A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 25 year old female who only has had a few kisses and that has never had a boyfriend. It is becoming more and more terrifying to face loneliness and I'm really scared that I will end up my life alone without being able to form a family. I have given lots of explanations to it but I still don't find the proper answer to this situation. I know for a fact that I'm a very shy girl and that I don't have an important social life other with some close friends. Is there anything I should do in order to make this a bit easier to deal with? I don't want to become a completely different person just to get a boyfriend, but I'm so worried about the way things are that I can no longer understand.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 May 2008):
 As always, there is a standard bit of advice for meeting people.
Go and find something you enjoy doing that involves other people. When you are doing something you enjoy with others it becomes easy to break the ice by just talking about your mutual hobby. Don't forget, you ain't the only shy person. Even just talking shop is a way to get started. "Pass me the X" is a wonderful simple opener.
It ain't just about meeting men, if you make friends with women you will become more comfortable around humans and they might well introduce you to men indirectly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2008): It may sound like a cliche, but happy people are attractive people. But it's true-- somebody who just does what they like to do in life, is just a love magnet because people want to be a part of that kind of confidence. This woman has so much enthusiasm for what she loves to do-- wonder what it would be like to be loved by her? And don't be ashamed of what you like... so you'd rather spend a weekend doing accounts than deep sea diving? There will be a man out there somewhere who shares your love of numbers or at least admires it!
So in my experience, I'd say that your best bet is to do what you like in life, and try to be happy without romance, FIRST. At the same time, try to expand your social circle by making a change. If you're shy (let's say rather than "shy", slow to warm up) or a homebody, this may seem hard... but there are still ways to get around it. For instance, if you like cooking-- try a cooking class; or join an online forum of gourmets. Just take what you like to do and go a little deeper into it, in a social setting.
Make goals of speaking to one new person every day or week-- Saturdays, for instance. Try just meeting new women at first, then move on to making male friends who you find interesting if not necessarily attractive. When I say "new", I don't necessarily mean a stranger off the street-- but if there was a co-worker or acquaintance from school whom you always liked but never became friends with, perhaps you could find some pretext to talk to them, send them an email with an interesting link, whatever. If they turn out to have something in common with you, don't wait for them to invite you to have coffee or go to an event, invite them (two or three at a time, so that the conversation never dies.)
Don't be scared-- people are much kinder than you think, much kinder than they were when they were young.
If you just can't shake the loneliness, sometimes you might have to make a radical change. What helped me was taking a trip alone to a different country to work in an archaeological excavation. Nobody knew me there and after 3 days of being too shy and feeling left out, I suddenly got sick of it all. I was free to reinvent myself as the person I always wanted to be, and it worked-- I had my pick of men, which gave me confidence that continued when I returned home. This method also worked for a friend of my husband's, who at 30 years old was an overlooked gem who never had a girlfriend, always yearning after women who were impossible in some way. He decided to live abroad and travel for a while. He came back not with a girlfriend, but with confidence which gave him luck-- he's married now with baby.
Another hint is to remember that men often move in packs.
So if you hang out with good male friends, even if there's no chemistry with them, they might know somebody who's right for you. (and you might help them hook up with your lady friends too! ;) ) Or at least you might feel more at ease with the opposite sex.
Best of luck and let us know how it goes!
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