A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm confused I don't know what's more important affection or sex ? Me and my bf haven't had sex in about a month. I tryed to make the first move than he said no you don't deserve it (we had argued 2 days prior) and this happens frequently he rejects me even if we don't argue he will say his tired he says to wait till his day off when I ask him for kisses he will reject me as well or until I bitch at him than he will do it for a couple days than it's weird we live together with our daughter when we sleep he will cuddle with me when he goes to sleep or grab my butt when I'm cooking or washing dishes. It upsets me that he rejects me because I see him looking at other females like he wants that I've asked him if his still attracted to me he trys to be funny and say that I'm not attracted to him and that I only want sex and that that doesn't mean I'm attracted anthor thing it's wrong for me to think but he even shows our cat more love than me kisses her good morning and when his home from work also tells her I love you it's really hurtful when I do so much for him even moved 45 mins from my family.
View related questions:
I love you Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2015): dont let his wonderfulness overawe you becuz you are wonderful too. Drink a glass of milk when you get those butterflies cos they are making you weak especially as its one sided. Value yourself , value your daughter.sexy and mean=no good. Sexy +cold = no good. Sexy + charming to strangers in public but not to you in private= no good. Sexy + manipulative + quick to blame you =no good. Get to your doctor and say " doctor my relationship is falling apart..myboyfriend never wants sex anymore (or huband) ..can ibook some counselling might seem drastic but it depends how far this rejection of you goes and then blaming you for it...are you sure he's ok ...has the marriage burned out..dkes he want a divorce two years from now..do you?...these are things you can talk about in counselling ..if that doesnt help, as much thought about what you want out of life might allow you to see a way forward.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 July 2015):
 He really does still care - he enjoys cuddling you in the evening. But he is deliberately withholding more personal intimacy so something is bothering him. He is behaving with callous disregard and disrespect towards giving you loving that involves sex. That's just mean.
No one should ever have to plead for sex in a relationship. The act of choosing to live with a person and have a child with a person and share your body intimately with a person suggests that some attraction has existed.
What has happened to lead to lessening of attraction and a lessening of affection? It must be very hurtful.
Sex without affection and without delight and without good feelings and without extended cuddling and without happy laughter and without some wooing before hand is just one step away mechanical sex. If that's all he's offering then he may as well buy himself a mechanical doll with a button to turn her on.
And if he can't afford a good quality mechanical doll then the next step down is a prostitute.
If he is no longer wooing you, no longer respectfully engaging you in conversation to demonstrate his appreciation of you and is now choosing to not give you genuine love and affection and intimacy the he is failing to be a loving partner. He is taking you for granted. No wonder you are upset.
I think he is being mean, and trying to manipulate. Part of that punishing you is because he hasn't a better way to express himself.
Meanwhile his actions, very understandably, are affecting you. Undermining you. And because you are reacting in the ways you are, trying to get him to behave in a more supportive way towards you - you are playing his game.
If you want to change behaviour then you change your own behaviour first.
And the most important change needed here is to improve your own self esteem
so that you can see that you are not dependant on his support to feel good.
Back off pleading/asking for sex, because that is so demeaning.
It's time to shake him up a little and try a different approach.
If you can manage the strength to do the following and NOT ASK Him to notice the change and NOT FISH for any compliments and NOT ASK, NOT EXPECT any acknowledgement, so the impression for him is the following: what he thinks of you and what he thinks you want really is of NO concern to you.
Instead start to show him some real confidence and resilience growing within you. It will destabilise him. He will not like it. It will make him feel insecure.
Do not put up with a quick grope without warning from him. Straighten up and look at him, if that occurs, and suggest that he behave with more finesse than a dirty old man on a crowded bus. Let him know that IF he genuinely desires you then he can communicate that by some more respectful consideration, some more charming behaviour than grabbing your butt while you are cooking.
The unspoken message will be: if you want my attention then behave in better ways and demonstrate more respect towards me and then, only then, can we have some adult dialogue about what you need and be prepared to listen to what I need in return.
Do start doing a few nic e things for you. Get a new hair cut and if you can afford to get a nice but not drastic subtle hair colour change. Arrive home, don't ask for any compliment. Act normal, follow your usual routine.
Take your daughter on some enjoyable outings, just you and her.
When you get back don't tell him what a great time you have. Just know within you that you did have a great time.
Then one weekend go visit an art gallery or an exhibition or public landmark that you've always meant to visit, and go eat your lunch in a park with your daughter.
If he does ask where you have been tell him that you went to an art gallery and get on with what you are doing. As if this change of routine is entirely normal.
Notice local events that are parent/child friendly and attend these events (if free or not too expensive) with just you and your daughter. Examples can be a quilt exhibition, a farmer's market in your area.
If your daughter is school age then sometimes you may be able to schedule some solo events for just you, when she is at school.
From then on schedule an outing for yourself each week that is just for you. Find the time to be extra nice to you. Enrich your life with visiting or looking at places. Dress nicely for these excursions.
In effect you are having dates with yourself.
Don't argue with him. Don't expect anything from him.
See how long it takes him to become insecure and for him to be asking for more intimacy.
And if he is expecting some intimacy then let him know that you'd like him to demonstrate by his own actions, words and behaviour that he wants you, the person. And not to treat you like an object he reaches for when he wants some sexual relief. You are not his personal fleshlight toy.
Make it clear that you will not be taken for granted.
Instead you expect him to be a gentleman, to notice some nice things about you. To demonstrate that he cares about you and loves you. Without that caring loving intimacy prior to making love then you may as well be strangers who happen to be sharing a living space.
In effect you need his behaviour to change. The first step to achieve that is to change your behaviour, your reaction and your response.
It will not be easy.
By your actions the effect is that your guy is undergoing retraining, by You changing your approach, your response, your behaviour and your expectations .
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2015):
 I think IF I were you, I'd find a job, at least part time. Because if this keeps going down hill, you will NEED to be able to take care of yourself financially.
Financial problems cause a LOT of problems that people may not really pay attention to. Also it will leave you feeling "left" alone if "all you do" is stay at home taking care of house and kid. (I know taking care of a house and kid is NOT small task) but, financially it's not helping the situation.
And I would stop initiating, stop cuddling etc. MAKE him WORK for it a little. YOU shouldn't be treated as the maid, babysitter and sex on tap. THAT is not why you live there, is it?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 July 2015):
 He's playing a childish "control" game.... and, Lord knows, where it will lead.
Do you want to continue in a "relationship" like this? Or, do you prefer to have a relationship with an actual adult man?
If'n you were my Sister, I'd suggest that you dump him and get on with your life....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): Hi honeypie, we have almost 3 yrs living togeather and No we are both not working only hw works so I get that his tired & yes we do have finicial problems. It just sucks cause before we would have sex once a week atleast now it's gone so far I feel like he doesn't need me physically and I know that wrong of me to rhink that way cause I shouldn't depend on him physically but I still get butterflys when I see him or we get intimate.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2015):
I think it's his way of maintaining some kind of control in the relationship.
I would pull back with the trying to initiate a little bit. And I would sit him down (after the kid is in bed, so it's just you two) and talk. There is something going on here that is causing arguments and him withholding affection and sex.
How long ago did you move in with him?
Are you both working?
Do you have financial trouble?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): well the cat does exactly what the cat wants and still gets fed. You are doing your bit but feeling like the wallpaper. You could just turn your back on him and toughen up a bit because you have nothing to loose. If he loves you he will start making moves towards you like a horse in the wild, but if he doesnt then you carry on toughening up because you will need to be able to think clearly about your future ,most importantly your daughter. Its possible that he thinks you want another pregnancy and that has put his sex drive on hold for a bit, bearing in mind the cost of raising a child..or talk to him about a holiday at home or abroad and see how that perks him up. But dont ask for sex again because he is acting like hes doing you a favour.By the way is everything else ok about his apparatus. It might be a time to get a check up for prostate cancer for him from the doctor because that can cause a change in libido.If witholding sex is a punishment, is porn his reward. He may just be a sensitive kind of man who considers he has every thing he needs right here and now..but if your heading towards a loveless marriage, turn your back in bed and be a little busy now and again..
...............................
|
