A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with someone for the past 3 years now and just recently I haven't been enjoying spending time with her . When ive been with her she can say some really cringey things , act silly and very childish most of the time but not all the time . when I first became friends with her and met her I thought she was really funny and quirky but now I think she needs to grow up and mature a lot . I feel like I don't want to be her friend anymore but what should I do , shall I tell her how silly she can be and explain she needs to mature ? especially as two of my friends have found her odd and I feel hesitant to introduce to her people . Shall I carry on being her friend or is there anything else I can do to fix the issue ? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2018): There is something becoming rare between people nowadays in all forms of relationships; whether through marriage, family, work, or friendships. That's loyalty. If you can maintain loyalty in a relationship, you can usually find trust. Trust is even more rare than loyalty. It's becoming harder to offer it, feel it, or find it.
Now, when I receive posts from people your age; I've learned to read carefully between the lines. Not just to focus on the obvious matters mentioned in a post; but to also look at the fringe-comments, and read the undertones. That's where I find a few clues or facts that often get overlooked.
We don't all grow-up at the same pace, and everyone has quirks or slightly off-behavior. Some people might find weird or intolerable. That's called your personality. You judge people by their character and behavior. You have to "know" them to do that. You can't point fingers, or three will point back! Judge yourself first!
We as true-friends measure the severity of the weirdness in a friend, family-member, or lover; and decide whether it is harmful, or harmless. We do that with care, using patience; and according to our morals and values. Showing fairness and good judgment.
Knowing we all have our own weird quirks, we have to be forgiving and tolerant. Using discernment and flexibility. As long as their behavior doesn't break laws, hurt people, conflict with our values, or hurt us. Being silly often runs in the category of being comical and whimsical. You can't take yourself too seriously; or you'll become dull and conceited. She tries to make you laugh, and not let things get too deep or heavy. She's a happy and carefree person!
Stuck-up people are usually cliquish and critical of others. I noted that you were fine with your friend for three years; but now you're concerned about what other friends think of her. You think she needs to grow-up. Two of your friends find her odd.
Well, who shows up when you're down and alone? Who cheers you up when you've had the most terrible day? Who can you share your secrets, and know they won't comeback at you?
Who can you be mean to, and still be forgiven like it never happened? Who cries when they see you crying? Who shares what she has with you? Who celebrates with you, and wishes you well when good things and good-times comes your way?
Who was there when you last had your heart broken?
Those very same friends who find her odd; are also urging you to drop her, or snob her. Based on their opinions. Did you suddenly change your feelings about your friend according to your own observations; or due to the opinions given by the others? You see, I look at these things very differently from many others. If there's one thing I value as much as family; that's friends I can depend on! I know those who love me, as much as I love them! They are trusted and are given the benefit of the doubt. They've earned it!
Your friend has plenty of time to grow-up, and she will do so at her own pace. Who she is and whom she decides to become as a woman; is entirely up to her. Not based on the opinions and criticisms from others. Which are more often negative, than positive. You're not a good friend, if you turn on a friend; because other people influenced how you feel about them. I seriously suggest that you keep this in-mind. If you've out-grown her, I hope it's due to your sudden burst of growth into maturity; and not because you're becoming a snob! Assuming you're so much more sophisticated and grown-up. Better than she is!
It's not for you or your other friends to decide. If they are critical of her behavior, stop and ask yourself why you're changing how you feel about your friend? Is it based on the opinion of other people? What does that say about you? Would you dump a friend, because of what other people think? Shouldn't it be because you realize that person is not really a friend, and given to behaving badly?
Behaving badly, gossiping, bigotry, betrayal, and being a trouble-maker are the only reasons I would depart from a friend. I'm close enough to my friends, some of whom I've know as long as I've known myself; that we can offer each other constructive-criticism. We point-out our correctable faults to each other; and work together to help each other. We're careful not to cross the line into hypocrisy or prejudice. Finding too much fault in people says more about yourself; than about the people you're criticizing.
If you feel your friend is not keeping-up and showing enough maturity. Gently inform her so; and give her a chance to work on it. If you don't really have a problem with things she says and does, don't be influenced by what other people tell you. You have a mind of your own, and you know what you can and cannot tolerate in a friend. If you're forming a clique with your other friends; then I would advise your friend to go find people who appreciate her for who she is. Quirks and all!
Any friends that don't get along, I keep them separated; I wont allow other people to remove or separate friends from my life for me. I stand-up for them, if I think the others are being unfair. I don't know about you!!!
You can kindly ask your friend to tone it down; but you have no right to make her feel bad about herself, or feel she has to please the other people you hangout with. I'm never ashamed of the people who love me around other people. If they have a problem, they're the ones who have to go!
That's called loyalty! It's rare these days!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 October 2018):
 It sounds like you two have grown up at different speeds. Your friend still sounds to be the same as she was when you met, but you have matured and, while you found her behaviour endearing 3 years ago, you now find it inappropriate.
If she has been a good friend for 3 years, then I would say it is worth having a shot at saving your friendship. Next time she says/does something which you are struggling with, say (kindly) that you find her actions/words a bit embarrassing or inappropriate or immature. Start with something positive like "I value your friendship very much but , , , " and see where the conversation leads. If she ignores your views and carries on behaving in this way, then maybe you have outgrown this friendship and need to call it a day.
It is possible she has learned to use her "quirky" behaviour to get friends. After all, you found it funny when you first met. Perhaps someone just needs to tell her gently and kindly that, what was funny when she was a child is no longer funny now she is a teenager.
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