A
male
age
41-50,
*houghtfulone
writes:Hello All,I am back again, so I am 41 years old, apparently for my age I am in good shape and do't look my age. But my issue is this, I am longing to settle down and be married but living in London and seeing Societies Women generally either looking to settle down with someone who is materially better off than me (I think I am supposed to own a property by now. Be a top flight executive or a business with a number of staff.I have spent a life doing fun things that I wanted to travelling, having a fairly successful entertainment career. I am healthy, I have a supportive family but I want to be settled down.I was with someone for five years we split in 2010. Knowing you do not just jump straight in I have been single since then but I feel the clock is ticking and I am either I am being too choosey or I am not reading signals or getting the spark.At 40 years old, never married, never engaged, I am starting to worry a bit that I have all my chances at love. Out of women I have dated, the ultimate type of girl would be like the first girl I was ever in a long term relationship with which was 17 years ago. I broke off when my career was getting started as the circle of people I was around at the time were all entertainment industry and she wasn’t and I was motioned towards taking up the offer of the hot girl at performing arts. Being I guess plain stupid and maybe having a bit of a ego at the time. I left my stable loving girlfriend. No I did not cheat, but breaking up was not easy. Suffice to say the hot career girl thing did not work. I did get back with my Ex fleetingly but I think it was too soon. My career took off and I was travelling and then it was brighter lights. I was aware that I was meeting more of the type of people like the so called hot career girl. I wanted a more stable girl not in the industry. Her family where quite upset with me because she was really badly hurt, I always wanted to say sorry to them for letting them down. But I was so young and I needed to live, learn and burn. Now older, I wanted to know if it was bad to see if she was still available. I knew she was the perfect girl at the time but I was just not mature enough to deal with commitment through till marriage at that time. I never cheated when we were together. If she was not interested at least also it would be closure I have read a lot about people getting married only to find that they want to be with someone else. I know that she is not married right now still she must be mid thirties! I am thinking of going past the shop where she works next week. People have said that the world is full of opportunities but I know if I was blessed with another chance I would be content for the rest of my life. I do take marriage very seriously. To meet someone now I would want to court for at least 5 years making me 46 yrs but I could be ready to be with this other Lady a lot sooner if the spark was still there for her! Thoughts please, happy New Year All regardless of viewpoints wish you all love, happiness and light!London Dear Cupid Fan
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, audrey29  +, writes (3 May 2013):
Hello...
I wanted to answer to you because as I've written to You is incredible but i really feel what You write here...i came in this platform just like that i never knew about it and here i am because I love to read people's feeling...that most of the time in this world are kept aside because we all run behind silly things..I may say that for instance I am 28..i consider myself a pretty woman..intelligent..funny..hardworker and I just ended a relationship hat was really negative for me...because at times i have this "red cross" feeling of saving people that in reality they don't want to change...and i've been involved in this process knowing that i was the one loosing more...so i closed and few day later i've closed this story, i received a message from my ex boyfriend of 3 years..we've lost connection since 7 years i guess...and he is married and he was saying that he missed me loads and I started to cry thinking that when i was still very ingenuos i took the story for granted saying that i didn't want to commit but to improve my lifestyle..follow my dreams and etc...and now i obtained few things that i was dreaming but i could have never imagined that it was too hard to find a NORMAL guy..a Christian man..with values..it seems that the more You grow the more it gets hard because me as well i'm very picky..is not easy but when i've heard my ex boyfriend i felt that we were different...even if we had something really strong together but i knew in my heart that my choice was directed by God because he wanted me to pursue other things quite important...so I wanted to tell You that..don't force things...if it didn't work out years ago...there is a reason..the right time will come..always pursue the present and the future...if is past there is a reason.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 January 2013):
 I think in those 17 years you have grown in your career, but SHE has grown in her own life, she is NO LONGER the girl you dumped those 17 years ago. SHE is a whole other person. Are you? You don't sound it, you still sound like the world revolves around you... And honey, it doesn't. I seriously doubt she had been wasting 17 years for you to grow the F up and realize SHE is the one.
I DO think this happens to guys (and gals) who are too busy entertaining themselves and their OWN ego for decades to suddenly stop and realize that it's not as much fun to do alone. So they go back the the last good thing in their life that worked, hoping it will magically make their life less empty. The thing is this girl doesn't posses magic - she can't wave a wand and make everything "perfect".
You have a house with "fully furnished all latest stuff. Amazing wardrobe" - lovely.. if you are a teenager or a shallow kind of girl. DO you really think THAT is going to make you life whole? STUFF?
This is how you live your life:
FEEL good and LOOK good is most important - like you, nothing that REALLY matters are there. Plastic people.
This is what you need a dose off:
DO good and BE good are the most important - these are the people who find happiness within themselves and those around them. They don't give a shit about Gucci or Armani or a $5,000 purse.
Now you may have a lovely house and "stuff", but what do you REALLY have to offer her? Your undying love, til you see greener grass - again?
Personally, though, I think you need to leave her be. Let he live her life. Find your own happiness.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 January 2013):
Dear OPI don't know what it is but you men seem to have this sort of nostalgia about your first love. My dad tried to get together with his first girlfriend, after 20 years or so, when marriage with my mom was at a low. And as the other agony aunts said, women that have any self respect will have moved on by now. As had she. This will not bring closure, because she's probably had her closure by now, it's just you that needs to draw a line.You can't turn back time!This love has become something special in your memory now, but this woman has changed and so have you. All you can do is learn from that mistake but you can't undo it. That only happens in crappy hollywood romantic movies.If I was you, I'd really overthink your perception of women in your area. You describe them as being materialistic or unwilling to commit. That can't be true for a 100% of London women. Maybe you just fish in the wrong ponds or you are blind to the women that might be good for you.Maybe you should throw overboard some stuff that worked for you when you were in your twenties, when a 5 year courting time would have made sense. It's possible that you won't be able to turn it all around and lead a picture perfect life as a caring husband or father with traditional values by now. Back when other guys settled and had boring work, when they invested their free time in their wifes and children, you had your career but you didn't exactly care about settling down. Be grateful for the life you had and accept your biography. And make your future plans based on the fact that you're 40 and not very committed in the past and don't try to act like you are still 20. Life can still be good and you can still find love, but maybe not exactly the way you dreamt of. Maybe you'll find a woman who already has kids and an ex husband, maybe you'll find someone new but it will only last for 2 years. Maybe you'll find a lovely woman who doesn't have a perfect hot body or an interesting career. This will still be better than being alone and daydreaming about something seemingly perfect that ended a long time ago.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (6 January 2013):
 The only thing stopping you from settling down is your attitude, you'd like to 'court' someone for 5 years before properly committing?! What women in their late 30's/40's wants that! What are you scared of about getting married? Open up to the idea of settling down meet a new woman commit to her and take it from there.
You can't base your decision on London women by speaking to one person!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): If you want to try to make contact with her again then go for it, but make sure you are ready for the fact that she might tell you to sling your hook. My boyfriend at 17 treated me terribly and I was gutted at the time. Now I look at him and realise what a lucky escape I had because I am not the same woman today (10 years later). I'd also think he had a bit of a cheek to expect to pick up where we left off after how he treated me, but maybe that's just me!It also sounds like you are desperate to settle down now and you have picked this girl because you think it would save you the trouble of having to date for a long time. Not the case - you will have both changed a lot so she will be as much a stranger to you now as anyone else. I do wish you happiness but I fear you are barking up the wrong tree here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): I'm going to keep this short and simple. After all these years , you're still making the same mistakes. You left this woman TWICE. Once for the hot career girl. Didn't work out with her so you FLEETINGLY went back. Left her again due to you're career taking off. Broke her heart twice.Let's fast forward.Mastered the career, have the latest and greatest in materialistic things and can travel the world if you chose. You didn't mature at all when it came to how you handle you're relationships. Instead of it being the hot career girl, its now Societies Women. Didn't work out well with them. Instead of your career blossoming you had a five year relationship, didn't work out well either. So now, you want to come crawling back to the same girl you left 17 years ago and you still have yet to see how history has come back full circle. What is really puzzling to me is why would you think this woman after 17 years of life experiences, won't be able to see straight through that?! I sure did. When it comes to you're personal relationships , you need to mature more. Its not fair to her to pop up in her life after almost two decades because things didn't go well. She is still after all these years "second best" whether you realize it or not. She is only good enough now because you haven't found the "one". To be honest, I hope she does tell you to f... off!With all that being said, I do wish you the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): If i were her i'd be insulted. I think you should leave her alone because i very much doubt she'd be interested in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, thoughtfulone +, writes (6 January 2013):
thoughtfulone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow Aunty Bim Bim that really was a rocket up my backside for 2013.Um maybe I got my story a bit wrong, as I did not dump her twice for hot chicks. We split because I thought yes that the grass was greener. We did see each a few times other when that came to a close but never officially got back together.I terms of what I own I have my own house in London, fully furnished all latest stuff. Amazing wardrobe, lots of hobbies I could go tomorrow on Holiday anywhere in the world all that kind of materialistic stuff that I have been doing for years and I am bored of. I do want to settle but the dating situation has changed in London. I do not see a lot of Women actually wanting to settle down. When I worked in Banking I asked a Women who was with her partner for five years why she does not want to get married. She said he is not the one. I asked why she was still there No answer. I.e keeping him until something better happens. Women do not have to be with a man and whilst I could get into a relationship for just sex or something casual. It is not what I want. Look I asked for comments from the World and your reply is harsh and I am sucking it up. I don't think she would use profanity if she wasn't into the idea of a visit. But surely I will post up and let everyone know what happened.Thanks again for the comments though, good luck and happiness to one and all in 203.A London Dear Cupid Fan
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 January 2013):
 Are you sure you want my viewpoint?
You dumped her for something/somebody hotter who was better for your image at the time .... effectively stamping her with "REJECT" across her forehead
And then when the hot thing didn't work out, you got back with her, but then dumped her again when your career took off --- thats the second rejection.
Whether you cheated or not during the two periods you were together is immaterial.
What on earth do you think she has been doing for the past 17 years, believe me, if she was sitting around pining for you for that period of time the girl you rejected twice no longer exists. And if she got on with her life, with the ups and downs, the highs and lows we all experience as we go through life, again, that girl you rejected twice no longer exists.
You should take your namby pamby lying to yourself that contacting her will bring closure, closer, in my opinion is a crock, you dumping her twice for the hot chicks is closure enough, and anyway, what have you got to offer her anyway, can you show her what you have gained over the past 17 years, in your own words you dont own anything, or have anything, the only long term relationship you have had during the 17 years only lasted 5 years ... what have you got to offer this other lady, zipp, nothing, nada, sweet FA ... you are not good enough for the Societies Woman as you call them, and you capitalise the words, why is that? what makes you think the other girl should settle for you.
I hope if you do approach her she tells you to fuck off.
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