A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you maintain the spark in a LDR? I mean...if you don't get to meet often...how long can you survive and overcome the physical longing and loneliness?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow...thanks a lot everyone...it gave me a lot of matter to ponder upon...i have been in a LDR for around a year...but its been very tough...i miss him so much and even though we chat on a regular basis...its difficult!
Whenever i see a couple holding hands i feel this pang of loneliness and the longing gets even worse...we met just 4 times last year...and that too for 2-3 days...its not enough.
We do have plans to get married but that's such a long way off as both of us are building our careers...sometimes it just feels so hopeless...but after reading your answers i feel much better.:)
A
male
reader, Johnny2301  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Long distance relationships are not as bad as people make them out to be. Of course, all of us would rather be with our significant other at all times, but that is not always an option. But when you are at a point in your life when you are in school, a long distance relationship is actually quite nice. I suspect balancing a relationship with someone very close with school and work can actually be more difficult than balancing all that with a long distance relationship. Although long distance relationships will undoubtedly require personal visits, you will certainly be visiting your significant other less than you would otherwise.
I have been involved in a long distance relationship for nearly six years. The reason for this is due to higher education. After graduating college I have continued on to graduate school for another three years. I think there are a number of reasons that we have been able to retain a very strong relationship. First, communicate on a daily basis. This is something that I would encourage the two of you to do. In fact, make it at the same time every day so both of you know when you will be talking. Communication is absolutely key--don't expect anything to go far without it. Second, continue to do something in common on an individual basis. For example, watch the same television show so you can talk about it with each other. Third, write LETTERS to each other. Letters are personalized and show more thought. Of course, you can supplement them with daily emails as well. Fourth, maintain trust in each other. Trust is imperative in long distance relationships. You cannot always be suspicious or the relationship simply will not survive. Fifth, visit each other as much as you can. Make certain that you take turns visiting each other or at least split the cost. If you are in school money can be tight, so make sure costs are split if necessary.
Now, I also agree with what TimmD said--there must be plans to eventually be with each other. You should not look at the long distance relationship as something that will always be in existence, but as a temporary thing. So make sure the two of you talk about your future together and what your expectations are. Is this a relationship the two of you will be willing to take to the ultimate level (i.e., marriage)?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): I dont personally believe that an LDR will work, unless at some point you move together. Of course it's hard to get to that stage because with the long time between meeting feelings can die and it feels like you start somewhere earlier than you left of with that person.
I hope you prove me wrong and that LDRs can work. When I was in one it was just far too lonely and it made me feel totally lost.
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A
female
reader, QueenP227 +, writes (2 December 2010):
 I want to have the faith to say that it can work. I have a love, who is in another country. We've been friends for almost 1 year (December 4th) and I will be traveling from the USA to Nigeria in April 2011. There are so many things to consider, as it relates to distance & it pains me to think that it wouldn't work. Although the answers are valid ones, I perhaps just don't want to say that it couldn't. (perhaps I am un-realistic, but I would like to have hope & offer you hope.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): I am in an LDR and have been for almost 3 years. We avg. seeing each other every 3 months, even if its only a weekend thing. Were in different countries but luckily the airflight isnt that pricy or long.I found that with an LDR its exactly the same as any relationship. Communication, trust, openess, having fun together. There are many things that you can do in an LDR just like everyone else. It may be online, or the phone, but you can stay in touch daily if youre one of the lucky ones and in a fairly close time zone.The thing though, about an LDR is that both of you have to understand that one day it will end. One day you will be able to be together and that you are both working towards that. There has to be hope.We keep the spark by playing WoW everynight, we have webcams set up and are able to cook dinner together, and I have a great long distance plan ( unlimited minutes 1 flat fee ) so we are able to fall asleep on the phone together everynight. We play on pogo.com and play battleship or gang up on other players and play spades. We set up the skype and watch movies together.The only thing missing is the pysical touching, and yes it can be hard, but you just have to talk to your partner, and get through it together. Im glad to say though that as of next year we will no longer be LDR as I have recently been approved by his government to immigrate to him.:)Thats another way to keep the hope going, we have the light at the end of our very long tunnel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): My sweetheart and i havent met.It came very close but we lost it. Its nice to be on the phone or some thing that lets us talk to each other. I'll sketch a rose or write something meaningful for him too.:)We've known each other for several years and only have been together for 4 months.But i think depending on how strong the relationship is and the bond between the two is what helps it survive :) I do admit it is very hard to say im never lonely, i am.Though im never alone, i just know i miss my boyfriend 24/7 lolIve had falling outs with others before and it is difficult but everything has its purposes and everyone has thery're reasons. They couldnt feel the love thats there or just couldnt handle the distance or maybe even some one had been caught in a lie or a few several lies and they just couldnt get over it.Or one had found another person to love...I did and i love him so.xoxo
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (2 December 2010):
 This is going to sound sarcastic or like I'm not trying to be serious here, but believe me I am. The only way a long distance relationship will work is if it is no longer long distance. Relationships require BOTH a physical connection and an emotional connection. Just as a relationship with a person can't survive without an emotional bond, as long distance one cannot survive very long without the physical.
So, the answer to your question is an obvious one. You two need to be together, physically. If that is not possible right away, then you need to make definite plans. Not plans that include the word "someday", but an actual date or time for you two to look forward to and make happen. Also, seeing each other once every couple months isn't good enough. I'm sorry, but it's true. That will only last so long, then it won't be enough. You two need to find a way to plan to be together permanently.
I speak from experience with this. My relationship started out long distance. After about a year we knew the only way it would work is if one person moved. We did that and we are now married. But there was no possible way we were going to make it work if we were still away from each other.
I must add, if you are talking about a relationship with a person who is in the military, then that is an entirely different situation altogether than your standard "LDR".
Make plans to be together permanently. Realistic, permanent plans. But be warned, a long distance relationship is stressful and is far from easy. The fact that you want to be with each other but cannot creates frustration and then blame can occur for not being together. When things go too long you take the chance of meeting someone which brings about jealousy.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 December 2010):
 LDRs like Dirtball said aren't for everyone. That's why a lot of them don't work because people think they're easy when they're really not.
Trust and communication with a little travel is necessary to keep the fire ignited. You keep up that spark every time you see each other, which isn't often, but it reminds you that this is all well worth it. Travel is imperative..it's polite to split the cost of airfare or to split the cost of gas $ when one comes to visit. Make the most of every minute you have together..keep up communication daily, perhaps phone sex does it for you, or to get your sexual fix when you two are able to see each other.
It depends on the individual, the minute you start feeling like you can't handle the distance anymore or when one cheats is when the relationship is over. Most people have a problem with occupying their time wisely, distracting themselves from missing their boyfriend/girlfriend. You spend time with your friends, family, take on extra hours in school or work, take up hobbies you have always wanted to try, etc. Also, save money for your next trip to see your significant other. There will always be that longing because you don't get to see him/her often, and the loneliness but after a while you learn to ignore that.
Basically, when you start to doubt yourself, cheat, have trust issues in him, then the relationship is done then you weren't a good candidate for a LDR. Take it as lesson learned and steer away from them.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Most people can't do it. Only through regular visits can an LDR have any hope of survival.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thoughts-on-technology-and-long-distance-relationships.html
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