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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: This may sound strange to some people, but I'm the type of person that does not like to cage someone's freedom or tell her what to do or what not to do. Instead, I prefer to let her choose what she wants to do and then accept the consequences as they happen. I rather be someone who can offer objectivity in the options before her, than someone who is biased, regardless of my personal feelings.However, speaking with my mom and various people, they have said that sometimes, she may actually want me to 'dictate' what she should or should not do, based on a generalized mentality that she may feel I want her to be mine, rather than be 'too' objective towards her. May I give an example?I told her about a past lover I had that wanted to accompany her single friend to a speed dating venue. My then-girlfriend asked me, "Would you be upset if I went?" My answer was, "Go for it. It's your choice."After hearing this story, my lover now asked, "How would she have known not to go if you don't tell her how you felt?" My answer was, "It should be common sensibility whether she 'should' or 'should not'. If she chooses to go, it means she is meeting her natural desire. If she chooses not to go, it could mean one of two things: 1) she has an emotional obligation and fears I may get upset or 2) she genuinely and naturally wouldn't even consider going.My question is: when my lover tells me that she wants me to influence her, does that mean I 'should' tell her how I feel or does that mean I 'should' tell her what to do? In other words, isn't me influencing her 'bad' because I am taking away her natural desire to want to do something regardless of who I am to her? Opinions/suggestions/advice: I am looking for your personal standpoint and experiences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou all give the similar perspective as my mom and the various friends I have talked with on this topic. It makes complete sense. I feel like a goof for not knowing this before.
Thank you for your suggestions and advice. I'll try to be more open with my feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): I agree with Zarathustra! She may feel that you just "don't give a sh*t!" You need to show some emotions regarding her coming and going so she knows you do care.
She WANTS your true opinion! She wants to know your boundaries! Be more open about your feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): honestly I admire you for even giving the option. I would prefer a man to have some control not total but actually care about what i do. example: Honey i am going out with my girlfriends to this club where there is male dancers. What would your response be.Its your choice. I would prefer a response like Honey I would rather you not go due to there being these dancers. Most likely i would say ok. I tell you what if your friend dont want you because you give options about things then i sure will take you. I have never been with anyone that gave options. you are a good man.I think having some input in what she does gives her that sense that you care and you love her.
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