A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married 13 years. We have an 8 yr old daughter and an 11 yr old son. In 2002 when my daughter was 4 months old, my husband made the decision to have a vasectomy without talking to me about it. I found out because he put his antibiotics and pain medicine and our medicine cabinet. I asked him why was he was taking antibiotics and he told me that he had a vasectomy. Needless to say I was shocked and hurt more than you can know. I decided not to divorce him even though I hated what he did, I still loved him. We still fight about this often. He becomes very angry if I bring it up. When we were dating we talked about having at least 3 children. Several years ago my husband promised me that he would have the vasectomy reversed, but now he wont do it. I had become to accept that I wasnt going to have any more children unless God provided a miracle. Recently I was several days past due for my period. So I took a pregnancy test and hoped I was pregnant, but it was negative. I became depressed and my husband noticed so I told him what was wrong with me. So we got into another horrible fight. I don't know what to do, I don't feel there is anything I can do. I don't think my husband will change, and I wish I didn't have the yearning for another child. I don't let myself look at babies because it makes me tear up. How do I move on and can I ever forgive my husband?
View related questions:
depressed, divorce, move on, period, pregnancy test Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, rosey3564 +, writes (10 March 2011):
Hey I hear all you ladies , I was 23 when I first met my fiance , we worked in the same field , then three years after knowing each other we starting dating , we lived together for 3 yrs , got engaged, I purchased a home and relocated so he could be near his 2 children from a prior marraige. He knew I wanted children and has no problem with it until my son was born a year ago. The first yr is the hardest being a mom adjusting to wife role and mommy role. I couldn't have a baby for many yrs and saw fertility Dr's , I really never thought I was going to ever be a mom. Now that I have my son , he is my life , my world. I love being a mommy. I told him I always wanted 2 kids one boy and one girl. We never really talked about how many kids we would have , and I never thought it would ever become an issue. Now that I know it is possible for me to have a baby and see how much I love being a mommy , I would love to try for one more. I found out 3 months ago christmas day he had a vasectomy , we were foolong around and immediately I felt a pin hole down there , felt like scar tissue , and his testicles were sooo swollen , I knew right away , and I asked him , he cont. to lye to me and said I was crazy. So I needed the truth , I looked up his GHI info and found that when I was visiting my parents for my bday , he went behind my back to the uroligist 2 times. I was devastated , I cried and mourned , I felt like someone died. Since then , he has promised me several times that he would consider the reversal , but then changes his mind every time I bring it up. He is 45 , and divorced with 2 kids 10 and 14. So in his mind 3 is enough for him . Just wish he didn't wait until after my son was born to decide this. Now I have a one yr old and I am not sure if we are going to make it , If he could lie and do this behind me , than it makes me wonder what else he is capable of. We are going for counseling , The more I know I can't have one the more I desire one. There was so many other options , I just wish he didn't do what was so permanent so fast. I feel like he decided my future for me and was selfish , sneaky , I am not sure iif I can even trust him. We were going to get married but now I am not sure that I even want to anymore. Such a betrail. I really don't think he thought I was going to find out so fast. He would have probaby blamed it on my fertility problems if I couldn't concieve later on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2010): I thought for the past 2 years that no one would understand how I felt about my husband having a vasectomy, but kinda of relieved I am not the only one. When me and my husband were dating neither one of us wanted to have children and we thought we were being careful I was on birth control and contraceptives, but through God's will I got pregnant. Today my son is 6 years old and I love him with all my heart, but I wanted to try for a little girl when my son was almost 2 years old, my husband was still persistent on no more children. But he said he would see if he changed his mind, we went through a rough spell in our marriage during the time my husband had to have hernia surgery, and I didnt know until the day he was getting surgery that he also told the doctor he wanted a vasectomy. I was livid when I found out I cried and cried and refused to go to the hospital for his surgery, until I felt bad enough and went hoping he would be OK. I try not to think about it but occasionally I think about and he knows and gets upset when I bring it up, but I love my husband and want another child so bad, and my husband tells me I am not preventing you from having more children just me. But he doesnt understand he took that away from me, and he says you will ruin teh family you have over a child you dont have. It breaks my heart when I see babies cause I want them. But then I feel lucky I have at least one, because so many people have none, and would be grateful with one. I hate living with this anger inside wishing I could have another child. But I guess it's true if it is God's will it will happen no matter what!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): I totally sympathise - in fact i'm going through the same thing only thing is i don't have any children and neither does he but he still had it done age 28 - and he booked it and lied to me for months and only told me after he had the operation. I imediately kicked him out and then went through a week of trying to decide whether the marriage was worth it - and i decided it was and that i would give him a chance... the thing is until your husband admits is was selfish, hurtful and that lying to you was the worse thing to do - you can't move on.
If he doesn't accept that lying to keep the peace in your marriage was a bad idea then of course you can't trust him that he won't fool you again. When the going gets tough in a relationship you need to communicate - if he can't do that then how can you call that a marriage? That's the question that's made me realise why i can not forgive him - if he sees it as there's nothing to forgive then you can't be sure he won't devastate you in some other way further down your marriage.
At least you already have a family and have gone through pregnancy - I'll never have that if i stay with my husband...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): I am going through exactly what you are..My husband got a vasectomy 8 months ago because he was mad at me for becoming atheist...He didn't want more children with a "heathen"..I am still trying to move on. I can't look at babies, i have become so depressed because he knew i wanted more children, and to blackmail me and tell me it's my fault that i can't have another child is so wrong on sooo many levels. I really don't have any advice for you because i know how hard it is to choose between your husband and your dreams...Just know that you are not alone..((((((hugs)))))
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Vasectomies can be reversed:
Under 3 years: 97% Sperm Return & 76% Pregnancy Rate
3-8 years: 88% Sperm Return & 53% Pregnancy Rate
9-14 years: 79%Sperm Return & 44% Pregnancy Rate
Greater than 15 years: 71% Sperm Return & 30% Pregnancy Rate
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): im so sorry thats terrible ..But yes you have to forgive [thats what the book says] why would he do that behind your back what else is he doing behind your back, hes sneaky....the only reason to get a vasectomy is to not not have kids right so is he sleeping with someone else and not wanting to knock them up why would he do that whats his motive? why didnt he freeze some sperm or talk to you about this this is huge its life changing where's the communication.this is a huge problem in your relationship i dont know how to move on from this.but if its in the lords hands for you to have another baby then you will.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cowboy255 +, writes (27 February 2010):
Hey maybe he just doesn't want another kid and think about it yeah he didn't tell you and maybe he should have but isn't a boy and a daughter good enough really in the long run once the kids grow up you will have more time to enjoy yourselves. ease back on the subject it might not be what he wants anymore you know.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): You've been busting your husbands chops for the past 8 years now for not telling you he had a vasectomy?? Are you kidding me, I can't believe he hasn't left you after 8 years of bringing it up.It's clear he didn't want anymore children hence the vasectomy, why be so selfish and try to force such a thing onto the person who gave you 2 children? Some people are unable to have no children and you had 2, be thankful for that. Seriously, if a woman busted my balls for something that happened 8 years ago, something I did to MY OWN body, I would...well it would never happen because I would have left long before 8 years passed. You have 2 children, spend your enegy and focus on them. Life goes by fast, they will be giving you grandchildren before you know it. And apologize to your husband for guilting him these past 8 years.
...............................
|
