A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I have an issue at work that I need some help dealing with. There is this guy a few years older (married with kids) who has always on and off lightly flirted with me. I ignore him because I'm married as well. Over the past couple of months he has begun flirting much more intensely with me. I have told him to knock it off and even brought up his wife. I of course bring up my husband in conversation and always say "we" when referring to my personal life as to not send any mixed messages. So what's the problem aside from a pain in the ass? For whatever reason I have now become immensely attracted to him. I honestly don't even think I like this man on an emotional level but I want him sexually. The sexual tension between us now is so thick I can barely look at him with feeling weak in the knees. I can actually feel his presence when he is near by but out of sight. I can feel when he is coming around a corner or out of a closed door room. It's crazy. I've never experienced this before and I need to figure out how to stop it. I am not going to act on these feelings but I can not figure out how to make it stop. I litterally say to myself "ok today you will avoid him at all costs and feel nothing". But then BAM I'm bumping into him like everywhere and getting all wobbly and heated.
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at work, flirt, mixed messages Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (29 May 2016):
My guess is your current husband is a beta and this gent is an alpha, and with that you crave him sexually.Proceed carefully, as your decision could have life long repercussions.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 May 2016):
 First of all, well done for sticking to your guns so far - now you just need to continue to do so. I think you should say to him "this is the last time I will tell you: your flirting bothers me and I want you to stop. If you don't, I will have to speak to HR and maybe file a complaint. I'm not interested and it makes me uncomfortable." If he continues, follow through with it and go complain to human resources or whoever is supposed to deal with this at your work. It's harassment.As for your feelings, don't focus on what you feel for him, focus on how you feel about your husband and change your train of thought. Another thing is to thing negative things about him, when you see him. When you start to get heated, think of the things you don't like about him. Turn yourself off - you *can* do it, you just need to persist with yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): This is a story as old as time.Married guy seeking action in the workplace. BAD IDEA. For everyone involved. He tries to sweet talk the woman. Lay his GAME on her. See if he can break down her defences. He will say and do anything to find an opening. He is putting on AN ACT. And it seems you are vulnerable, OP. It is clear that he knows this. And he is in hot pursuit knowing this. He is hoping you are going to cave in.How strong are you OP? More importantly, how smart are you? Listen, we all have attractions to people, sometimes even intense, when we are in a committed relationship. That is normal. What is not normal is having an affair for something fleeting. He is going to hit it and quit it. Ever heard that phrase? I will bet you once he beds you, if you let him, he is going to lay a rehearsed speech on you about how it was all a big mistake and it could never happen again and how guilty he feels. Tell you he loves his wife. And then he is going to ignore you. Unless he gets an itch again and you give in again. Guys like this are seasoned. Make no mistake. He is running his game on you. Once he uses you for sex, he is going to head for the hills. Now, he might come back hoping you will allow him back in for more sex but by that point, most women feel so used and degraded that they never give the player a second chance or glance. But he got what he wanted, didn't he? And then he will move onto the next woman and run the very same game on her. It is a vicious cycle. He knows exactly what he is doing. And women like you fall prey to him. If women did not let him do this, he could never get away with it. And many recognize his antics and steer clear of men like this.So, how do you know he has not tried this act on other women you work with? How do you know he is not banging another woman you work with right now? I am sure he would have both of you if he could. Whichever woman lets him have sex with her, he will hang in. If one dumps him, so what? I am sure he has others in play.He knows exactly how to lure a woman in. He is connected enough to you in order to form a bond of sorts and then he pulls away and distances himself from you. Is he doing this? The bonding and then pulling away is deliberate. He is doing this to increase the attraction. He lures you in and shows you interest and then plays it cool and seems more detached. Leaving you wondering if he still finds you attractive and why he is not paying attention like before? So that YOU start to pursue HIM. He is trying to awaken your competitive spirit to get you to chase him. Do you see this? Trust me on that. Don't be so naïve to think it's some unstoppable attraction that only you two share. That it is rare and magical and does not happen to anyone else. That is bullshit. And you need to wake up.He is pathetic and desperate. He is trying to play on your weaknesses to get you into bed.You, on the other hand, are not pathetic and desperate.Don't let him take you down this road. It only ends in pain and heartache for everyone. What I suggest you do is transfer or find a new job. He is going to keep working you until he nails you. Do you want to be constantly fighting this attraction? Fighting his advances? I mean, there is a moment... a time and place... where all of this can blow up in your face and you cave in and have sex with him and then you will be sorry.How do you eliminate a problem? You remove yourself from the environment. So, let's say you have a drinking problem. Then you will make sure you never step into places that serve alcohol. You must leave your job because this situation requires drastic action.You know what you need to do. Please do it.I have been there and I am advising you from experience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response IvyBlue. I've honestly thought about pulling him aside and telling him to stay away from me socially (we do have to work together since we are in the same department at work). I should also take a look at myself to see if I'm sending any encouraging signals. I do have to say that I believe there s something more carnal going on. The way I feel it in my bones is crazy. I know that we are humans and likely to be attracted to others outside of our relationships but we have the power to not take action. I feel like sitting him down for a chat and saying "let's tell each other the most disgusting things that we do...for example I fart...like A LOT. That should kill the tension ;p
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): This really sucks and this guy is an A**hole.. I feel so sorry for his wife and kids... stay away from him, he is trouble. Be firm, you can threat to complain for sexual harassment if he doesn't stop.. that might be the best option, Good luck!!!!
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (29 May 2016):
 You are in some seriously dangerous territory. So much so it's no longer a situation where you can run the risk of maintaining the friendship. My advice would be to take a firmer than firm stance and let him know once and for all- "ENOUGH this flirting needs to stop-I need to stop and you need to respect that". If you have to spell out to him just what enough means then do so reiterating that you need for him to treat you in a professional manner and nothing more. Once you stop feeding into the behaviour in time ,hopefully, these feelings/fantasies you have will start to diminish. You can only be responsible for the part you choose to pay in putting an end to things. I hope this helps. Good luck with things.
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