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writes: Hi.I recently posted in "I cheated and he just won't stop bringing it up!! Advice pls?"Anyway...off that topic now...here's a new one:Possessiveness...My boyfriend (he's 21) of whom I have been with for 6 months, not only brings up everything I (I'm 18) did: the cheating, the lies, My past before I met him.... (this is not my bid telling him to get over what I did by the way)BUT....he has now made up for me who I am allowed to see...and if i see the friends he's on about (girl friends), I apparently risk losing him cause of a choice I make which he doesn't like...My boyfriend also plays the "it's over (break up) and then let's chat and act like I said nothing', game quit a a lot!If I don't reply to a text like straight away he assumes I'm cheating on him again (done it twice :( )...well of course he's gonna think that but I'm not. Surely I'm allowed freedom?He also asks when he sees me, "how is (the guy i cheated on my boyfriend with) today? It's getting a tad annoying as I am not cheating on him a third time!My boyfriend also doesn't like "One word text messages" like who cares, right?Also, I have noticed that when we talk on the phone when he's at work, he doesn't bring anything up, well "hardly" but when we get off the phone he's straight into bringing things up again....I have also found myself saying in messages "Im off to bed, night xx" in a bid to avoid answering his questions.I love my boyfriend, yeah okay didn't at the start, but I do now, even though we fight constantly...but I can't say anything to him cause I don't want him getting mad and us breaking up :/If someone here has been in this situation and thinks this is possessiveness, please help me.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 I don't know how he was before you cheated on him, but look. You cheated on him, you wrecked his trust and now he doesn't trust you. There is no point in continuing this relationship since he does not trust you and never will. Yes he's being unbelievably controlling and emotionally abusive, but if this isn't how he was before you cheated, then it's not exactly a mystery why he'd feel a need to exert control over your life. Because he has ZERO trust for you anymore, he feels like he can force himself to trust you by knowing exactly where you are, who you're talking to, and what you're doing at all times. Just like in the last post you seem really cavalier about cheating on him, like it was kinda sad, but not a huge deal and he's blowing it out of proportion. You don't sound remorseful so I don't blame him for not trusting you.
I told you in your last post and I'm going to tell you again, there is no point in continuing this relationship. You're tormenting both him and yourself. He will never trust you again and you will wind up miserable staying with him. You need to end things because he will never stop punishing you for your mistakes. Let this be a lessen to not cheat in your next relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): No it isn't possessiveness. Its Insecurity, Emotional Abuse, Controlling Behaviour, and using your past to keep you under his control by shame tatics.
Which is the furthest from a loving relationship. Its not even a healthy one.
YOu cheated on him previous; in the 6 months of a relationship with him? What about him, has he ever cheated on previous GFs? Does a past indescretion grant him now the authority to use it against you to bully you, taunt you, berate you? Is that loving in itself and is it not a form of betraying the trust and integrity of the relationship? Hmmm.
If we want to be honest, his constant insecurity and starting fights and attacking you and demoralizing you is what will kill the relationship and not so much, the fear you might cheat again. Your condemned for something you, I trust, have no desire to do and may not do.
Granted he has some healing to do but if he is going to do it by tearing you down- Not worth remaining with him.
This all seems very disproportionate and highly immature in that BF does not act like a grown young man that is accountable for his actions as well as lacks forgiveness and the willingness to work together to make the relationship grow and strengthen into a loving, safe, friendship based adult relationship.
He can't even act as a Friend to you- not kind, not supportive, not understanding, not caring.
The thing about doing ones best to recover from cheating on another; there must be given FAIR time to the cheater to redeem herself/himself. That a commitment be made to avoid pitfalls of cheating. The two of you work in agreeance on what the boundaries will be. Which seems to be left to interpretation and no real in depth discussion so how can one say that you are upholding your commitments to rectify the trust of the relationship?
What do you see in this guy?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 January 2012):
 My rule is that anyone who makes me make a choice over friends is the loser.
I am with a man who is difficult now. I have friends that do not like him. I was told to choose... Him or US... they were SHOCKED that I chose him. He likes them less than they like him and his response before this was "see them when I'm not around" which is the adult thing to do....
Why do you say you love a man who:
a. you fight with constantly
b. you try to avoid contact (answering questions)
c. feel like you can't be yourself around
d. plays emotional games with you
e. feels he has the right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with?
f. annoys you
again... WHAT is GOOD about the relationship and does it override ALL the bad stuff
this is not possessiveness. this is controlling, jealous insecure behavior...
possesiveness is when my man grabs me and hugs me and says "MINE" with a twinkle in his eye...
it's not:
you may speak to so and so but NOT so and so
and when he continues to bring up the guy you cheated with (btw forgive is one thing forget is another and he's not forgiven or he would not bring it up) I would say "he's fine I spent the night with him last week and we had hot sex and I'm DONE WITH YOU"
and END IT.
you are worth more than the emotional abuse he is giving you.
If he slapped you or hit you every day would you stay?
so why is his abusing you with his words and actions different?
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (23 January 2012):
 This isn't possessiveness, this is INSANITY!!!!! What a complete and utter spanner for thinking he can get away with treating someone like that. No offence intended, but it's no wonder you cheated on him to be perfectly honest! He sounds like a bloody nightmare!!!!
3 words... DUMP HIS ASS!!!!
Total and utter prick, how dare he pick and choose who you speak to!!
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