A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been separated from my husband for over 2 years now though its years more that our marriage was over because of his infidelity (he gave me an std) I was severely depressed and tried to make it work but couldn't and it took a long time, years, before i was brave enough to make him leave but i am still living in fear of reprisals from him if he finds out i have met someone. I have been seeing someone who i adore for 15 months now (but do know him 35 years as school pal and aquaintance) and only my closest friend and brother know about him. This man makes me so happy, he is divorce with two grown up children, we just love being together although its only once or twice a week. I am always worrying about how my husband and children will react if they find out. My children are 16 and 18 year old boys who live at home and 23 and 24 year old boys at Uni. I constantly worry about my home, losing it if i divorce? what will they think of my friend and if they will get on? What my husband will do? He still has a key to the house and i know he lets himself in when i am at work and goes through my letters and things, i have asked him to give me the key back but he says "you can buy it off me" though the house is in my name and i am paying the mortgage alone since he has been gone. Do the courts make you give up half the house when you have paid most of the mortgage yourself? He has gave me £60 a week for the last two years towards the upkeep of the youngest two boys still at school. My friend is showing signs that he wants more now, he said he wants to meet my children so it is open about us as it is holding us back. I would love to be with him properly but am always, always worrying about consequences, My husband flipping with jealousy! (he's always leaving notes with the maintenance money saying he still loves me) and i worry my boys might get jealous! Sorry if this sounded all dragged out haaaa so difficult trying to get all the frustration out, all ideas would be so appreciated, thankyou xxxxxxx
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at work, depressed, divorce, infidelity, jealous, money, std Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 My first suggestion is that you change the lock to your home. That's certainly within your means, and he can't do nothing about it.
My second suggestion is to think about yourself, too. Your grown-up boys are away, living their own lives, and your other children will do that in a short time, too. What are you going to do? And, even if they were to stay at home forever, you still have a right to a fulfilling life. You can't be just "mommy, self-denying, hard-working, housekeeper and sexless". I understand that you're worried about what your children will think about that, but you can't put them first forever.
I think you should divorce right away. This situation is very damaging for everybody, including the psychojealous soon-to-be ex-husband.
As to the rest of your post, I am sad to say I can't help you. The money he gives for alimony sounds like very little, however; it wouldn't be enough where I live. As to having to give him half of the home even if you've paid most of the mortgage, I don't know. I guess that would depend on how the divorce is handled.
If the mortgage were to become very heavy for you, and the property is shared, why don't you just let them foreclose the home, and find another home to live, elsewhere, where you will be the sole payer and also the sole owner? It might sound like a crazy idea, but maybe it's not.
Ah, one last thing: after you change the locks, tell him he can keep his old key and try to sell it to someone else. I understand recycling companies can give you a few pennies.
:-)
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