A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 6.5 years (married for 3 years). We have always argued and there has never been much 'harmony' in the house, but we used to really show a lot of love to each other and it was always fun making up. However, ever since we got married we have argued non-stop. It didn't help that his father refused to even look at me on our wedding day and when I went up to him all happy to give him a cuddle he turned away in front of everyone. I was so upset I cried slightly in our Rolls Royce on the way to the reception. My husband has never forgotten this, he says that I ruined his ride in the car - he also takes his fathers side saying that I disrespected him but I didn't, I simply asked him to leave my house one week before the wedding when he starting getting abusive towards me and he threatened to 'break my neck like a chicken' because I rang his house and asked to speak to my husband which had worried him?? (I never go this either) He says that I also ruined his stag night because my sister rang her husband and moaned at him for going to a strip club and apparently because my sisters boyfriend got on a downer it ruined it for everyone. He shows me very little respect these days, barely ever giving me a loving kiss or cuddle without expecting immediate sex - he says that I never give him sex and he wants it every day. He shows our dog much more love than he shows me, cuddling and kissing her on the sofa rather than me! When I say to him that its normal for sex to slow down between couples he says that it is not normal for him and he needs it all the time. He constantly calls me terrible names (foriegn language for f***ing bitch for example) which makes me not want to give him love back and I have said to him a million times if he showed me a bit more respect and genuine love he would get more sex, but he says if I don't give it to him then why should he respect me. There are times when we are ok and pretty happy together but generally we just don't get on that well anymore. I have started to lose interest in everything in my life, I am so depressed, I lost my job, my friends and I hardly ever go out. His family aren't particularly nice to me, they never visit but expect my husband to travel 40 miles to visit them every weekend and he constantly tells me that they come first and always will. We never do anything nice together at weekends ever. I just don't know what to do anymore. He is a hard worker and leaves early every morning doing an 8 hour shift 5 days a week and he always tells me how useless I am, I think he is part of the reason I am slowly losing confidence in myself. I have always been a hard worker too and never stop doing things, but he accuses me of sitting on the sofa watching TV all day which I never ever do. I have mentioned a lot of bad things about him, there are some good, like he is genuinely 100% faithful and he has worked very hard over the years non-stop to build us a home (which he constantly moans about saying that it is not good enough). I have also worked all those years but lately lost my job and am having trouble finding another. I'm generally at the end of my tether though with the constant ridiculing, put-downs and namecalling and am losing the will to live (not suicidal though). I really do love him loads and another huuuuge reason I don't leave is because my husband found out he could never have his own children and I feel like I should be standing by him as it is a big part of why he has changed so drastically, but at the same time, is it right for me to have to live like this, it's not my fault and I have taken this on too accepting that I will never have children which is something I dreamed of (although I have always told him that I am not bothered at all and am happy without). He says that his problem with me is that I don't give him enough sex and he will never be happy unless I am willing to give more. I would like advice on whether people think this is my fault for not giving him enough sex lately (once/twice a month) or whether I should work to save my marriage with all it's problems or whether I should just leave. I have to admit, sometimes the thought of just upping and leaving my lovely comfortable home is hard and the thought of starting all over again with just me and my dog is hard too, but is this what I should do? Finally, I have also started to live in a more environmentally friendly and animal friendly manner and he says that the changes have made me change who I am as a person (I thought for the better), but he doesn't like the change and will not support me in any way, even with simple recycling, everything I ever do seems to be a problem. Please help me. Sorry if this email is all over the place, it is just a reflection of the million things going on in my head at the moment!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 You paint a rather grim picture of your situation and at first sight one is tempted to say : why bother stayng in this marriage any longer? You two just have incompatible personalities and outlokks on life,you feeel differently about nearly everything, from sex to environmental issues to free time,his family etc.etc.
Then again, it's a tough decision to just ditch a marriage, any marriage, and yours had its good moments in the past. Plus right now you are sad,anxious and depressed so it's difficult for you to make a decision.
So I'll tell you- before tryng to save your relationship with your husband, work on saving your relationship with yourself. Try to get back your self respect and by all means keep insist in your job search. I know it's not easy but don't give up ,insist until you do find something. i really feel it would make a big difference to you,not only in terms of having money in case you should decide to split, but in terms of regaining the sense of your own value and a positive self image. Once you have done that, you'll be able to make a more balanced decision. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): I'm so sorry for your situation, and I understand how hard it can be to change your whole life around and start over but be honest with yourself, is your home really that comfortable? Your husband sounds very abusive(verbally) and a marriage is about supporting each other not you just supporting him. I think you know what you have to do...
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