A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am in my late thirties and have never really had a proper girlfriend or an intimate relationship. I've been on dates and had a series of short relationships, which never went beyond going out together on dates and kissing. The reason is that my job consumes all of my time (I tend to be in the office until very late at night and sometimes have to work weekends), which has given me little time to have a proper girlfriend.In the past year I have had more time for myself and have recently met two lovely women at the same time through an online dating site. I'll call them A and B. I've been out with A three times and we had prior to that chatted over the internet and got to know each other well. A is very attracted to me and likes to get intimate (passionate kissing). She recently invited me over to her place and we had a good time but stopped short of having sex. I really like her, although she is overweight and I have never been attracted to that. However, she has a lovely personality, is interested in me and does care about me. As to B, I have also met her three times so far. She is very lovely, well-educated, well-travelled and elegant. In short, we are compatible and she would make the ideal partner/wife for me. However, she has not shown how keen or interested she is in me and she is also not always available to go out or meet that easily, given that she is studying for a further degree and is socially active.Here are the issues:1 - I am attracted to A, but cannot go ahead and have sex with her (she said she wants to), because it would go against my religious beliefs of not having sex before marriage. I am therefore concerned that she may not want to see me again if I refused to have sex with her now. How do I explain this to her without risking losing her?2 - I am torn between choosing between the two, but feel that B would make my ideal partner. However, B is not showing her interest, yet. On the other hand, B has made her feelings very clear, yet the overweight issue is still in the back of my head. This overwheight issue can be dealt with through a simple diet. It's not the end of the world. What are your views?If you need me to clarify more, let me know. I appreciate that writing this, I am not putting myself in your shoes and hence, you may need some more information.I look forward to your reply(ies).
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kissing, overweight, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): How like a guy to like the one he isn't sure he can get! Maybe B realises you are seeing others and is waiting till she finds a guy who is sure of what he wants. The only way you can check whether she is interested though, is to ask her. Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves and others don't.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Thank you all for your kind and candid replies. To anonymous writer, who answered at the start, in reply to your question: I think you've done the right thing by trying to stay away. I suggest you keep your space and let the guy you've been dating decide which one he wants to be with. It would not be fair on either of you if he kept dating both of you, especially that you both know about each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): As a 'curvy' girl myself I can say do not expect her to lose weight just to be with you. If you're not attracted to her then leave her alone and let her get on with her own life. It sounds to me like you're not in a great position with either of these women. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Just keep looking.
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A
female
reader, jessica04  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Honestly, if the one you really want doesn't have those feelings back, then don't do A any favors by settling for her.
Stop seeing both, and start fresh.
If you do want to continue pursuing a relationship with one or the other, then I suggest you be up front with B and let her know that you fancy her quite a bit. Maybe she is just trying to keep herself in check to not come across as too desperate or something.
For A, just explain to her how you feel about sex before marriage. If it is really an issue for her, then she can decide whether she wants to stick around or not. Also, if her weight is really an issue that you can't get past, then you owe it to her to break things off. There are plenty of guys out there who do enjoy a curvy gal, and if she has such a winning personality, she would probably find one pretty fast.
Just make sure you don't waste anyone's time, including your own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): Lady A: Are you an active person? Do you eat healthy and exercise regularly and keep good shape? If not, then you should start if you expect her too. Unless she decides, all on her own, that she wants to lose weight and is self motivated... All you need to do about the religious thing is tell her and if she really cares about you she will hold out and respect your wishes. The worst that could happen is she gets up and walks out and then you know she wasn't the one and it makes it that more easy. Your concerned for losing her, so that kind of says something there. Lady B: You have only had three dates with her, she may not be the type of woman to lose herself over someone in three dates...give it time. If she doesn't like you then she won't go on a fourth date with you. And also you say she is the ideal person for you. You said she is well traveled, educated, elegant...well you can be well traveled, elegant, and educated and still be a selfish b*tch that would only make your life horrible, so don't go by that alone. Which one do you respect more? Which one do you feel happiest with? You probably just need more time with both. As long as your not making any commitment and keeping it PG, then dating both at the same time is not bad till you figure out which one, if either, you want to take it to the next step with. Atleast that's my opinion. There is no rush if your keeping it simple. You need to get to know these individuals more. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, didda123 +, writes (25 March 2009):
 I think you should maybe forget about A and B and start again.
The weight issue you have with A is not her problem but yours, you like her in all other ways but this weight issue is a problem for you and who is to say a simple diet will solve the problem and how are you going to broach that subject, not a great start to a relationship and not great for her self-esteem when you eventually do point it out to her.
From what you have said i think B is probably the better choice and maybe a little more time will bring some of those feelings you are waiting for out. She maybe is a little more reserved and needs time.
One thing i have never heard you mention is love, i know it is early days but do you have any strong feelings for either of these girls? You seem to have a very businesslike attitude regarding your relationships and it seems to me you are looking at things as if you were buying a new car weighing one up against the other!
I think the sex before marriage is the least of your concerns with A and B but when you eventually find someone who is everything you have dreamed of maybe A plus a bit of B is an better option, someone who combines the two, i would suggest that you bring the conversation around to your religious beliefs quite early in the relationship as some people wish to preserve this until marriage but some just don't and want a test drive so to speak so it is only fair you mention it in my opinion early, as i think it may cause problems if you both become too involved with each other and you are both expecting different things from the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): hello...i feel you should follow your heart...A is passionate, but you seem to have an issue with her weight. A also seems to be more interested in you than B. B may be playing hard to get or just busy with everyday activity.
from personal experience you make time for what you want to make time for. i personally work full-time and am pursuing my graduate degree full-time, i still make time for the man I want. so i guess what i'm trying to say is from what you've wrote it seems as though you are more compatible with B. is this true? if so, you need to keep it the way it is and be single to date both A and B.
if A can't respect your sexual values then she definitely is not the one. most women would love if a man waited until marriage. so if A can't self control herself, she's definitely not the one.
hope this helps
i have a question for you...im in the same situation except I'm B and the guy i've been dating for nearly a year is 40 and been with A for 10yrs...she knows about us for about a month now and they're still together but he or I have made much effort to leave each other alone. i think he has the same dilema as you, but he's more selfish and wants to keep us both obviously. he's said several times that he loves A but he's not in love with A and he's not happy with the relationship, but has yet to leave. what do you think of this relationship.
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