A
male
age
36-40,
*aded1982
writes:I to a girl whom I have been seeing for a while now that I love her and want to be with her. She paused and told me that she can't say the "l" word back because she has been through so many bad relationships and said she needs some time before she can love someone back.I told her: "Don't spare my feelings, I'd much rather know how you really feel about me, if you don't love me back that is fine but I would much rather know now": She said "I truly adore you...you are a wonderful person, kissing you puts a goofy smile on my face and really turns me on, you make me feel like everything will be okay when I'm in your arms, we have the same sense of humor-we get each other, and sex with you is amazing...toe-curling orgasm inducing." I asked her if she was seeing anyone and she said no...she says she's relationship'd out at the moment but that she could see herself being with me in the future. I am so confused...
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female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I'm so glad you declined her 'offer,' it shows you have respect for yourself and don't need her crumbs. Anyway, I'm sure that you'll find someone who really appreciates and values you...that's what you need to look for. Good luck!
q1605, both women and men make the excuses and 'stuff around' for a bit so as not to hurt the other person's feelings. It's not just women, men do it too and you're right, I do speak from experience. It's logical to think that if my SO is not putting into the relationship as much as I am then something is not right. But it's hard to think logically when you're in the middle of such a situation. That's why I love this website...it gives people an outsider's perspective.
A
male
reader, jaded1982 +, writes (29 October 2009):
jaded1982 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guilt-tripped her and she finally admitted that she was seeing someone but that it wasn't serious yet and that she just didn't want to hurt my feelings. She also stated that we can still have a "good time" together but I declined, I am really tired of just messing around and am just looking for a girlfriend right now...Thanks for your help Lexie, you turned out to be right.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88 +, writes (27 October 2009):
So are you still with her? To me it sounds like you're just not 'it' for her and not 'the one.' I don't think it's so much about past relationships and needing time, if she felt the same way about you none of this would matter.
I think you two are at different points in the relationship and perhaps you'll never get to the same stage. You're much more into her than she is into you. When you told her you loved her it made her realize that she doesn't feel the same and that's why she's making these excuses about not being ready for a relationship.
When someone says they're not ready it means they're not ready for that with YOU.
You don't need to be confused. Those other things she told you, about the sex, kissing and adoring you, well I'm sure it's true but when it really comes down to it she might not see you as a long-term thing and she knows that saying that she loves you too will put her in a position where she doesnt want to be. And saying she can see herself with you in the future...don't believe a word of that, that's just something people say to soften the blow.
I'd talk to her about this and see if you can get her to tell you how she really feels. It's a difficult situation but I always think why should you be with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them? It's almost as if she's holding onto you until someone 'better' comes along...don't let her do that, you deserve more.
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