A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my girlfriend for nearly 10 months now. We've had sex a few times but it is very unsatisfactory. We were both virgins going into the relationship, so it's not like we're unhappy at each other, it's just frustrating. The thing is, my penis is quite big (about 7.5 inches when erect) which I always thought was a good thing (!) but it actually hurts her and she doesn't get turned on. From my point of view, I use a condom but it doesn't feel like anything really, I'm not stimulated much at all. Even without a condom which would be better for me, it would still hurt her. She doesn't masturbate at all and we have attempted intercourse very irregularly (once or twice a month for the past 5 months, nothing before then), so I can see her hurting for the forseeable future- which is the last thing I want. Is there anything I can do about this?
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male
reader, Argily  +, writes (31 December 2010):
Hey dude,
The girls are basically right about initial mechanics: Lubricate yourself, try new things and spice things up, etc.
BUT there's more to it from a guy's perspective, which you need to be aware of: You are 'in charge' of the experience. So if she's uncomfortable (but willing!), the likely reality is that it's not physical issues, but mental ones: and that's up to YOU to get her past.
So, first things first, there's a key element to understand: Women won't orgasm if they are thinking of ANYTHING else but the enjoyment of the moment. If she hurts, is thinking about dinner, is uncomfortable about sex, thinks she's going to be judged by her girlfriends for being slutty... if any of these are true, then things just won't work. So your job is to distract her with constant attention! Talk about how sexy she is, how beautiful she is, how much you love her, how horny she makes you... touch her skin everywhere. Kiss her everywhere. Do everything you can to keep her mind focused on only one thing: the passion and intimacy and trust between the two of you in this current moment.
Next: She needs to get worked up BEFORE you do. Seriously. In general, if she hasn't orgasmed yet... then your cock shouldn't be inside her! Don't try to work her up so you come together; get her off FIRST. Use your fingers, play with her clit (light touching, sliding, hard touching, flicking, licking, whatever... try them all), kiss her neck, whisper in her ear how sexy she is, how much you enjoy her, etc., and give her that first orgasm. Let her come down from it for just a moment (but keep kissing her and keeping her brain occupied with passion!), then start up towards the actual sex. Come with her for the second orgasm. :)
Next: mechanically, long strokes usually hurt more than short strokes... and they also give her less pleasure! So let those go. Get inside her slowly (while well lubricated), as deep as you can get comfortably for you both (slowly!), and then move in and out just a tiny bit... maybe an inch, max two. It won't hurt her as much, and it will rub the right spots. Keep going like this, keeping the distraction going mentally, keep telling her how amazing she is and how wonderful it feels, play with her clit again (or ask her too!), but keep the strokes small yet deep. Up the speed slowly, and the power behind your strokes too... slowly ratchet them up. Eventually, you will likely be slamming your body against hers, pulling out an inch or two, and then slamming back into her, very very quickly. But get there slowly!
If you can last long enough (and this is why condoms that give crappy sensation can be GOOD!) and keep her mind focused on feeling like the sexiest thing on the planet, she will begin to experience something amazing; and so will you. :)
p.s. Advanced. IF, after a lot of practice with what I said above, you notice that when she's really worked up from the intercourse but then complains that she feels a weird feeling and doesn't want to continue, ask her if she 'feels like she's going to pee'. I know it's weird, but trust me. If she says yes, smile and tell her that it's OK, she's NOT going to pee... it's supposed to feel like that! The reason she feels this is because your penis is stimulating the nerves directly below her bladder, so there's some crossover... However, women have a muscle, just like men, that stops the body from being able to pee during sex. If she can stay comfortable and trust the experience, she will feel an orgasm unlike anything she's ever had; it will blow her mind.
Good luck buddy!
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 I suggest you look up female lubricants with special "features" look up the KY brand. Also, try a lot of clitoral stimulation. The Joy of Sex is a book which explains different sexual aspects and explains how both male and female bodies can respond to different stimulations. Kama Sutra too is an ancient book which explains sex, different positions that encourage pleasure. What could be happening is that you're striking your girlfriend's cervix during intercourse and that can feel very uncomfortable and painful depending on the woman. So try not to venture so deeply. On Planned Parenthood's website, there are various birth control alternatives to condoms listed. Look it up with girlfriend and see if you can both agree on discontinuing condoms and using another method. Sex at first is not all great, you have to learn about the things that work for you guys and the things that don't. Ask her what she'd like to do/try, if she has any desires/fantasies. Let her feel comfortable in telling you what she wants.
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