A
female
age
36-40,
*unnyday3636
writes:Hello,I have a question that is a bit odd, but am wanting a non biased third party view. My boyfriend and I got on the topic of siblings showering together after seeing a mother and daughter skinny dipping in a pool. He told me that when he was 6 his dad and his dads brother took a shower together and had asked my boyfriend to join. My boyfriend didn't, but his dad and dads brother took the shower together. They were adults over the age of 30. To me, this is unheard of and totally weird and um gross! My boyfriend feels offended and as though I'm judging his family by calling it "weird" He thinks I should acknowledge that it's common for normal families to shower together. I come from a normal close family and I know they would all think this is crazy too! It's not as though his dad and brother were sexual in any way, and I believe him in that, but I can't change my mind that I think it's weird. And he thinks it's so offensive that if I can't agree it's just not worth being together because I'm judging his family and offending him. Am I being rude and unreasonable? I mean, this has been something turned into a huge, HOURS long fight that doesn't even have anything to do with us. But he's bothered that I think it's weird and I'm bothered that he thinks it's okay to be justified. They say "agree to disagree" But that's not an option here. My boyfriend is not one to just drop it and move on. We must discuss every little thing and resolve. His only resolve here appears to be for me to find this "normal". In my own opinion, I don't. Is it wrong for me to have an opinion? I know it's not. But is it wrong for me to give up my opinion to save a relationship? This is all just crazy to me...thoughts?
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female
reader, sunnyday3636 +, writes (7 March 2011):
sunnyday3636 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all of your excellent answers. I was baffled at the idea for I had never heard of it being done, but you're correct in saying that just because *I* don't see it as normal, doesn't mean it's abnormal. I was being close-minded as if my opinion is the only one. And while I had no intentions of judging, I was coming across pretty nasty to him. Needless to say, after time alone to come to a rational state, my boyfriend and I are fine. His whole "If you don't agree with me, I can't be with you" was out of anger because I was judging. His main concern was he didn't want to feel like he had to find the incident something to be ashamed of, or for me to even judge him since it was his family. I guess every now and then I need that slap in the face to not be so closed-minded or in the mindsight of my way is the only right way. Pish Posh. No for real though. :)Thanks guys!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): Sorry but I don't think I answered you completely, I focused on that specific situation when the actual problem is not being able to disagree with each other and accept a difference in opinion."But is it wrong for me to give up my opinion to save a relationship?"Why do you have to give up your opinion? You don't have to agree on everything you know. Honestly OP if you can't learn to disagree with each other and accept that you're not going to agree on everything then you're kind of screwed. If you're both too stubborn to accept that the other person may have a different viewpoint and insist you agree on everything then you're simply going to have a lot more problems like this in the future.You give up this opinion now what happens when you disagree on something else? Are you going to completely cede to his viewpoint for the rest of your life?Are you being rude and unreasonable? Yes and no. You are judging his family by not accepting that's the way they do things. OP do you actually understand the concept of normal? Do you understand that what you consider "normal" is only "normal" to you? I mean you may think it weird for you to do that but you are directly insulting his family by calling them weird and saying you were brought up "normally" and imposing your own belief system on his family. Just because you don't do something doesn't mean it's not normal for others to do it. I don't think you should change your view but I do think you should accept them for the way they are and not impose your own values of personal space on them. Yeah you do find it weird but only from your perspective you should try and accept that this is in fact normal for them.I actually think your attitude is patronizing and condescending on this issue. I think that's his main problem, you think they're weird and you use all the examples of your *normal* upbringing and you compare what they do to what you consider normal. You're making it sound like you're better than them, that they're weird and strange, I mean come on OP you even needed him to reassure you that nothing sexual happened. You know, not accepting that other people have different interpretations of what is normal makes life a lot easier.I mean I was with a friend the other day in a shopping centre and her baby was hungry. So we found a bench and she sat down and started feeding him. Now lots of people gave her dirty looks and even tried to make sure their children didn't see it. The this old lady came over and started giving out to her about not having the decency to do it in private and when we asked her where there was that was private in a shopping centre she suggested the toilet, I mean she wouldn't eat her dinner in the toilet yet she expects my friends child to do that because it offended her sense of decency.My point is OP, that old ladies view is valid, it matters and it should be accepted but she was wrong to try and impose that onto others. She was wrong to judge my friend for doing that just because she was raised differently. Life is much easier when tolerate others idiosyncrasies, as long as what people do is not harming anyone else then they should be allowed to do what they like without being judged or put down.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 It's not wrong that you have an opinion, it 's wrong if you try to force it on someone who see things differently. Like, yours is the only " right " way to do things and everybody's else must be wrong.I don't have stats about siblings showering together, my guess is that is not so common, so probably your bf's family belongs to a minority in this case. But that does not make them " weird " or " crazy " and I can see how your bf can resent being judged so dismissively for a behaviour that after all is neither illegal nor immoral.I have female friends that are perfectly at ease entering together in a bathroom and taking turns urinating. So they can continue their chats even while one is sitting on the W.C. This is something that I never did and will never do. I dislike this lack of physical boundaries so I do not imitate them. Neither ,though ,I call them freaks or abnormal. Like Cerberus says , different people have different ides about what 's proper or acceptable,- and as long as they do not try to impose their ways on me, I do not try to impose mine on them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): I don't see a problem with it to be honest. My family were relatively poor when my mother and her brothers were growing up. It was very normal for them to shower together to save money, I mean they had to share beds until they moved out which could have been any age. Obviously it was only same sex siblings who shared.
It's not right nor wrong for them to shower together and it's not really weird either. We all have different standards when it comes to human contact. I mean we had a question here once where a woman was very uncomfortable with the amount of affection between her partner and his adult daughter, all he was doing was sitting holding his daughter while they watched a movie, stroking her hair etc. You see she couldn't separate that kind of contact and intimacy from sexual contact because she was raised to keep a certain distance from adult siblings. To her anything more than a hug or a kiss on the cheek was too intimate but he didn't share the same opinion and was perfectly comfortable with it.
Your set boundaries and they're set boundaries are different it doesn't make either view weird or wrong, just different.
Would I shower in such close proximity to a man where our bodies might brush off each other? Yeah I'd have no problem with that. You see I've had plenty of professional massages from guys and honestly that amount of touching is far closer and more personal than someone washing your back or standing beside you in the shower. Why if a guy is massaging your buttocks to work the tension out of your glutes is that not considered taboo too? It's just two brothers in the shower having a wash and a chat.
CG is right you are entitled to stick to yours, you're not wrong to see things that way, but judging people based solely on your standards is a bit closed minded my opinion. You may not be comfortable having a shower with another woman but that doesn't mean there is anything weird or bad about people that are comfortable with that. I mean some people get offended if they see naked people, some people get very offended when they hear a curse word, some people think holding your sibling for too long constitutes "too intimate", trust your own beliefs but don't impose them on others.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (6 March 2011):
Where was the shower? Was it at the pool or the sports hall? Or at home?
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 CG is spot on. Most men, certainly any men that have played must sport, are pretty comfortable taking a shower in front of other men in a big communal shower BUT if it were in a standard domestic shower then that would involve a serious encroachment on personal space that very very few men would be comfortable with.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 I think there are two questions here.
As to guys showering together, if they've played sports then they've been in showers together with other men. It's standard in locker rooms at schools and at athletic clubs like the YMCA. In those situations it's completely non-sexual, legitimate and accepted. Keep in mind that I'm talking about large, open-area showers designed to accommodate several people without them having to come in contact.
I'll assume that, for your family, you're thinking about the usual small, one-person sized shower. And that sharing that sort of space with anyone other than a small child is 'off'. Fair enough. If your b/f is defending two grown men in that kind of small space where contact is inevetable, then he and you have grown up with a different set of values. And you're perfectly justified to stick to yours.
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