A
female
age
30-35,
*hinkingOverdrive
writes:I have no idea what to do anymore. Apologies in advance for the long post but I have nobody to turn to!I have major trouble trusting my boyfriend of 3 years now. A while ago his sister (after they had a massive argument and hated each other) told me he had cheated on me before, and sent me print screened facebook messages of a conversation she'd had with a friend of hers (the girl he allegedly slept with) talking about it which were dated at last August. He obviously denied it; he's never given me any reason to think he'd do anything like that, he's always shown how much he loves me and been honest and open about everything etc. He claims she made it up because of their fight in order to try and ruin his life by splitting us up, and said the messages were obviously faked by putting the date back on her iphone and having a staged conversation - but i don't see how that's possible?!Also a couple of weeks after he told me the girl in question rang him up to say she'd had an argument with his sister and apologised for making it all up, he asked her to apologise to me so that I'd know it was all made up but apparently she said she was too scared, so sent him a text instead saying how she was sorry and that the sister asked her to lie about it so she could show me messages.I still don't truly know what to believe because I can't see how the messages were faked. I should say that the sister is the type who would probably do something like that to be malicious, but it still seems like a bit of a stretch. He's been swearing on everything that's important to him that he has never cheated on me or anything, and that he would never do anything like that etc; if it was purely his word against hers I would believe him because he's always shown his love, even if that has often been through extreme jealousy. He's told me sincerely many many times that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. It's purely the messages that still put doubt in my mind.Since then I keep getting paranoid that he's cheating on me. I often ask to look at his phone (I know I shouldn't) but he lets me see and there's never anything on there from girls. Far from reassuring me this makes my stupid brain tell me things like 'oh he's obviously just deleting everything after he does it'. I can't switch that doubt off.Friday night I stayed at his, he's been ill lately and couldn't sleep so I was sleeping in his bed and he was sitting on the floor playing his xbox. I sleep with an eyemask on and woke up during the night, rolled over and I swear i saw him throw my phone down on the floor as if he'd just been looking through it but didn't want to get caught. I asked him what he was doing and asked if he was on my phone, to which he said he wasn't, and that he had no reason to be. I thought that was a bit odd as I've made it clear if he wants to check my phone he only has to ask, I've got nothing to hide. Anyway I went back to sleep and then woke up a bit later. I could see faintly under my eye mask that he was watching tv and kept looking back over his shoulder to see whether i was awake - i moved a bit so i could see what he was watching and it was one of those channels where girls are practically naked talking to people on the phone who ring up! I let this go on for a minute or so then made it look like i just woke up, at which point he immediately switched the channel back to the xbox. I said i just saw what he was doing, he said he just went on for a few seconds after flicking through the channels (lie), and then said he changed it over because it would look a bit pervy if i saw him watching it (he occasionally puts it on when im round as a joke, like 'oh lets look at the naked ladies' in a jokey way). He wasn't masturbating or anything, but I just think it's weird how he would watch it with his girlfriend sleeping like a foot away...Last night I was back at my house and went to type something in google on my phone, at which point the past search history came up and it said 'free porn' had been searched. I went on my history and looked in time order and coincidentally it had been searched in the middle of the night of when i slept round my boyfriend's - there was also a website called 'bango' in the history but i saw it had been blocked by my phone network as i've never verified my age. Obviously when i thought i saw him on my phone he had been trying to look at porn!! I asked him about it this morning and he's denying it, and is now saying he's had enough with me not trusting him etc. I dont understand why he's lying about this - obviously it was him who went on it, I can't see his mum or dad coming into his room and searching for porn on my phone! He said things like 'why would i look at porn when you're sleeping right next to me' which is exactly what I'm thinking but he must have done it - i certainly didn't search for it!The bad thing is now i know he does lie to me sometimes despite the fact he tells me he never lies to me about anything. This has really p****d me off and is now making me feel more doubtful than ever about the whole cheating thing; if he can lie about trying to look at porn then surely he can lie about cheating.I don't know what to do anymore. This is so hard as he's not only my boyfriend but my best friend; I barely have any other friends and am not the most social of people so I find it difficult to meet new people. I feel like if i lose him i'll be all alone and will never meet anyone else because i have no friends from whom to meet people through/ go out with or anything. Please advise me on what I should do and whether I should try harder to trust him!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): I'm sorry for what you are going through. I feel your pain because I know this situation, I was in it in the past. If he can lie blatantly to your face about porn you need to realize he is definitely lying about other things as well. I caught an ex in the same situation and was actually told the same thing- why would I be watching porn with your sister right down the hall?? Obviously my variation is that it was when my sister was there and I wasn't home. I believed him because I didn't have your hardcore proof, I went on his word over my sister's. He and my sister weren't getting along very well and I believed she was just being malicious towards him. I found out later she was being truthful, he lied directly to my face. We tried to still date but I couldn't get past it, we lasted a few more weeks afterwards.
Now this was a fast forwarding to the end of the relationship. I had been lied to by him before. I forgave more than I should have. I was too scared to be without him, too scared to be alone. I didn't have any friends, he was all I felt I had. Plus I always worried I could end up with someone worse- so he lies about porn, at least he isn't abusive or a cheater. I always had excuses to avoid facing being on my own.
The sad fact is your boyfriend is a liar. He has probably lied a lot up til this point but will be much worse after this point. Once you have caught him in the first lie you will be looking out more, you have lost trust so this is what happens. You will inevitably find out something else he has lied about. I ended up looking through everything of my ex's all the time. Checked his phone, his computer, his bank accounts. It was awful. The trust was completely wiped out and that was the only way I could feel at ease with him, otherwise I was constantly worrying what he was really doing. The very first lie that started it all was about porn, a charge I found on his computer when we were innocently trying to look up something we were over charged for. I had to look up the charge and found it was a webcam porn site. I should've left then but mainly because of fear of the unknown- being alone and different guys- I stuck with him. Later I found he had been talking to an ex behind my back. It went on with various crap and lies until the incident with my sister. At that point I was finally done, I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than deal with this.
Your boyfriend won't admit to the lie. He won't apologize, he won't come clean and say why he was doing it. This is the scary part of it all. He obviously thinks he can convince you of anything. You have proof he did it and he will deny, deny, deny... How could you ever trust him again? Now the cheating claim made by his sister is far more likely. Like you said, if he can so easily and blatantly lie about this then how is the cheating any different? It isn't. He has no qualms about lying to your face and feels no guilt for doing so. He will continue on like this until one of you can't take it anymore- you can't take the lying or he can't take the check ups.
The fear of being alone is a big fear in most people who can't break up. You have essentially become dependent on this person for so long and now you will be on your own. It's out of your comfort zone and it is terrifying so you probably won't face it until you have to. Everyone will tell you to dump him but it won't happen. You will give him excuses to yourself and the benefit of the doubt so you won't have to deal with being alone. I will tell you that it isn't as bad as you fear. The first couple of days it is scary but then comes a feeling of relief, you aren't worried about him anymore. You arent feeling like a crappy girlfriend who has to check up on her boyfriend. You are now in the position to be able to meet someone who isn't a liar and could be perfect for you. During this time you need to stay very busy to keep your mind off of him. I didn't have any friends so I relied entirely on my family and myself. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be at all. I found new things to do, started up a new series television show and bought a few new things. I got more hours at work when I could to stay busy. When I felt really lonely I would visit my parents, hang out with them and talk to my mom. I came on here, dearcupid, and talked with a girl who was going through the same thing, she was a friend even if only online and helped. I would also write out all of my feelings and thoughts because it helped me a lot. Within a couple of weeks I was used to it and doing just fine. Within 5 months I met a great guy who I ended up marrying and am happy with today. I am very happy to say I never worry he is cheating on me and I never feel I have to check on him. It's a wonderful feeling. Now I believe when everyone says a relationship needs trust and without it you have nothing.
I don't believe your relationship will make it forever. I'm not sure who will end or it when but I really doubt you will marry and end up with this guy. When you do find yourself on your own just know that it will all be okay. It hurts and is hard at first but you will definitely end up better. You deserve more than a cheater and a liar. Being on your own for a bit is not the worst thing in the world. Find yourself, spoil yourself with new fun things. I hope you find the strength to end this on your own. It won't get better from now, only worse.
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