A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has 2 children to a previous woman and we are happily married with a little girl. We have been together 10 years and I really wanted another baby, but it hasn’t happened (we are both 40),Anyway, my husband has really hurt me. He doesn’t communicate with me and we only have sex once a month, at my request - this has been going on for a long time. I have spoken to him loads about this, but nothing changes and I feel ugly and unwanted. I now feel like we are friends who just happen to share the same bed. I rung him up this morning as I can’t cope anymore with this and he told me that nothing was the matter, then it was just laziness and then he said he was thinking of getting a vastectomy. So now I feel that my husband can’t talk to me and that I am unattractive to him. I am not going to deny that I am a bit broken that this is the final end of the road with regards to a baby, but I also know I am very lucky, but I don’t feel I can trust my husband. What else is he not telling me? I also feel a little bit of resentment..he hasn’t wanted me for 2 years, He doesn’t want another baby and now can’t talk to me. I am honestly a very open minded person, but this has broken me. Any advice would be welcomed. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 December 2020):
 What is not telling you?
Who knows? We can't read his mind any more than you can.
But... It seems like HE didn't WANT any more kids. He still had ONE with you. Figuring you would "settle" for one child. He knows that a LOT of sex means chance of pregnancy so he is not really going to go for a lot of sex. Maybe the idea of another child has partially killed his libido. Maybe the worrying about finances for child-support to the ex and the cost of ONE child made his brain go, no sex = no more kids.
You say I wanted another child. Not WE wanted another. So my guess is he DEFINITELY did not want a second (4th) child. He should have been HONEST WAY back when you mentioned wanting another child. He should have said, no can do. 3 is my limit. It would have hurt but it WOULD have been honest, and YOU would have known where HE stood.
(Or... does he have MORE kids with someone besides his ex wife?)
My guess is he got the vasectomy already?
So what now? Well, I think you need to decide DO I want to make my marriage work, with 1 kid and a husband. IF you do, then let him go get that vasectomy, because he is more likely to want to have an active sex life if there is little to no chance for more kids. You are 40. (not calling you old, but you would face a LOT more complications if you did manage to get pregnant.)
TALK to him.
You two need to be on the same page. How you get there is up to BOTH of you.
And he needs to be HONEST with you. Not all this bullshit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2020): Your husband was previously married, and has a child by his first-marriage. If you're both only 40; he's paying child-support, in addition to supporting his current family. He has to be a dad in two separate situations.
Let's presume his ex tends to want more money as their daughter grows older; and just maybe, they barely tolerate each other for the sake of the child. For all practical purposes, they get along; but there's some lingering friction between them. They probably married young; so he's got a daughter between a tween and in her teens. He'll be paying child-support for some years to come. Generally, exes tend to resent second-marriages doing better than the previous; so they maintain a certain amount of tension that affects the current marriage. Especially, if they had a contentious-divorce. He tries not to upset her, but also tries to keep you happy...even if he has to lie to you. I don't think he wants another child.
How do you, he, and his ex get along? Do you have money problems? I assume you're both working?
Ten years, and you still haven't had a another child? Are you sure he hasn't already gotten a vasectomy???
How much do you want to bet he doesn't want another mouth to feed, or a third kid to put through college?
If he hasn't had a vasectomy; he probably limits sex, because he's trying to lessen the odds of getting you pregnant! I venture to speculate that he probably doesn't want to be a dad with a very young kid starting in his 40's! The problem being, he doesn't discuss what's going-on in his head. More or less, he gets his way by avoiding any discussion. He simply manipulates the situation to suit himself. No discussion, no argument! He's just playing you along. He's adept at appeasing two women at the same time. Balancing you and the ex on opposite ends. One kid each! Too many kids with you, means less money for her; and she isn't having it!
There is no backstory about how long you married after his divorce, or if you were seeing each other while he was married to his first-wife? I suspect he just doesn't want anymore kids; and he knows you're not taking birth-control. He's waiting you out, hoping you'll hit menopause. If the marriage hits a snag, and he ends-up divorcing yet again. Two kids are cheaper than three!
He admits to being lazy? Maybe he doesn't want to have to take-on another job necessary to support an expanding family.
Just my guess!
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