A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Been with my boyf a year and a half. Everything is great. I love him dearly we live together after recently buying out first home and plan to get married next year. Our only issue ... Sex!For approx the first year of our relationship we had sex all the time! Probably 9/10 times per week! It was amazing! Now its not even once per week. Ive talked to him about it a few times now, he seems a little sensitive about it so i dont want to keep mentioning it but its really getting to me and affecting my self esteem! He told me that if i want sex then i shout initiate it so i now do hence approx once a week. I do try more than this at times but he'll pull away saying hes tired. This makes me feel unattractive though. I want him to want to have sex with me but he just doesnt seem too. We go to bed naked sometimes but just cuddle. I used to dress up all sexy for him every now and them but that never happens anymore. He used to find me so attractive but that just seems to have stopped?Hes very affectionate in other ways, he always cuddles up to me, holds my hand, tells me he loves me and buys me gifts but sex has become a no go.Any idea why this is and how i can fix it?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 January 2015):
 Yes, some men have a lower sex drive than women. It varies a lot, really, there's no such thing as guy's generally wanting more sex than women, that's a myth. Guys want just the same amount of sex as women, some want more, some want less, just like different women want different amounts.
I had a boyfriend like this once, who just had a low drive. I had to initiate EVERY time. But this became clear from quite early on, the only time he ever initiated was the very first time we had sex. All the other times it was me coming on to him, and him just laying there. It was really painful, made me feel rejected, unwanted etc. I have good self esteem, but over time this did start to chip away at how I felt about myself.
I mean I worked out, I stayed in shape, I would dress up for him, I'd repeatedly give him bj's, but he didn't reciprocate. He only did in bed what I asked him to do, despite me telling him over and over what I liked in the hopes that he would do these things by himself without me having to instruct him each time. I mean it is a turn off to have to tell him "put your hand there, press this hard, do this, do that" as you're getting at it.... You'd think he'd know these things after a year of being together.
Whenever we talked about it he refused to see any problem. He just said that "we do have sex a lot" and "I do initiate" etc etc. Which I know he didn't, but he just wanted to win the argument and not acknowledge that there was a problem.
Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I learned that loving a man does NOT make up for a shitty sex life. I needed to find a partner who was as interested in sex as I was, and I've had NO problem in that department since. But this is something you have to figure out for yourself. I stayed a year and a half, even though I knew the sex life was shitty after just a few months. I just kept hoping things would improve, but they didn't. And unless your guy has a really good reason for why his sexual appetite has dwindled in these last 6 months, then I would have to tell you that this is just how he is, and this is how things will stay for the years to come. And you can't do anything about it, because if he doesn't want sex then nothing can change that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): Op here. No when we lie together naked he usually has an erection and almost all mornings he has one so far theres no problem there. Its possible that maybe he does just not want as much sex as me. In previous relationships it was always the male wanting more and me being happy with once a week so i find this unusual and its making me feel very unattractive.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 January 2015):
What does he say when you talk about it? Sounds like you need another discussion about this to get to the bottom of it.
Could be he's having trouble getting an erection. Men often do not want to talk about it if they have this problem, as they feel emasculated and humiliated by it. They will instead use every excuse in the book to not have sex. Have you noticed if he at all gets an erection when you lay naked and cuddle? If there is no erection, then this is probably the reason why he doesn't initiate sex... He can't get it up.
Problems with the erection can come from soooo many things, it is hard to say exactly what would be the cause. It is unlikely that it is because of you or him being less attracted to you. More likely it is stress. My boyfriend has problems getting it up sometimes, it's all psychological. If he is stressed, or thinking about serious things, then it's a no go.
For how long has this been a problem?
It could also be that he just has a low sex drive, but in that case I think the sex would have started to decline sooner, after maybe 6 months, as the "honeymoon phase" lasts around 6 months, and after that things go back to "business as usual".
Talk to him about this one more time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): I think you may have a much higher sex drive than your boyfriend. It seems to be more commonly discussed on here these days. If you can deal with cutting back and going at his pace then you have a good chance of making things work. I can see a lot of frustration ahead if you want more than he does and can't accept his low libido.
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