A
male
age
36-40,
*ineanddandy
writes:Hey, sorry that this is going be to quite lengthy. I apologize for any ranting.Lately my fiancée has been acting completely different than she has in the past. I love her more than I can explain, but have been questioning whether this is the right decision - as has she.It started a couple months ago, she confessed to me that in the past she engaged in an affair, which was not a huge shock, I had known she was emotionally involved with multiple people earlier in our relationship, however, until then I was unaware she had been romantically involved with one of those men. She told me it was more than once, for a period of time, usually while I was at work. As hurt as I was I told her she had nothing to worry about, it was in the past. I knew she had things going on at the time that were bothering her, without getting into it I can say she brought into the relationship personal issues which I have to accept.So we continued on for a couple weeks without mentioning what she had told me, but to a point I could not take it anymore, it was all I could think about, so I told her it was bothering me, and how much. She reacted with anger, she was upset, and felt as though I was holding it against her.Since then, things have been completely different. She has distanced herself from me, big time. For the first time in our relationship she has been ignoring me, paying no attention to what I say, shushing me when I try to talk to her, etc. Basically all we have done the last month or so is sit at the television until we fall asleep, which is totally out of the ordinary for us. We are usually very active, social, we have amazing conversations that last for hours, we used to have sex more or less on a daily basis, things were great.She says all we have been doing is watching TV because she has nothing to talk to me about, she does not find what I have to say to be interesting, lately she has mentioned a few times how other men would be more than happy to be in a relationship with her, whereas I am with her and miserable. Our sex life has been non-existent since our conversation about the cheating. She has said a few times that the only reason she`s continuing with our wedding is because it`s too close to call off. She has also told me she has no desires of being intimate on the honeymoon. I told her she is being selfish.Earlier today she even said she cannot imagine having children with me, children used to be something we looked forward to, and spoke of often.She just has not been the same, I think it is just cold feet, she does not seem to have a comment for me, I keep trying to talk, but she just ignores me, taunts me as I try to talk, she`ll occasionally say something hurtful, or try to manipulate my words and accuse me of always wanting to argue, when really I just want to talk. I miss her, I miss speaking to her and feeling her, but she really doesn't seem to want any part of it.Throughout our relationship we have always had an issue with the give and receive ratio, she asks me to do more or less everything for her, she will call me out of the washroom to pour her a glass of water, and there she will be, standing next to the fridge waiting. It has been that way lately more so than ever, I feel like she has been a total bully. Before when she would ask things of me, I would do as she asked gladly, because I knew I was appreciated, but now she doesn't bother in asking, she just demands it of me, which hurts.She has just been acting completely out of character, today for instance she referred to herself an an elegant white woman who deserves to be waited on, verbatim, which was shocking to hear. Prior to that she complained to me because her cat scratched the sofa, I told her it wasn't my fault, cats scratch things, it happens. She took offence, accused me of being responsible for the cat behaving poorly, then she continued to say that she is frustrated with trying to train me, because I am too defiant, which was again shocking and out of character.She continued on my case about chores around the house not being done, at which point I was pretty soured, and I told her that I feel like I am a slave in this relationship, I told her the give and receive ratio is way off and has been lately, I told her that I wanted to talk and figure out what was wrong, why things have been so, but she did not care to hear it, she just laid in bed motionless, speechless, having no reaction to what I had to say, as if she could not care less.I told her I do not plan on being condemned to a lifetime of being treated like a slave, she mocked me as a response, then laughingly said she does not care how I feel, she knows I wont actually leave, so she has nothing to worry about.This whole mean streak is totally out of character, after reading that she would seem like a very harsh person, but that is not the case at all, lately things have just been totally strange. Normally she is nothing but sweet and loving, now she treats me like an errand boy, I feel like I am only here for her convenience, and she has actually told me so. I just dont get it. We are all set to be married in just over a month, all the arrangements have been made, but suddenly she has no interested, whereas before she was totally swept.Can I get some input please? I feel like I fell asleep and woke up in someone else's horrible relationship. Do you think this is just cold feet? What is a fella to do?
View related questions:
affair, at work, engaged, no desire, period, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I don't want to end things, as much as it should perhaps happen, I do love her, and to be fair I haven't shed light on any of her positives here.
It's like she's on one minute and off the next, there was another big blowup today, just as I thought things were getting better. It started for no reason, and ended again with her taunting me, and laughing that I won't actually leave.
She did acknowledge today that she hasn't been paying attention to anything I've been saying for a while. Which is some sort of progress I suppose. And I do know she feels terribly about it, I know she wants to interact with me, but we both feel as though our peak was in the beginning of our relationship. Though we also both feel whatever was there before is still here somewheres, just in hiding. At least that's the hope. I wouldn't stick around this long if I didn't think we had some hope.
She confessed to me this evening that she has been unable to fully open up to me again because she feels like I'm still not over the cheating. I told her we're getting no where because I'm not going to be able to get over it and have full trust until I feel like she's being open with me, which I believe to be fair.
Continuously she tells me I do not woo her emotionally, but she keeps telling me that I have the potential to, she`s just too scared to let it happen. Hence why she ignores me.
I`m frustrated though, because although we were getting progress, once things started heading in what was seemingly the right direction, out of no where again she totally went off, yelling at me, taunting me, interrupting me whenever I tried to speak. This is a bit of a theme, whenever we start to make progress, or whenever things are looking up, she totally brings it all down. When I try to talk to her about this, she just blows up and refuses to hear it.
She is scared to getting close and I don`t know why, she reminds me that she struggles with fidelity, and seeking attention from solely me, because it`s not something she has ever done, or seen in practice growing up, which I understand. She told me she has always relied on one person to fill her needs physically, and another to fulfill her emotional needs, she says it is difficult with me because I need to do both, which she has a hard time allowing.
I`ve suggested counselling for us, even individual therapy, but since she has a psychology degree she feels above that.
Has anyone ever been in a similar spot? Or do you have any constructive input? I swear I`m going to lose my mind if things don`t start looking up for us.
I don`t want to end up alone either, although I may be miserable now, I`ll be hopeless alone.
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 im not going to read the rest of it to be quite honest not to be rude but really.. i would call of this wedding and tell the little princess to get lost because you deserve better not her shes putting guilt trips on you and having a temper tantrum omg can you say spoilt. you let her away with cheating so she now thinks shes free to walk all over you! i think you need to gain some self respect and not be what you call an errand boy you can do better than this also your young you have alot of life ahead and you want to spend it with her like this cheating tantrums and guilt trips i dont know what you call love but to me what you said she has said is very very far from it. you need to revuate your life . good luck hunnie
...............................
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (13 July 2010):
 I normally try to take an optimistic view on relationships, but based on your description, your fiancee has said some hurtful, arrogant, callous and even racist things. (Shall I assume that you are not 'white'?)
I suppose she has her side of the story which may be interesting to hear, but you do need to re-evaulate this relationship. At present it seems too unequal to sustain itself for too long.
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 July 2010):
 OMG, if someone told me they didn't care because they knew I wouldn't leave I would be out before their gums finished flapping. I kinda feel that she has been pulling an extended temper tantrum because you haven't forgiven her for her affair. No one deserves to be mocked and mistreated by anyone, and I think the price of putting the wedding off would be small compared to the price of losing your self-respect forever.
So yes, I suggest you sit her down and tell her you are calling the wedding off, and it will not be on again until you both have completed some premarital counseling. You are no one's errand boy and your fiance, if she is to become your wife, needs to get that through her head.
Good luck.
...............................
|
