A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and perhaps give me life-changing advice.I am a 27 year old single mother. I go to school and work hard. I'm very independent in many aspects, including emotionally. I'm trying hard to break some of the habits that come along with it so that I can eventually form a lasting relationship with someone. Establishing a relationship is very important to me. My ideal relationship is one where we work together as team to maintain a structured household, and can depend on each other and love each other as unconditionally as we love our children.. I want the family life, fully equip with a man to share experiences and love with (who doesn't want that in their late twenties, right?). So far, all I have had is dead end dates with casual similarities that I can't grasp an underlying cause for.Here is my share in the situation:If things do not go decent between me and a guy, I am not the type of girl to chase him. I know what kind of relationship I want and if it's not what he wants, I set him free. I've always paid my own bills and the idea of splitting bills or being co-financial is a foreign language to me. This is an area that I have explained to guys I need worked with on. I am willing to overcome it, but do not feel as though I can until I am actually doing it with someone. I don't see myself supporting a guy, and I don't feel comfortable asking for bill money from a guy. So basically, it seems ideal to date a guy who somewhat independent as well, and try to transition later on when things start to kick off. This means two busy people altering their schedule, something I am willing to do if a guy is willing as well. Communication is very important to me. If a guy cannot carry on a in-depth conversation with me periodically, I feel deprived of a basic need!I have tried numerous dating partners to break down some boundaries. For example, I want a guy to feel comfortable coming to my place uninvited, because he feels most welcome to. Three months into a relationship, I'd like for him to feel comfortable walking in and waking me up! The past few years, every guy I've dated has expressed discomfort in showing up without invitation. They've even gone as far as to say they worried about the company I might have. I try to stress that I rarely have guests and that it is somewhat offensive to me to assume that I would have another guy over the instant I'm alone and unexpecting of [him]. I make a sincere effort to be an open book in regards to how I feel and what my opinions are. For some reason, a majority of guys I thought I was getting to know end up expressing that they have a very hard time "reading" me, as though I'm equip with some sort of emotional detachment that breaks our connection down. This really confuses me because I find myself to be very open to discuss anything honestly. If there's something they want to know, though it's always nice to have to clearly portrayed, all they ever have to do is just ask me and I will tell them. What is there left to be read? what makes me so unreadable?It seems that all around me are single people claiming to want a strong loving relationship like I do, but when it comes to doing so, it seems as though they hardly grasp the concept of it. Guys don't seem to want hobbies with their girlfriends, they just want physical,and then the freedom to pursue hobbies elsewhere on their own time. Guys don't want to find away to blend schedules together. They don't set goals, and then they want me to find a babysitter every single time we hang out. I just don't see how this is a way of two grown adults transitioning into each other's life realistically. (if a guy has to drink to hang out, I friend-zone him!). There's just so much overwhelming me in my dating life. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel because accepting a single status seems almost easier. But gosh, I just don't get how I'm so stuck being single! I work hard, I'm lady-like, I look decent, I'm generally a problem solver and very adaptable to the unique needs of my partner. I read all these things online trying hard to gain advice on the situation. Never can I find anything unique to me as a person though. And so when I read such things, I feel like I'm deviating from who I am as a person and getting no where good with it. For example,What is wrong with me having like ten things I don't like about my body? All these articles tell me that's not attractive, but that just a mainstream opinion. I don't mind an insecure guy and I'm not about to fake higher confidence. I see it having no barrier on my ability to treat myself and someone else morally. Everyone has insecurities. Articles tell me that I shouldn't be willing to make changes for a guy beyond moderate means. Shouldn't I be allowed to go as far for a guy as I feel comfortable? If I'm with a guy and he doesn't like me texting after midnight, am I really a push-over if I say ok dear, I wont do it anymore? Why is it that people feel a guy must always be in a subconscious chase with his girl? I'm adaptable. I don't want to change that about myself. Articles tell me to wait and the right guy will come along. Just focus on myself. I did that for a few years and it only made me more independent and seemingly stuck deeper into the single zone.I am rather good at suppressing emotions such as jealousy or aggression. When suppressing jealousy, however, it seems as though I am opening a door for the guy to assume that I have no sense of expectations and it tends to result in me getting treated rather unfairly. Nonetheless, nothing has been much help to me overcoming what it is I am doing wrong, or what I could be working on. Is there a sort of timeline and realistic approach to having such a relationship with someone? Do healthy relationships form off of dating drinking partners and minimizing the incorporation of the kids into our schedules? Being that I am a loner most of my busy week, do I need to be searching for additional friends to accompany me in my grocery shopping, or is this something normal couples actually do together? How can I get a guy to trust that I am far more emotionally available than I come across as, and that I'm simply saving the more intense feelings for months into a relationship? I mean, I have plenty of emotions to share and invest with. If a guy is running somewhat wild when we start to date, would it be unreasonable to end it, due to my concern with what he wants in life, and is that something I should be expecting to change, or would expecting him to change for our sake be selfish and controlling of me? Maybe my ideal relationship is too much to toss at some guys, chasing them off. At the same time, I want someone who isn't going to interfere with my current goals and parenting. This is also an issue because I don't want to introduce them all to my kids and confuse my kids, yet the kids are part of my package and routine. Had I found someone and married five years ago, I could perhaps been settled down and waking up to a guy every morning by now. But instead, I'm already settled down, doing the family thing, and coming home every night by myself with the hopes of finding someone who does the same thing, and is willing to transition together over time, without sacrificing our present goals in the process (for example, I don't want to sacrifice a great deal of my parenting time- if I were already settled with someone,these things would be sorted out already). Any advice is appreciated and thank you in advance!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): You keep saying you want someone to commit to making it work, but that's something you do long term, you need to get there first, you can't rush in to half way into "happily ever after".Be as open as you can about who you are from the beginning, maybe you'll find someone quickly, but you might not, unfortunately it will be a bit more difficult for you as you have kids. Even in their late 20's, early 30's some men still feel too young for kids, my brother in law told my sister he wanted three kids, she did too, but she expected to start around 26-28, he thought they could start around 40. You don't need to try to offer what each person is wanting, dating is finding someone who wants the same things.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): I am the OPFirst I want to say that I am very grateful for your thorough reply. I find the part where I could be treating things like a business transaction most useful. You're right, I do that. I wouldn't say that it prevents me from having fun though. Usually I date a guy several times and it just doesn't work out. I am a firm believer that healthy relationships require the two people to have hobbies and fun together, because a sex based relationship dulls out over time. I find myself to be very outgoing and adventurous when I finally come across a person to do things with, as I am usually single and loaded with ideas and no one to go with. Even the most casual of dates I have embraced and enjoyed. It's the connecting with them that seems to be a barrier, and when that is accomplished, it's the transition that seems impossible.Maybe I do see my life style as the most ideal way to go about things. This here has been a barrier on relationships for me as well because at some point, I have to give up my independence. I am okay with that as long as it is not going to drag me backwards. I mean, I have to finish college and be here for my kids. Is it really that stuckup of me to not want to go any further with the guy who got pissy drunk on 3 out of 4 dates? Obviously it's the only way they felt they could have a good time and they aren't expressing an interest in the other 95% of my life. That's just my opinion. Usually, I end up turning these sort of guys into friends to hang out with because prolonged periods of time staring at a wall by myself gets boring and lonely. I wouldn't say that I have anger towards men, because I think that there are a lot of screwed up females out there as well. It's just in my situation, I'm dealing with men because I am a straight female. And I don't mean to refer to these people as screwed up, it's just relationships don't seem like they used to be fifty years ago and they aren't seemingly finding what they claim they are looking for in me, though I feel I am anxious to offer such.Perhaps I come off as stuck up and materialistic as well, only concerned with my goals and accomplishments. I feel this comes from a prior history of dating guys who get aggressive and mess my stuff up. I've spent a great deal of time single trying to end the pattern of bad relationships and drop the trust issues and damage I once had from these relationships, and in that time frame I came to be more successful than I ever was in my past relationships, back when I was younger and would land boyfriends for extended periods of time. (Please dont tell me I have to give this stuff up to get there again) The "honeymoon" phase of a relationship seems somewhat hard for me to go through because I am a full time mother. Settled down established relationships usually have two people who take care of business through out the day and save the affection for later, after the kids go to bed. Every time I try to get into a relationship, it seems they want to come over and hang out all day long and such, and then get bored or offended when I have to pause and do my dishes. How am I to entertain someone so often? If it were a settled down relationship three years down the road, the guy might take himself into the living room and watch a movie while I finish my chores. Instead, I will have an irritated guy waiting on the couch expecting another 10 hours straight of undivided attention. I'm really trying hard to make the "honeymoom" phase work, but realistically.. yea... I guess I just feel that at my age, dating guys older than me (which I tend to do) that they should be settled down to a degree as well and perhaps expecting of such obstacles. Its petty stuff that is worked through in strong relationships and I don't feel I am asking much when it comes to these things. Correct me if I am too stubbern. Yes, it would be nice to find someone who wants what I want. And to an extent, I am firm on that. In all honesty, I will probably remain single before giving that up. However, I do not think this contradicts my insecurities. I'm insecure about having goofy toes, small tits, and a tic disorder that subjects me to jokes and awkward silence. I am not bothered by a guy with a gut, hairy back, and little wiener. I just don't want to cuddle up and rub all over a person who is just going to tell me a month later that they aren't looking for anything serious. And I know the internet makes it seem like guys will wait, but in reality, a lot of people aren't going to wait three months to screw at my age. I'm already detached as is. Allowing a guy who isn't ideal for me in many ways to touch me feels like a compete invasion of my personal space and I always regret it later when the relationship doesn't go anywhere. My expectations are this. I want a guy who wants to commit to making it work. I am not the type of girl to let a relationship spiral into non-stop arguing. My house is peaceful as is. I want a guy who wants to work through problems effectively, and I am flexible in that aspect. I want a guy who is going to be a good step parent. Which of these is asking too much? I'm from a rough town, but as a person I am growing and working on my professionalism. I don't want a guy who drinks or parties heavily. I'm like one of those people who try to completely change for the better. I have a rough past,but I'm aiming to live a straight future. Therefore, I am seemingly meeting people who are still living rough, or people who have a good head on their shoulders who can't stomach hearing about my wild teen years because they seemed to have been sheltered. I'm not picky about a guy's past. But if two weeks into the relationship he tells me that he's going to snort a pill for the first time in a year because it's a holiday, I see that as a red flag. Gosh there's just so many factors, and if you can't tell, I have put so much thought into this stuff. I could go into great detail about most of the things mentioned. I just want a guy who sets goals with me because he is ambitious like I am. There's nothing self-centered about that in my opinion. I am a single mother who works very hard. A single father who does it all on his own and pushes to get somewhere should, in my opinion, would understand the blessing that would come from having another adult in the household who helps them hold it down and make it flourish. It just seems as though a lot of people claim they want a good strong relationship (guys and chicks alike), and yet with such a large amount of people wanting one, two people can't just sit down and say "ok, this is what we want, and we're going to give it to each other and be happy". To me, it really seems as though it should be that simple. But it's not. Then again, as you mentioned, it really is a lot to throw at someone in the first few weeks. I'm just tired of having my time wasted. I don't want to sound like a business transaction in the first part of a relationship, but I don't want another toxic relationship either. I just want someone who wants what I want- a family system that is happy and functional. In what ways do you suggest a person began to discuss these things? Do you think it's just a matter of waiting for someone to come along and say it's what they want as well?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2015): It's good to have structure, purpose, and goals. Then sometimes we have to let go and just relax. You hold yourself together for your kids, your job, and you want to be a good role model. All this takes its toll; so you don't know how to relax when you're dating. You've got too many expectations, constantly beat guys over the head with what a catch you are, and you don't allow yourself to be just a real person. You try too hard to be this and that, and not just relax. Now you've turned bitter on guys and dating; because the perfect guy meeting all your best criteria hasn't come along.
I beg your pardon? What is dating all about in the first place? It's meeting different people, trying them on for fit, and if they don't; you move on. No regrets and no worries.
You will never fit all the preconceived criteria any guy considers his perfect mate; nor will you find a guy who fits the mold of the prefect male prototype that you've created in your own imagination. Most humans fall short, just as do you. You set high standards, and yet you have your own insecurities. That's a bit contradictory, don't you think? Then you say you're reasonable and flexible, after giving every possible reason you're so frustrated.
You're not as flexible or easy-going as you think. You hate dating. You never have any fun. You don't allow yourself to, trying too hard to find a husband and father. You'll deny this. I'm wise, I know better. I'm human too!
You have to find someone you enjoy spending time with first!
You judge yourself one way, but others are more objective and may see something much different. Sitting down on a date when you should be having light and fun conversation; shouldn't feel like you're negotiating a business contract, or doing a job interview. When a guy asks you out on a date, he hopes he can help you have a good time. Buy you a good meal, make you feel relaxed, and in a romantic mood. It doesn't have to end in sex. That's a reward, not a dividend, nor an obligation.
I get a headache listening to my straight female friends laying out all these high standards for what they expect from males; like I don't know their faults, weaknesses, and every reason they're alone. Yes, everyone has insecurities but they shouldn't be a burden for anyone else to carry.
When we don't find what we want in people right-away, we tend to go into judgement-mode, and start over-scrutinizing them for not meeting everything on the "check-list." Then the date becomes less fun, and the guy has spent a mint on a meal to be cross-examined like he did some sort of crime.
All he wanted was to tell you how pretty you look, how wonderful you smell, and hoping he at least looked good to you. If this isn't realized and exchanged on a date. It's a flop, and it isn't always his fault.
Just enjoy being with a guy for the evening without laying out all your criteria on the table; coming on a date loaded for bear. Armed with questions and carry a brief-case like the district attorney. Yes, you've got kids. It's not his fault you do. However; as circumstances have it, you're also single!
If a guy will date you knowing you have kids, he is being open-minded. Yes, he would expect you to get a baby-sitter; if you're dating a single-guy. If he is a divorcee, or has kids of his own, he would be in the same boat; and would expect equal understanding from you. If you're dating single childless men; they are limited in knowledge about your situation as a single-mother, but they learn as they go. They don't come fully-equipped and ready to meet your every expectation of what they should know, do, and feel.
You may see yourself as a lot of positive things, but I think you are pretty bitter, frustrated, and disillusioned with the male gender. You can deny it, but read your post.
It is chocked full of disillusionment and pessimism.
Dating people is a matter of selection, timing, and destiny.
I realized while dating I wasn't having any fun, always comparing what I had before my partner died. Expecting someone to fill that void I had in myself, and hating the fact the perfect guy didn't step-up to the plate; and end all my searching in frustration. I hated and loved my new independence. It took me time to learn that I needed romance in my life; and it wasn't always served looking like the picture on the menu. The men I met served it their way, and I had to learn to appreciate the surprises and grow a taste for things beyond my own expectations. I started enjoying dates more; because I didn't focus on what I expected a guy to be, but became delighted in discovering who he is. Not telling him what I expected from him, but telling him the things that I like. Then allowing him to tell me things about himself that I didn't pry out of him.
I found men relaxed in my presence, as did I in theirs. They willingly shared their secrets, hopes, and dreams. I also had to learn not to always sit in judgement; because people don't have the same goals in mind. We're just on a date, I'm not at a meeting with my accountant or financial-planner. All that other stuff about future falls into place and is meant to be discussed as a relationship appears to be taking formation. When an actual connection has been made. I dare say, women always jump the gun in this area.
Where we guys drag our feet. I have never been one to easily attach my feelings; so like you, guys became insecure if I like them or not. That's just how I am, but once a guy grows on me; I either become his most loyal friend, or his best lover. I can only speak anecdotally about my love-life; but what I've learned also comes from my education and great deal of reading. My experience in a long-term relationship; then suddenly being thrust into being single, and finally being dumped when I first decided to let my feelings flow. All that has given me a good coat of armor. It has also given me a great deal of insight. I've been there and done that.
I know you've got your act together. That is clear. Sometimes you have to set that aside and let yourself out to play. That's what dating is about, as well as getting to know who and what you're dealing with. Just don't presume every guy you date is going to become or wants to become a permanent fixture in your life, and he's not a bad guy if he doesn't. He simply finds you attractive, wants to spend time with you, may want to have sex with you; or may want to see if you are wifey-material. He is evaluating you just as much you are checking him out. If you see his evaluation as picking you apart, or an attack on your faults? That's your bitterness showing. Nobody's perfect.
I've read books on dating too. Mostly, I've talked to my older wiser friends; and I've had deep discussions with my much younger friends, siblings, and colleagues to find out how people generally think and feel about dating. Also to discover what others want in a date. It's not just about what I want, and my manhunt. It's learning that we're all in this together; and we all share the same disappointments and successes.
That helped me to see beyond my own over-structured, over-planned, and unrealistic expectations from people I barely know; who innocently asked me out to dinner or wanted to take me to a show. They were doing their best to determine why and if they like me. All I had to do was be myself and give them a reason. It took me a long time to figure this out, but my problem wasn't bitterness or cynicism. It was grief over the loss of my partner. Then my inexperience with dating after being in a very long relationship. I could see many of my own faults were getting in my way. Then comes the point I had to own them without beating myself to a pulp.
Initiating self-improvement comes with introspection and self-evaluation. It's hard to do, if you think you're too together. Conceit paints a very distorted self-portrait, and we start thinking we're too good for anybody. People pickup on it, and will dump you for it in a skinny minute. Been there and done that. So nobody is really immune to this. It's all a part of the dating process and human nature.
Keep your attitude positive, maintain your goals and values; but have fun at it. Taking the fun out of dating makes it a chore. You don't enjoy being with a man, and he will not enjoy being with you. You can also read too much, and when you don't see things falling into place like the textbook, you become confused. After-all, aren't best-sellers written by experts! No, they're written by players and frauds!
You can't "establish" a relationship. They happen. Based on timing, chemistry, emotional connection, phases of the moon, alignment of the planets, and the will of God. So you simplify things by having fun at it. Weed your way throw bad prospects without residual resentment and holding grudges. Stop talking about yourself or interrogating your date long enough to allow for some kissing, snuggling, hand-holding, and making out. Even if there will be no sex. At least enjoy the date, it might be your last for a long time; or just the beginning of many. Many dates don't always lead to the alter, and it wasn't a waste of time if it doesn't. You can be hell-bent on marriage, and find that it will only frustrate you, because that also makes you pushy and obnoxious. You may not see it, but men do! You can feel whatever you want about us; but you're heterosexual. So you have to have a more healthy and positive opinion or perception of men. A heterosexual relationship is not complete without one of us. Nor is a gay one, if you're a man who likes men!
Maybe this makes no sense at all to you. I hope it does, and maybe somebody else gets it.
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