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male
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anonymous
writes: cI am a musician(35) currently in a relationship with a woman, a circus performer(31) whom I have known for some time but only been going out with for 5 months. We met in a whirlwind kind of way, and I was completely swept off my feet, for the first time in years I felt in love, even though I have dated many women, I never before felt so completely blown away by anyone and wanting to open my heart completely to them. We, for better or worse, got 'punk' married at a festival very shortly after getting together, which although it has no standing in law, I would never have undertaken if I was not in love. When first we met, we had the most amazing sex I have ever experienced, it felt more like the true definition of making love than I have ever known, and in almost all ways we seem completely suited to each other. As you would expect in any relationship things simmer down after a while and the intensity wanes a little. In the last couple of months, I have felt increasingly frustrated with our sex life, me stereotypically wanting to make love more often than her. I get really wound up, and as we have spent almost every night together since we met, I am sometimes driven to distraction, lying awake, aroused while she sleeps. My heart beats wildly when she is near me...and I yearn constantly to be with her. She makes me want to sing! and I have indeed written songs for her she loves. I have no desire, for the first time ever in my life for other women, but for me, my libido is such that if I don't have sex for over a week, I begin to feel frustrated, confused, paranoid about love and inadequate. I wonder why I am not turning her on, She professes to love me dearly and I believe her, but we seem to need different levels of physical contact, me being far more tactile and probably more needy. I don't ever want to force or put pressurise to get loving from her, I know that would never be the answer, but I get so wound up my testis ache, then when I masturbate to relieve myself I can think only of her, which makes me more frustrated and provides only very brief respite from my desire. I found out from her recently that she was sexually abused by older men as a child, not raped, but I don't know exactly what, this makes me want more than ever to respect and understand her feelings. Is it natural for me to feel this way, in past relationships I have never felt there to be too little sex, sometimes too much! I am so completely in love that even now my hands and heart quiver thinking about her, when we do make love, which seems to be about once every ten days or so, I feel tense because my desire and expectation is so great. Is my sex drive over the top? Added to all this, she lives in a truck and I live in a house nearby where she parks up, she dropped a bombshell on me last weekend by saying she would have to move into it for the winter or else all her stuff would get damp and have to be thrown away. this ripped me apart, we have virtually been living together since we met, and I have got very used to her company. I have never wanted to nest with someone like this before, and now I meet the person I believe is 'the one' it seems that situations conspire to drive a wedge between us. There are a lot of questions in al this I Know, any advice greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (18 October 2006):
 It is nice you are in love with this woman and it is nice that you want her physically; all you have to do is bring some proper balance to your relationship as you sound like different people with different needs and wants inside and outside the bedroom. Some people just have a lower sex drive than you and there is something to be said for 'quality' more than 'quantity'. Maybe you do spend rather too much time together right now - she may need some space of her own as lots of people need 'me time'. If you do spend time apart then you may find your sexual desires are affected. Maybe the key to curing the problems in your relationship is to get back to basics - it is easy to fall into a relationship routine after all. Spend a little time apart, meet for 'dates' and romance this woman the old-fashioned way - it will be fun for both of you.
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