A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my girlfriend for a little over a year, and she says she wants to get married to me.I recently noticed that one of my ex girlfriends is a friend of a friend on facebook. I have not had any contact with her in about 6 years. I was considering adding her as a friend, but I wanted to ask my girfriend about it first to make sure she was OK with it.I decided to do a search on FB of my girfriend's exes, and I discovered that she had recently added one of her exes ("Ex A") (a guy she'd been seeing for about 6 months about 2 years ago) as a friend without asking me about it. (I do not have access to her friends list, so I only discovered this by doing a search on her ex's name and seeing my gf listed as one of his friends)My girlfriend says she tries to remain friends with all her exes. We had discussed this several months ago, and she knows it bothers me somewhat. At the time, she had been emailing Ex A, and she'd agreed to stop, somewhat reluctantly. (she told me she is just friends with him, that I was insecure, that I was trying to be controlling, etc.) Ex A lives in a different city, and there's no way they could be seeing each other. There's also no way she could be talking to him frequently on the phone without my knowing about it.Her ex was not the love of her life, but she obviously liked him a lot. She had a lot of photos of the two of them on her FB page kissing and so on for about the first 4-5 months we were seeing each other (She had started to say she wanted to get married to me after we'd been going out about 4-5 months). I finally said something to her about the photos of her and her ex, and she deleted me as a friend from her FB page, and told me I was insecure, controlling, etc. When she reconnected me as a friend on FB, the photos of her and her ex appeared to be gone. But, a couple months later, I got to wondering about (I had a hunch) and I asked a mutual FB friend to see what photos he could see on her FB page. It turned out she had left the photos of her and her ex up, and blocked only me from seeing them. When I asked her about this, her explanation was that she had intended to go back and take the photos down altogether, but that she "forgot". She did eventully take the photos of her and her ex down, but she clearly resented it somewhat.When I asked her why she recently added him as a friend on FB, her response was that he's just a friend, and she wants to be friends with everyone. She said they have not talked on the phone or sent messages to each other since she added him as a friend on FB (I tend to believe her about this) At one point in the conversation she started crying and told me how much she wanted to get married to me, and said she would cry tears of joy. I hve no doubt she really does want to get married to me.Still, it really bothers me that she would add Ex A as a friend on FB without mentioning it to me, especially given that she knew it would bother me and we had discussed this issue concerning this ex before. I find myself wondering what is so important to her about maintaining contact with this guy? It seems to me that keeping a connection of some sort with this guy is almost more important to her than my feelings, our relationship, etc. I also feel like a schmuck for being concerned about her feelings and asking her about possibly adding my ex as a FB friend given that she went ahead and added her ex without asking me, knowing full well it would bother me.Am I overeacting to this? On the one hand, I've been the one making it into an issue. But, she has seemed to be quite determined to keep her contacts with this guy open as well. Should I just try to figure out a way to not care about anything?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): I would leave somebody over that in a heartbeat.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I will agree with the first poster. She is untrustworthy in my opinion. Why would she want to keep in touch with her ex? If he was good for her then he wouldn't be her "ex". She is proving that she is not ready for a real relationship let alone marriage. She's only in love with the thought of marriage.
I mean why don't you all have an ex boyfriend / ex girlfriend party? Shit doesn't work like that in the real world.
So on the same token, while you were going to ask her, there is no reason to have your ex as a fb friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): I think she's sticking to this idea of being able to keep some contact with him as a matter of principle. It sounds like she doesn't want to be with a controlling guy and she's a little worried that you're showing signs of becoming that way. I'd be extremely worried if my boyfriend was getting insecure about my male friends, exes or not. Relationships are about trust. If my boyfriend was acting like you are, I'd be saying I need some space. It's not a big deal to have some contact with exes - I have 3 as my facebook friends and my boyfriend has photos on his facebook of him kissing 4 exes and 1 random woman - big deal! If you're comfortable and secure in the connection you have with your girlfriend, then there should be no problem. If you're not, then you two have bigger problems to think about. Just try to figure out why you feel so worried and uncertain. Have you been hurt badly in the past?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): FB is a slippery slope. I would say she is not completely over her feelings for him most likely, but they probably won't be more than friends ever if he broke up with her and they haven't gotten back together. Deleting you as a friend and concealing the photos is not a good sign though, but it doesn't mean automatically that she is or will cheat on you. If she were flirting with new people that would be another story.The best thing for relationships is to delete your FB accounts imo. Unless you're both very mature and very committed to each other it will only create problems even if there is no real life cheating. Do you really want to spend time spying on your gf on FB or elsewhere? You were going to add your x also. Have you asked yourself why you wanted to do that? Why do you feel the need to keep in touch or to reconnect with your x also? It's only fair to ask yourself the same since you're concerned about her doing this.The thing is, you can't control what other people do or feel, you can only control yourself. If they're going to be faithful to you and trustworthy they will do it of their own accord because they respect and love you and they want to be with you. It's not fun to constantly monitor what your partner does.I would have a long talk with her about all of this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2010): Everyone in their forties has already led a life and you can't reasonably expect people to let that go just because you have appeared on the scene. We keep old letters and photos. We have exes (and many other people from our past) as Facebook friends.Your insecurities and resulting controlling behaviour might been seen as cute devotion when you were a teenager. Your inability to have a discussion without turning it into a drama with strong words and tears might been seen as leading an exciting life when you were a teenager. But in your forties it just looks like you are stunted emotionally.Your gf has an ex as a fb friend. The correct response in your 40s is to shrug. After all, whether or not she cares to look back on her past, she has chosen to spend her future with you. Unless, of course, your episode of insecurity has prompted she to reconsider her choice.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (26 December 2010):
 She is very untrustworthy in my opinon, and clearly not nover her ex. She's hiding behind the old "I want to be friends with everyone" b.s. just so she can keep tabs on him and feel close to him. I'd be willing to bet, he broke up with her and she's not over him yet. I think it's interesting that she says she wants to marry you, but then blocks you as a friend on her facebook? WTF? That's just weird. I would definately not marry this chick. She can't be trusted. And believe me, if her ex showed up in her city, she wouldn't hesitate to meet him for a drink "as friends" and then bang him behind your back.
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