A
female
age
,
*izzy1
writes:OK everyone, here goes with a daft question more to do with younger people, instead of a middle aged woman!I have recently separated and joined a dating site; met up with a local guy and visited him, just after Xmas. He sent a lot of emails ans when we met, we got on really well and probably, against my better judgment, we had sex. We both wanted to, although, I was the one who actually instigated the act itself, even though he made it more than clear that he wanted to; he was happy to just cuddle though, whilst we were fully clothed and enjoy the moment. Afterwards, we went to sleep, but I awoke early and prepared to leave. I didn't want to wake him. He awoke and followed me down to my car and I said I'd email, or ring. Later that morning, he emailed me and thanked me for the evening and emphasised the fact that he enjoyed the company and that sex had been a bonus and that he wanted me to see him again. That simple! So, instead of just keeping it at that level, I replied, but tried to say that I wasn't ready for anything heavy and that sex had to be on my terms and that we had to see it for what it is!!!! Understandably, he didn't understand this at all and although he was quick to say that yes, we had just had good sex, I got the impression that I really did hurt his feelings. SO, I went to see him and apologised. He was offended that I had been going to just leave, without waking him, when the truth was, I didn't want to wake him, because I wanted to let him sleep on. I stayed there, talking for a while, but when he made any reference to any part of the sex from the previous night, I just froze and looked embarrassed. We kept it light and when I left, he asked for a hug, which I gave him freely.Yesterday, we emailed each other a lot and kept it light, but I still feel that he thinks that I am not ready for a relationship, in the way that he obviously thought I was and I really think that he did fancy me, a lot. He has commented on the fact that I wanted the actual sex and uninitiated it and that he would be happy to have waited. I feel awful; both of us are a mess after marriages, with divorce currently ongoing. I just feel selfish and wish that I could just enjoy his company; he's an honest guy. All I seem to have done is to write an email, which effectively makes me look as though I want it when I want it, which is rubbish; I'm just not used to and no good at new relationships. I just wish that I could be uncomplicated; but I'm so damn shy about it all, which he sees as something else.I have apologised to him and he says that it was good to see me, after to clear the air and that he is glad that I don't think he's angry after my email, but I am sure that I have dented him a little, when it really wasn't my intention.How I wish that I hadn't tried to analyse something which wasn't complicated and just thanked him back!Help, PLEASE.
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female
reader, Dizzy1 +, writes (30 December 2007):
Dizzy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help guys. I've been to see him this morning, for different reason and we have sorted out what we want and what we don't. He said that he did not think that repeat sex was a good idea, until we both know what we want and where we are, but he and I can't help being very attracted to each other and it wasn't long before we were very tactile again and 'affectionate'! I think we're going to have to dampen our ardour!
At least we have cleared the air now and know exactly where we stand, though.
Thanks again.
A
female
reader, Dizzy1 +, writes (29 December 2007):
Dizzy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response, Peoriaman. I think you've hit the nail right on the head!Because we are both enduring very painful divorces, from spouses, who refuse to talk to us at all, our discussions have been very frank and although he made it more than clear that he wanted me and went out of his way to hold my hand, sit next to me etc, I made the decision to 'go all the way' and think that embarrassment and even guilt (I was married for many years) took over and yes, he probably does think that I used him for sex. But, I didn't.He knows, (because we were frank about it) that I have a high sex drive and now probably thinks that although he knew that I may well have been 'a sure thing' with him, he thought that it meant something more until my dreadful response to his email, thanking me for a lovely evening and emphasising that he had enjoyed my company and that the sex 'was a bonus'. And, now, he has put up a defence, trying to play it down.So, I have simply quoted his email to me back to him, and written 'ditto' in response to his comments and asked him to delete my 'other' email and 'forget' about it, as far as one can. We have arranged to meet on New Years Day, so I will talk to him then about it, in the way in which you have suggested in your answer, as this seems sensible and correct.It's so ridiculous. We are well grown adults and sex is still a problem!!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (29 December 2007):
 I think from here you should try to enjoy each other's company and refrain from a physical relationship until you are both ready. With all the emotions of a divorce (both of you) going on it is understandable to be so confused and to over analyze everything.
To get back on the right page, stop thinking about things much and just really sit back and enjoy being together. Have some laughs and try not to get in too deep.
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