Serious relationship problems, he's not affectionate, not caring, we are dirfting apart, can you help?

A female age 36-40, *amela H. writes:

I need help with my relationship with my husband. We're drifting apart and I feel like I'm getting more and more depressed in life. We were going good in the beginning and sex was good and almost everyday. Then when we got married sex stopped and it might occur once a month now. He compliments are every girl that seems to walk by which usually means that you're not satisfied with what you have at home. He seems to make fun of some people's physical appearence as well and yet I have those flaws as well but he doesn't tell me. Right after we got married he had a secret cruch on a girl at his work. We don't do anything together much anymore and when we do go out he always says after that he could have mowed the lawn or worked on this or that. And it makes me feel bad we even did anything. Or if we go out to dinner or bowling which isn't often,maybe anniversary, he stares at other girls or watches what's on their tv like the news or a baseball/football game. He's not into me. I can talk and he's so interested in something else that he won't hear me. So I'll have to ask more than once. That's another thing though too, he used to listen to me and now all he does is rush me and now I stutter alittle cause I'm scared to be slow. He didn't say happy birthday to me or get me anything or do anything for it. I am alittle tight with the money cause he doesn't care to go into debt and I don't want to go down too. I make sure we're above water. When he has money he's like a kid in a candy store. He wants and wants. I try to keep the house clean for him but it's hard to keep up with him cause he's so dirty. He expects me to walk behind him cleaning up all his messes. He's not affectionet, he doesn't appriciate anything I do for him but he notices what I don't do. I'm not a sexual person compaired to lots of other people. I don't kiss him all over his body.I don't give him bjs. I'm not into that. I've tried things like that in the past but it makes me really uncomfortable. Plus he works all night and works on things in the yard and seems to not take a shower for days on end and I don't think I would like to kiss nasties. I do his laundry all the time and I rarely saw underware and socks and I thought that was gross that he's that lazy in that way that he can't real quick change them. So at one point I told him I'm not doing your laundry until you change your underware and socks. Eventually he did but not all the time anymore. I have alot more to say but I've said alot. I thought I could fix me and his relationship by writing down pros and cons of eachother but with him forgetting why we're doing that he took my cons personal cause I had way more cons then pros so we never finished that to work on the cons. But really I have way more cons than I do pros and it's hard to change it. I dont think it's possible to fix things without his effort. I don't think he has the word EFFORT and THINK and LISTEN and CARING in his vocab or brain. And I wish he did. He had it before marriage why not after?

View related questions: anniversary, debt, depressed, money

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009):

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