A
male
 ,
Dazzerg
writes:“You can’t win anything without playing the game”, isn’t that just the saddest and truest thing you ever did hear?? We all do it, whether we are aware of it or not and although we often rhetorically repudiate, the reality is that we all play them whether we are aware of it or not. Relationships are the most common arena for games playing but there are other areas; work, social circles. People play games for different reasons, sometimes simply because they can, sometimes to make them feel much better about themselves or to get attention and sometimes just purely to gather information. For convenience, I will split the field into two; some players are ‘weak’, they have little control over their own emotional universe and so have to control their external environment. They are deeply insecure and so can only gain a sense of stability from an external stabilising force, say for example a partner. Of course their behaviour in practice is often wildly destructive of their outer environment so they end up achieving the opposite of their desires in a perpetual loop. Somebody who we would term an attention seeker is a good example of a weak player. ‘Strong’ players begin with a greater sense of inner stability and are thus much more overt players. They play with a much clearer sense of conscious aim and objective. A good example of this type is the local stud or nymphet whose sole aim in life seems to be the use and abuse of others for their sexual gratification. Obviously because their derive pleasure and satisfaction (sexual, intellectual or egotistical) from their endeavours this type sees little or nothing wrong with their behaviour. On the other hand, ‘weak’ players will quite sincerely deny playing because there are driven largely by a subconscious drive for inner equilibrium. As a species we all have a complex variety of emotional and physical needs; games are the means to the end of getting what we want/need. They can also act as a means of escape; an end and requirement in itself. They are a form of mediation and control between our inner mental and outer physical universes. If however they become an end in themselves (as they can be for ‘strong players’ who glean satisfaction from playing games) then that is when a person can truly be considered a player. Dating gamesDating is a huge game; people always play with their mate, eg little children pull each others hair in the schoolyard as an expression of primitive attraction. Teasing somebody (even in a non-sexual way) is a way to gain attention; as a child it involves a direct assault on another’s personal space, adults as a rule are more subtle. Adults in general play much more sophisticated games although they often still resort to metaphorically pulling each others hair. Games serve numerous purposes here but primarily they are about:a) Establishing whether the attraction is mutual and, if that is sob) Establishing the various roles and power dynamics within a future relationshipc) As a result of the above two minimising the risk of rejectionI will give an example of one, its called ‘fishing’. Picture the scenario; you have a colleague at work that you like, it comes up in conversation that they are going out at the weekend. You then either ask who with/ask if they are ‘on the pull’/intimate that they will ‘score’, you are ‘fishing’; you are enquiring after the others marital status/ asking if they are looking for a partner and also complimenting them on their attractiveness. Another good example of this is ‘Challenge’ and typically this takes place later than the first and continues throughout the relationship. The premise of this is that you ‘knock down’ or ‘challenge’ a bold assertion of your partner’s individuality or individual opinion and in doing so assert your own individuality. Do you follow religiously dating rules? I mean do you, for example, wait a certain amount of time of times before txting a number that you acquired on your last Saturday night out on the tiles?? This is another example of the ‘mating game’ in action, consciously you are trying not to appear ‘desperate’; subconsciously you are asserting your individuality and self-reliance; both attractive traits in a potential partner. The dating game is a minefield of protocols and do’s and don’ts which I have to confess to never having really mastered. For example, I tend to be quite forthright and expressive of my feelings, which is a definite no-no at least until a level of familiarity has been established. Spot a player However, doing any of this would not necessarily make you a player, in the strictest sense of the word. A head tennis pro is somebody who is either egotistical enough to be a strong player or insecure enough (and thus confused in their own mind) to be a weak one. It is a tricky business to distinguish the head tennis pro from a genuine person. So how can you sort the wheat from the chafe? 1. Judge more on actions than words: Words are, sadly, relatively cheap; that is not to say that they mean nothing, more that they mean more when they are backed-up by corresponding actions. However, this has it’s limits, be aware that sometimes genuine reasons prevent somebody from taking actions that they wished too. On the flip-side somebody who craves attention will subconsciously use word’s which ‘inflate’ things beyond their reasonable proportion. 2. Watch for consistency: This kind of follows on from the point above but can also be applied to verbal consistency. If people change their story or it ‘doesn’t add-up’ then the central question you have to be asking is why? If somebody is being genuine then things should flow quite naturally which leads me to my next point. Again, if their story changes to make themselves the subject, when they are not, this is a sign of the weak variety of player. 3. Body language counts: This is something that we rarely consciously control and is such is a brilliant indicator of what is going on under all the charming smiles and feathery words. Eye contact for example is an amazing indicator of where a persons attention really is focused; if you date/prospective mate is claiming to have eyes only for you but really their eyes are wandering away or worse still ‘roving’ around the dance floor with purpose then what that means should be self-evident. Overblown gestures are the other side of this particular coin because obviously they draw attention to that individual. All of this assumes that you are in a position to actually weigh all these factors. The complexities of online dating are of course an entirely different kettle of fish, in reality you are heavily reliant on numbers one and two above on which to make your judgment (although if you have phone contact their can be cues and clues contained in intonation and syntax). If you keep on your guard and you can soon turn the tables and win any game a player tries to play you at and hopefully win the ultimate prize of a loving heart and a healthy relationship.
View related questions:
at work, cheap, insecure, player, teasing Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, Ae. +, writes (21 March 2008):
 Wonderful stuff, I agree with so much of your agrument and must compliment you on how observant you are!Its true that in looking for a 'player' and even the genuinuty of any relationship, consistancy is key. Without it gestures can have easily been manufactured. People cannot 'put something on' for long, if they're not really interested then it'll show eventually; on the whole we're quite bad at hiding how we feel.I'm really interested in your divide between the real player and the faker; the secure, self asured and the insecure worrier. If you have any more on this then i'd love to hear it.Thanks alot.
|
