A
female
age
51-59,
*ouisa3
writes:My libido has disappeared and this has been getting worse for the last 3 years - since last child born. I now feel guilty for not doing it, and guilty when I do it as I am clearly not enjoying it as much as I or my husband would like me to - it is just another chore. Should I:1. act like I want it / enjoy it even though I don't?2. just get on and do it but not act?3. only do it when I feel like it?I think we are getting to a crunch point with this and I'm desperate for answers.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 Go to see your OB/GYN. If you are in your early 40s most likely you are in perimenopause, which will lead to menopause in about 10 years or so.
Not always the estrogen levels drop dramatically at the onset of menopause, in some women they will start decreasing slowly and constantly from around 40 on, causing mild depression and lack of libido.
Your OB/GYN can tell you if you are a candidate for hormonal replacement therapy .
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (23 July 2010):
 May I ask what contraception you are using? As some brands of pill can decrease libido in some of the patients that take it. It could also be caused by an insecurity that you may have - either about your body, or your love life. It could also be caused by stress. I suggest you and your husband go for sex counselling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): I get where BrownWolf is coming from. There is nothing more certain to destroy intimacy, which in turn destroys a relationship, than knowing your partner - for whatever reason - only has sex on very rare occasions and then because they feel they should (ie, a chore, to keep the other half 'happy').
I was in the same situation - my partner of many years - we had no kids - just completely lost her sex drive to the point where we had sex four times one year and then never again. After three celibate years, I left. There is nothing more lonely than lying in a bed at night, with the woman you love and who loves you, but cannot be intimate with you. And if you know it is a chore, you just don't bother, and the vicious circle begins. Very hard to get it back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): Loisa3,
Hello, you mention your last child was born within the last three years, and since then you've lost all desire for sex and you find it a chore..
So, here are a few possibilities of what might be causing the problem. There is no point in tackling just the 'result' of the lack of desire for sex, but more the possible root of the problem, so if once that is pin-pointed you could perhaps work out how to resolve it.
1. Are you possibly suffering from after baby blues, undiagnosed post-natal depression? This is a real problem if not nipped in the bud, so IF you think you may be, consider seeing your GP. As most certainly this would affect your desire, you would also feel tired a lot of the time.
2. You put your age between 41-50, so although unlikely at 41, but another possibility could be you have started to go through the menopause, especially if your 45 or so, and again this could definitely contribute to a lack of sex drive - once more seeing a GP is vital as there is a lot that can be done.
3.When you do have sex with your husband is there a lot of fore-play before intercourse. And during during normal communication with your husband is he/you/both of you warm, affectionate and tactile towards each other? What I'm trying to establish, if you just come together physically when he wants sex or if you're both a generally close couple. IF NOT, the latter I mean, this could be playing a large part in your lack of enthusiasm.
4.Have you stopped fancying your husband, ad don't see him as a man you would like to be intimate with?
5. Does this lack of desire extend to NOT finding other men attractive physically, or ever thinking about sex with another man?
By really thinking about these questions, you can self-eliminate possibilities as to the cause, which is what needs to be dealt with. If it's possibly 1 or 2, then most definitely you can receive help from your GP.
3, you would need to sensitive in the approach with your husband and talk about how you would like to make love more, but to take more time, as you enjoy being close to him so much. Lots of ways to initiate this. A good way to build up anticipation again for love making is to agree to a period of NON-penetrative sex, but have lots of touching, massages, where you get used to being intimate again through connecting NOT just for sex to take place. It's a common practice in sexual therapy.
Finally IF it's 4 or 5, a little more difficult to deal with, as once our sexual attraction completely goes for someone, it is hard, not impossible though, to re-instate those lustful feelings. I just hope my answers/suggestions has helped to clarify where you may be, and perhaps opened your mind to other areas which may be causing this situation.
Gosh having a three year old is tiring, and not feeling physically as you would really like, must be upsetting for you, so please take care, and I really hope you resolve this soon.
Jilly x
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 July 2010):
My wife is exactly where you are now...Just been 13 years for me. If the wind blows I am ready, she has to wait until the week before her period when her hormones are at their highest, and nothing else is distracting her mind.
So, here is what we know. Having kids do change a woman's hormones, some good, some bad.
There are hormones treatment your doctor can do that may help. But maybe you are like my wife...She will not talk to a doctor because she feels embarrassed and does not want the doctor or anyone to know she has this problem.
When we are around friends, she talks like we have the most amazing sex life...nope, maybe sex once every 4 to 5 months if the planets line up just right(I actually used a calender). I no longer want to have sex with her, because I know she is doing it as a chore.
My advise, it's already been 3 years, don't 10 more to go get help from a doctor. Second, if your life has become routine, sex will go out the window, fast.
Do what ever you can not to become like us. Watch porn, read erotic books, anything to find a triger.
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A
female
reader, JK8833  +, writes (23 July 2010):
As an obgyn nurse, I would say see a doctor. They maybe able to help regulate your horomones and get your libido back. Also keep doing it, even if you don't want to. Sometimes it takes training to get your libido back and if you don't use it, you'll lose it! Really though, a lot of women with decreased libidos will continue to do it with their partners and they will find that they train their bodies to want sex. Also I wouldn't fake an orgasm but at least act interested while you are doing it, it'll spare your hubby's feelings and you may find you can trick yourself into enjoying it. Good luck!
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