A
female
age
,
*ucySky
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together in a very close and loving relationship for over 6 years - I am 47 and he is 42. We have a lovely time with ordinary physical affection on a daily basis, lots of hugs, kisses, touches, playing around and fun. He is very kind and sweet. We adore each other really. But our sex life has always been very troubling because he has always been too rough on me!He often fucks too hard and grinds in and in like he is desperate to get to the deepest part of my body. He hurts me and races things along too fast for me so that there's no way my level of arousal can keep up. He seems to be completely disconnected and insensitive to my own rhythms and seems to interpret my distress during sex as arousal which just fuels him more. I almost always have thrush and often also urinary tract problems after sex, sometimes general abdominal pain too. I have some chronic health problems that don't help me meet his rough tastes and the rough sex doesn't help my health at all. He is also very easily aroused and very often makes advances in a crude way like grabbing roughly at my nipples out of the blue (makes me jump and feel even more nervous in my body with him). He's also fond of really crude sexual language even in general socialising, which I thought was funny and liberating when we first met but has become disturbing to me over time, probably because of my growing disgust for our sex life.The lack of sensuality and sensitivity between us in sexual matters has got me to the point now where I feel quite frigid (even though I used to be almost a sexaholic when we met). I feel worn out rather than energised by sex and it makes me feel ugly rather than beautiful. It feels too harsh to be love. I've become neglectful of my appearance because I don't want to do anything that might inflame his desire for me more than it already is. I've expressed this to him a million times, have cried about it in front of him and even made angry scenes about it when I lost control of myself. He says he doesn't mean to be so rough, just can't seem to get what I want and gets deeply depressed himself when we have these increasingly miserable scenes around sex. He just doesn't seem to have any control of himself when he gets into the sexual act.It feels like it could destroy our otherwise wonderful relationship...
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female
reader, boo22  +, writes (2 October 2009):
 Hi there, hope you're ok. I have experienced something similar to what you describe and i can empathise. Do you feel you owe him in some way cos you used to be up for it all the time? He may have underlying frustration in other areas with your relationship and he is punishing you on a subconcious level. Your guy doesn't seem to know himself very well. Emotional intelligence seems to be lacking here. Please stop doing this to yourself as it will make you more poorly than you already are.
This is a huge issue, not in the least bit trivial and you've got to take control here and take the lead. Get yourself some help first and if he really loves you he will too. Its like he's trying to push you away, even though it looks superficially like he's doing the complete opposite. good luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): I think firstly and independently you need to stop having sex with him - you are paying a far too high price for putting up with rough sex. What you describe would be abuse to most of us - in fact it definitely is abuse. He is hurting you physically and mentally and you need to stop making excuses for him. The fact he disassociates his feelings for you with the sexual act (plus the other inappropriate things he does like grabbing you and speaking so crudely etc) make me feel strongly that he has severe mental issues around sex. If he gets depressed about it and feels he is unable to change then you need to remove yourself from it and say that you are not prepared to go on until he speaks to someone independently about it - a specialist counsellor. If he's not prepared to i.e. he does not care about you enough to do it and seek help to change, then please please.... for the sake of your body, your self respect and your health, leave him. I cannot imagine how awful it must be to be tolerating this - each time a little part of your love for him must be dying. There are so many men who would make love in a way that would delight and please you and make you feel like a woman. What he is doing is fundamentally not right.
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A
female
reader, mzredbone  +, writes (2 October 2009):
Well ,if you are unhappy then you need to tel him immediately.You turning him away isnt going to solve your problem,and neglecting you appearance.You are only going to hurt yourself more if you continue to let this go one.Im pretty sure that you would like to enjoy your sex life just as much as the next person,so be honest
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