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anonymous
writes: I am so worried about my relationship with my boyfriend. We are very different personalities. He is introverted and I have a tendancy to be extroverted. We have just had a terrible row which was caused by me not understanding why our sex life has almost stopped in the past year. He says it's because he feels that I pressure him too much and that I don't trust him which has made him feel angry with me and has therefore stopped him wanting to have sex with with me. It's a difficult situation as when we first met he did tell me some lies and from that that I found it hard to believe what he told me from that point on. I still find out he tells small lies now and then but he says it's easier for him to tell the lies than it is for him to tell me the truth. Of course this upsets me and and consquently destroys the trust that I have begun to build up in our relationship. Anyway up until last night we had been getting on really well for awhile but he still says the reason why we do not have a good sexual relationship is that even when we are having a good time he still finds that he is subconsciously under pressure to always do and say the right thing with me.I am so confused, as from my point of view we had been getting on so well - and him telling me that even when I think we are getting on fine when we are apparently not - has just broken my heart and completely destroyed my self esteem. He says that if I change then we will have a strong relationship but to be honest I don't even know where to begin.Do yuu have any advice that you can give me ?Yours hopefully Emma Jones
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, Alison, writes (7 March 2005): Sounds like you've been incredibly patient with him. He must be quite insecure to feel he has to lie to you and be uncomfortable around you. It's a shame for him, but it's not your fault. It's natural that you're worried about your sex life, but the worst thing you can do is pressure him, it's counter productive as he will resent the pressure and feel less like having sex. Confrontation in the form of the row you had may not be a bad thing, as it may help clear some of the tension you both must have been feeling. It's very important that you don't agonize about it too much, as that will only make you unhappy - not good! Don't pretend it didn't happen though, acknowledge what was said, remind yourself what is good about your relationship, and then open up communication again with this positive outlook - no personal insults, no raking up the past, just honest give and take. Be careful to up your self esteem though; he has no right to expect you to change for him unless you are actually abusive or unreasonable, which I don't think you are. Try to get him to remember why he was attracted to you in the first place- why would he want to change that woman? Please remember that, although you owe him respect and trust as a boyfriend, he has to earn it as a person. Look out for him by all means if the relationship can be rewarding, but don't sacrifice your self esteem just because you feel guilty. Good luck, really hope it works out for you! x
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