A
female
age
30-35,
*ysterium
writes:Hey all,I've always had flings/relationships with people who I don't think are good enough for me. I feel like I'm the one who settles all the time. Except for this one guy, with whom my chemistry was just incredible...we were SO attracted to each other physically and otherwise too... But then he moved out of the country. I actually fell in love with him, and I think I'm not entirely over him yet...its been 4 years. He's well over me and has moved on. And that's the right thing to do I guess. I haven't dated since. I just haven't come across a guy who I like...I mean I know I won't get a tailor made person, but I haven't met someone whose flaws I don't mind overlooking. Anyway, so my issue or stupidity is that I always worry that I won't end up with the right guy. I find the guys who hit on me now just so borriiiing. And I'm scared I'll cave into a relationship because of lack of choice of any actual good guys. I really don't mean to sound arrogant or anything. Its just that I don't click with any of the guys who hit on me. I am very very sad. I haven't dated anyone for 4 years now (which included college, IMAGINE!). And I feel pathetic. I don't know how long can this charade go on.Help! Thanks in advance :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2012):
 No one is perfect. NO ONE… and when you put someone on a pedestal and they can’t topple off because you have no contact with them any longer, then you are stuck with that image of them. I agree you need to get past Mr. Perfect and Wonderful before you can meet someone new…
Get out… kiss a few frogs… you need to weed through the chaff to get the wheat.. In other words, DATING is not about a relationship.. DATING is about finding someone to HAVE a relationship with.
So let the guys who hit on you have a chance. A couple of dates… NO SEX… One day you’ll meet your prince…
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): "but I haven't met someone whose flaws I don't mind overlooking"
What type of flaws are you talking about? Because honestly I don't know how you can judge whether a guy has qualities that make those flaws insignificant when you don't even get to know them.
OP chemistry can build, if you're waiting for the same thing to happen as happened with this other guy then you're denying yourself the chance of letting that build with a 'slow burner'.
Honesty is right, I think you're waiting and comparing what's happening with these other guys as to what happened with him. You want to be swept up in a blaze of passion in the same way. Well OP 4 years and that hasn't happened, 4 years and your method of dating and your expectations have left you alone.
OP is this how you approach everything in life? The first way doesn't work and won't work so you just keep trying that stubbornly because you don't think you should compromise?
The best long term relationships I've ever had were the slow burning type. The blazers usually die out quickly but only an idiot would think that's what they should wait for. That's like saying you want pizza for dinner but you can't buy one until next week, so instead of trying other foods and eating you starve yourself because lasagne isn't pizza and even though you've never had lasagne you just can't fathom how it can even remotely be as good. It doesn't even have a dough base, how can you look past the fact it doesn't have a nice doughy crust? You can't so it's better to starve instead. Well you know what? Lasagne is delicious and if you actually cooked some and sat down and ate it, you may be pleasantly surprized, who knows you may even love it more than pizza.
So your choice is an easy one OP, either stay picky, stick to your overly strict set of conditions and stay there hungry or you can throw away your expectations give guys a chance to show you who they really are and if nothing lights up inside you so be it. At least you'll be out there open to letting guys prove themselves to you.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I think you hold this guy in much more esteem than he deserves. He does not feel the same for you. Yeah he may have seeeemed wonderful at the time, but people change. No one is a perfect match for anyone. Good relationships happen only because 2 people choose to make it happen by intending for it to work, and by working hard to have a good relationship with another person. It is not happening with these other guys because you are expecting the impossible, for a perfect man to walk into your life and sweep you off your feet, while at the same time you are resisting any interest in any of the men you meet because you still hold this 1 man as your ideal. No one will match up to that ideal, because no one is the man you hold in your mind as "the one", not even that man you were with 4 years ago. He no longer exists. He has changed and moved on. You have to grieve for that relationship and that time in your life and let it go. That is the only way you can focus on having a good time and good relationships with other people now and in the future. Do yourself a favor and live in the present. Relationships are not always magical, wonderful and men are human, like you, they are not always going to be fascinating, charming, witty and immensely attractive all the time. You have bad days, right? So do they. Love men for the complex humans that they are, and have fun :) xx
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I think you need to get this other guy out of your head. Yes you fell in love with him and it never worked out, but I think you are still holding out hope for him to return to be with you that you are not giving any other guy a chance. Just give them a chance, it does not mean you need to commit to them just go out and enjoy yourself and get to know the guys that are asking you out, let yourself get to know other guys, you might be surprised that over time you might actually fall for one of them.
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