A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't stop thinking about my ex-boyfriend of two years. He broke up with me almost a month ago, telling me that he did not love me anymore, absolutely breaking my heart -- a week later admitting that he had actually cheated on me while we were together, too. He was my first love; he also took my virginity (I realize now that this happened not too long after he had cheated on me, as well, something that eats deeply into my thoughts -- why do this when he is already doubting us?).Ever since the break-up he has been apathetic and nasty to me, almost treating me as if I'm not a person. Nothing like he used to treat me. I honestly cannot think of anything I did so extraordinarily wrong while we were together -- I'm not even close to perfect, of course, but we rarely argued, and I was very trusting, giving, and supportive...He still tells me he doesn't love me and wasn't ready for a serious relationship... I don't talk to him on a regular basis and have actually avoided talking to him for a while now, but I can't understand what happened. I still love him, and I don't want to. I miss him very much and I think about him and the girl he cheated on me with. I don't know why I do any of this considering the way he treats me now.I go out with my friends several times a week, I'm in college, I work part-time. But he is always, always in the back of my mind... I want to get over him. I want to stop thinking about him. I want to stop wishing he missed me. I'm sick of feeling so much pain and loneliness all the time. It's ridiculous, but I've even found myself shedding a few tears at work... How do I get over him?
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female
reader, spants +, writes (12 May 2009):
I’m so glad I found these posts put up by you all. I think that all the advice that was given is wonderful and extremely comforting. I am going through a hard time right now, and am relieved to know that there are others who go through the same pain and live through it. My ex and I have been broken up for two years (after dating for a year and a half,,,pretty pathetic, I know), and just this last week, I decided to cut all communications. We weren’t officially “boyfriend/girlfriend” since the breakup of 2007, but he has stayed in my life, and I have let him. He loves me for about five minutes, then ignores me for 30, and it’s a never ending cycle of me getting my hopes up and then having to go through the agony of rejection. He never cheated on me, which I am grateful for, but he had his own demons, including drug and video game addictions, selling drugs, and serious anti social behavior bordering on the sociopathic. I am not into drugs, am stable financially, own my house, consider myself attractive, bright, and have a good sense of humor. But he is my first love, and I found myself letting him back into my life, even after he would treat me like garbage. Even when this person treated me horribly, I still couldn’t NOT love him, which is why I think you are finding it hard to move on. Everyone tells me that time is the only thing that will heal a crushed heart, and that ceasing all contact will be the best thing in the long run, I still cry (yes, even at work, but I try to make it to the bathroom before the waterworks start). If I am not thinking about him one minute, I am thinking about him the next. Yesterday was his 30th bday, and it was EXTREMELY hard not to call/text/email him. There will be other hard days, but there will also be good days, and soon those will out weigh the bad. I wholeheartedly believe that both you and I will find that one special person meant just for us, who will treat us like we deserve to be treated. My heart and prayers are with you, and please keep me in yours.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the male perspective, Anonymous, but I have to disagree. That is not why I was with him. I truly loved him -- or, at the very least, who I thought he was. That was why I was with him. Additionally, I never said he's a bad person, but what he did to me, in the end, was very, very wrong. And that is what matters -- not whether or not he is a "bad person".
I have let him go in the sense that I have absolutely no hope that "we" will work out. I do not contact him anymore, and have not since before my last post here... I try to avoid him when I can, as, at this point, everything is still "sinking in" and it all hurts very, very much. I try not to ask about him anymore, seeing as last time I asked about him, I was informed that he is getting on with his life like nothing at all has changed for him. That hurt very much, too. I've realized I've never impacted him in any significant way, which astounds me... What a good liar he was... I do not love him anymore.
Anyway, thanks for the advice...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): I'm a guy kind of in the same situation but I broke it off with my ex. What he doesn't want to tell you is that he's probably feeling guilty about cheating and is trying to cover the pain by painting a bad picture of you. Mostly people cheat because the relationship they are in has lost whatever they were trying to get out of it. If it was a sexual relationship you were having then that presents problems. If you weren't married to him he has nothing that keeps him from finding Mrs. Wonderful. Really he's just looking for a new thrill and when that wears off he'll do it again. This doesn't mean he's bad. People become focused on getting their needs met when Love is all about meeting someone else's needs (to some extent, no one is perfect). You do not have to have this guy in your life to make you feel good about you or give you a reason for life. You are going to have to let him go. He made the decision to leave and there's nothing you can do about that. He'll come to his senses when he's looking for someone else to prey on. Women are just as bad because you allow these things to happen to you thinking that he will make you feel good about yourself and help you fit in with people who are couples or something like that. I know it hurts. Realize mistakes were made on both sides of the relationship and stop pointing fingers as it does no good. May be try to talk to him if you can without getting hysterical and reason some of this out. You can do it. Love and peace.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjezebel, Irish, and holdingon, thank you kindly for your thoughtful responses...I know one month isn't very long to grieve, and others have had similarly (or far more) devastating experiences... The pain is just very hard and exhaustive right now. :(Irish, it's true that I did contact him a lot in the beginning (the first week or so). I have avoided talking to him since, and have succeeded except in one recent attempt. :( I realize it's fruitless now and only agitates the wound, causing me to relive all the pain -- and then some... because each time I've realized even more that he does not even miss me.I'm not someone who really cares to date around or "see what's out there." I thought my boyfriend felt the same way. We talked about our future quite a lot... and not too long before he broke up with me, he told a very close friend of mine that he was absolutely sure he was going to marry me. I was expecting him to propose soon, if anything, but not break up with me...Thank you for the link; I've read over it twice already and bookmarked it. I know I'm still young and other good and undeserving people have been through much worse... I feel almost guilty feeling so much pain. But the pain is quite sincerely so bad that sometimes I can feel it constricting my chest...holdingon, it really is comforting -- though I'm deeply, deeply sorry that you had to go through a similar experience... It's terrible. I know what you mean about feeling as though you won't get there. I feel like when he left, he took my hopes and dreams and visions of the future with him.I truly appreciate the responses... Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): what scares me about your post is that as i was reading it, i almost thought it was me talking. im in the EXACT same situation as you are with an exception to the cheating. We were together for 2 years, he broke up with me out of the blue, told me he didnt love me anymore. he was my first love, took my virginity. after we broke up he was horrible to me, til he kissed another girl and realized he still loved me. he came back only to leave again. he was my best friend, my soul mate, and i still cant help but love him and miss him and hope and pray that he still misses me too. I can honestly tell you, i understand the pain you are in (although i sympathize for the cheating)and ill tell you what everyone has told me. you are not going to get over him overnight, it may take months or even years depending on how you heal. and unfortunately, i think you will always have a soft spot for him because he was your first love. but what you can do now, is occupy your time as best as you can. spend time with friends, workout, do whatever it takes to slowly get you feeling happy again. and dont be so frustrated if it takes time, theres no magic pill to get over it. you just have to tell yourself that someday you WILL be happy again. distancing yourself from him is good, you need to have a clean slate to start over. Ive learned that its okay to still cry over him. It has been 2 months since i cut contact and i still cry everynight. as sad as that is, at least i am grieving and im not so numb anymore. its good to allow yourself to just feel all the emotions that you need to. Ive even started talking to someone about my issues, im trying so hard to focus on college right now, to get through right now and come out of this strong. and sometimes i feel like i wont get there, and when i start to doubt myself i call my best friend and she tells me its going to be alright, and i make it through the day. its not going to be easy. its going to be really hard but you just have to stay positive and focus on getting yourself feeling better. surround yourself with a good support system and take life as it comes. as cliche as it is, time really is the best healer. if you want to talk please feel free to message me, its always comforting to know you aren't alone in feeling like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): Well, for starters, as Jezebel points out, you are in fact, still grieving and that's something you will work out in time. You have to remember, it's been just ONE month since the break up of a very special, very long term relationship.
But what I find hard is I am trying to understand 'why' this guy is treating you so badly, post-breakup? He sounds almost frustrated/angry and it's like he's trying hard to make you angry enough, that you might just give up and ...move on? While I feel his behaviour is completely wrong and disrespectful to you, I'm wondering if you are in contact with him more than you let on in your posting and more than he wants you to be? If this is the case, then maybe you need to do what he wants and that is....stop all contact with him...today. If he feels it necessary to be this cruel, then hun, his behavior is not that of a man who respected you, either.
You sound like a lovely, nice person, who is still in the 'denial' phase of losing someone. I am sorry, I know it's painful. And that's okay. We should all be allowed the understanding and patience with ourselves to grieve the loss of someone we loved. But, you need strength and you need to gain some control over these feelings. And it will come in time. You cannot rush this process. Eventually, you will take all this sadness, this sorrow and turn it into 'righteous' anger. You do have the right to be angry with the way he's treated you, which was very, very disrepectfully. Once you work through the indignation, the pain, the anger, you will come to a point where you have healed enough to gain 'acceptance'. You just aren't there yet. You are still in that 'pained' mode. you are trying hard to recover...you will get there. Be good to yourself. I want you to read the following article. It is a very good thing to read about recovery and moving on. Please try hard to read it all:
http://www.asktheinternettherapist.com/counselingarchive-end-of-a-relationship.asp
Don't give up..you are in a process. Again my heart is with you at this time. You are suffering a loss. Be good to yourself and this hurt will end. But please the only way you can do this, is to completely lose contact from him. Cry, yell, shout, get mad...but work this through. It will ease up. Please come here to give us updates on your process. I think it will help you to vent more and get your feelings of sorrow out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): All the things you are feeling right now are perfectly natural. I always say, a break up is a greif process. You have to go through several steps or phases to be able to move on and dependng on how much in love you were, it might take some time. I advise you to keep as active as possible. Go out with the girls. Dress yourself up and feel good about yourself. Also it always helped me to write my feelings down in a journal. That way you can sort of purge and reflect and it makes a great sounding board. You can get through this! I wish you the best and if you ever need to talk you can always PM me.
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