A
female
age
41-50,
*pple13
writes:Hi All,I am 30 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years, we have a 1 year old son and baby number 2 on the way. My problem is our sex life. From the beginning of our relationship our sex life hasnt been brilliant. After about a year together i realised he had been wanking regularly to porn, i am not stupid and know that all men wank, so i didnt have a problem with it. However, over time it has become apparant that he prefers to do this rather than have sex with me. He will wait till i am out or have gone to bed before wanking over porn. I have spoke to him about it loads of times and he says he knows he does it too much and he will stop (just what he thinks i want to hear) but it never stops. I have loads of sexy outfits and when i wear one we will have sex but as soon as he enters me it lasts about 2 minutes. Maybe this is part of the problem, but surley if we had sex more often it would last longer??? Anyway, like i said i am now pregnant again, we had sex occasionaly through my first pregnancy and i understand that men may feel a bit weird about sex during pregnancy but this time there is nothing. Just him wanking, and now i feel it has gone a step further as his phone bill was almost £200 last month where he had been texting this number costing around £1 per messeage. A sex chat line thing no doubt. Our relationship is fairly good on all other levels and he is a great dad to our child but i am seriously thinking once this baby is born i will have to look else where to fulfill my own needs, i dont want to, but what else can i do??? I need to feel wanted too and i don't want the rest of my life to be without intamacy. All advice greatly appreciated. Thank you.
View related questions:
last longer, porn, sex life, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Apple13 +, writes (9 June 2009):
Apple13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi same guy :o)
Thank you soooo much for taking the time to give me your advice. It sort of makes me laugh when i read your answers as you say he feels anxious and very inadequate and he thinks he is a failure. I really don't think he thinks that deeply about it at all. I sometimes think he can't see the problem with it. The toys i got for us were vibrating cock rings as i thought it would provide pleasure for both of us, i got us some special creams which he moaned about and said it was burning him. I got a bondage kit so we could tie each other up. The outfits he liked and got to the point that whenever we did have sex i had to be in an outfit, i sort of felt this was then the only way i could manage to turn him on although i never said that to him. He has never done anything to try and spice up our sex life, i have suggested different places, outdoor sex, he says yes at the time but it never happens.
You say i should be persistant and try harder but i am at the point now where i feel i can't be bothered. I have always made the effort and after 5 years i am losing the will to try. What is the point when i know no matter what i do as soon as i leave the house the computer is on.
It is now affecting our relationship as a whole from my point of view, i can't pretend it isn't happening and the anger is bubbling up inside of me. I know im more emotional being pregnant so don't really want to say anything right now but its only a matter of time before, like a typical woman, i go mad :o)
Shame he doesnt think a bit more like you :o)
Thanks again
Apple (no, not my real name :o))
A
female
reader, Apple13 +, writes (9 June 2009):
Apple13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anonymous female, i appreciate your advice and i will have a look at those websites. Thanks again!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): from the same guy again...
3. I have thought of several things to try but most have little chance of working. I don't think asking him questions about it is going to help. Even if he wanted to tell you, he may not even consciously know the answer. Sex is an instinct for the species to survive so there is a lot of unconscious stuff going on to which we have no access. And you've tried all the "tricks in the book."
You must convince him that sex with you can be as good and in fact far better than any virtual partner or image on a computer screen. You do that by forcing your sex lives to intersect. For most of us in relationships that happens quite automatically: when one of the two partners wants sex, the other is right there in the room so then you have sex. You will have to force your sex lives to intersect.
How to do that? Internet porn is a big part of his sex life so, you might have to actually join him in viewing some porn. Initiate foreplay. If he doesn't want any of this participation, be very persistent, ignore him and keep forcing yourself on him. Comment on some of the activities that the "actors" and "actresses" engage in. Be graphic and specific. Talk about how you liked it back when he did that to you. Talk about things you would like him to try with you, and things you would like to try with him. Did I mention to be graphic and very specific? Stay at it even if he resists. Keep working at it until you are both getting undressed even if you have to undress the both of you. I think you get the picture. But don't give up. If it does not work out one day, keep at it. He will eventually get the message that he cannot sexually ignore you. If he is a heterosexual male it will eventually work, but it may take days or even weeks or months.
The goal is for you to make him feel something like the virtual partners make him feel. Believe it or not, much of the pleasure men get from sex is that they really were able to please their girl. Yes, of course the orgasm is great but that lasts about one to two minutes. The feeling of accomplishment a guy gets when he believes he really banged his wife/gf and she loved it, lasts for days. The feeling a guy gets when she comes back asking for more lasts a lifetime. And you need to plan to come back day after day, night after night until sex with you can compete with any other kind of sex.
I said this would be work for you and I suppose a little humbling since the girl wants to be the prey not the predator. But remember, life evens out over years not hours or minutes.
As for sex during pregnancy, I have an active libido and we did it until the baby grabbed it one night. We stopped then. (just kidding) I recall you can do it almost to the end of pregnancy. When you have that problem ask your doctor.
This can work if you choose to make it work. Keep us posted.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): from the same guy...
Dear Apple:
I like your name but something tells me it's not your real name. I have a few minutes to write but if I don't finish I promise to finish later.
I forget we all come from different backgrounds and so we all have different levels of knowledge and experience. Sometimes I make assumptions and leave things out that I shouldn't.
There is no doubt he is addicted to porn - that is a given.
Anyway, remember that not all things can be fixed and even if they can be, you have to decide if it is worth it to put in the work, and there will be plenty of work for you. And in the end things may not get better.
1. When you say toys I assume you don't mean Leggos. If he does consider himself a sexual failure as a man, if you brought a vibrator or other phallic instrument home, then that confirmed it for him. Without using words, you told him, demonstrated to him that he is indeed a failure and you chose an appliance to replace him. It would all be different if he considered himself a success at sex. (I've always thought that if Sony made a vibrator they probably wouldn't call it a Walkman, but what would they call it???)
And, he probably rationalized that if you are using toys instead of him, it is perfectly alright for him to use porn instead of you, but that is not the root cause of the problem. In fact he may even rationalize that all of this, everything to do with sex, the outfits and as you put it, "all the tricks in the book" is all about you and all for you. He may even think, irrationally of course, that you might be doing this to put him on the spot and embarrass him.
I neglected to say that premature ejaculation (PE) is also a great reason for him to consider himself a failure. The average time from penetration to ejaculation is 7 to 13 minutes. There is wide variation: some guys can last over an hour, and some last only a minute or less. Anyway, the humiliation from PE has caused suicides, particularly when the girl makes fun of the guy, or overtly demonstrates her displeasure with him, and you can do that without saying a word. PE can be fixed pretty easily btw.
2. Remember, he doesn't like any of this except for the brief fantasies he purchases where he is a sexual superman. He hates himself for what he does and what is happening. Nobody wants to be a failure and especially no guy can tolerate being a failure at sex. We have the penis and we are supposed to know how to use it.
Oops. No more time now. More later.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): Unfortunately, there is another possibility....he may have developed an addiction to porn. This wreaks havoc on relationships as the women don't have their basic sexual needs met and their self-confidence and security in the relationship plummets.How would you know if this is the case? Do some basic research first, if you suspect this could be the case, you need to be well informed before confronting him. This is not a good time to deal with this, aka while you are pregnant and your emotions are unpredictable.Here are a couple of goods web-sites you could start with :npsupport.net and recoverynation.comBest of luck with a healthy pregnancy and delivery :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Apple13 +, writes (8 June 2009):
Apple13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your reply. I understand what you are saying and i also though that maybe the reason was that he felt a failure because he couldnt last very long. I have never made a major issue about this as it is not really a major issue to me. I have done everything in my power to put him at ease, but maybe you are right, maybe he felt i was partronizing him. I have now tried what i feel is every trick in the book from outfits, to toys, trying not to seem to interested in hope he would chase me but he never does. I am now scared to initiate sex as one time i tried he turned me down saying he had already done it himself. I felt so rejected and angry i now think maybe he is just selfish and only worries about his own pleasure. What do you think? Thanks again, really appreciate your advice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): from a guy...I conjecture that he is extremely anxious, feels very inadequate in his sexual 'obligation' to you and thus guilty. He feels like a sexual failure and not like a much of a man. Maybe in the past he had a humiliating or other traumatic experience related to sex with a female.He and his ego are way too embarrassed to face the issue squarely and seek help because the only person who can help is you. He is the guy and he is not supposed to need help from a girl when it comes to sex. So, his way of coming to terms with all his perceived failures is to avoid the situation (having to perform sexually to satisfy you; he thinks it is hopeless) as much as possible and to live an anonymous though virtual sex life where there are no expectations and thus no failures. In that world, he is a sexual superman, no man is better than he; perhaps that is what he is paying someone to tell him.To him, sex with you has demonstrated each and every time what a miserable failure he is, and in the one single area where a man simply cannot tolerate actual or perceived failure. I'm sure his mind races at times and however briefly, he thinks all sorts of irrational thoughts like, you must be cheating because he is a failure, or you are talking about his failures with your gfs and all are laughing behind his back. None of that happens in his virtual sex world. His virtual partners are always pleased and impressed and tell him so in grandiose, graphic, and specific terms (after he pays them to).What he doesn't understand is that you would probably be very understanding and compassionate and no matter how long it took, you would help him so that two could have a normal healthy sex life together. And the truth is since humans' natural instinct is to really, really like sex with each other, it would not take long for it all to happen.The trouble is you will have to undo years of this built up feeling of failure, self-loathing, and anxiety that is at the root of it all. And now, you are competing with something unreal that is too good to be true since of course it is not true. You will have to be the adult and take charge but if he thinks you are patronizing him, he will consider it another failure and things will be worse not better.Good luck.Believe me, he hates himself for the way things are and he wishes things could be normal.
...............................
|
