A
female
age
,
*itkat2z
writes:I am a mature, very attractive, independent woman dating a professional, very sweet man (M.D.). Four years now. He makes excuses for not having me meet his two children, both very needy in their own ways. They both live out of state. Both in mid-30's going on about 14 years, emotionally. One very successful professionally, the other never holding jobs for long. My BF works incredibly long hours, very little time for us...etc. I understand this and it is no problem, as I own a business and am very busy, also. This works for us. However, when he DOES have free time...he is off to spend weekends with the daughter, or she flies in to be with him. She is the successful one, money no object. She arranges surprise weekends for him to join her in cities around the country where they shop, dine and take in the sites. He gripes about this sometimes, but never hesitates to go. Has hidden this from me, says he is at her place for a weekend visit, but then I find out later they have both been somewhere else in the country, having a good time. She is married...I don't know how her husband feels about this. She has, in the past, arranged vacations and he finds out last minute that his ex has been invited along by the daughter. He does not like this but goes along with it anyway. I haven't gone crazy over this, as I, too, have a healthy friendship with my ex, but we have boundaries and would never dream of taking a vacation together. I feel the daughter's real goal is to get the parents back together and she is working overtime to drive me off. She is frequently coming up with surprise tickets to some event for him out of state, or she will "fly" the brother in from across the country to spend weekends with his dad, anything to fill up his time and keep us apart. Bottom line...she wants me out of the picture, knows she can control her dad whenever she wants. Still holds out hope that mommy and daddy can get back together (divorced now ten years). My BF and I are so much alike, interested in the same things, get along well. Example: We both love history. I would love to explore historical sites around the country...but she beats me to it and they go together. I am an intelligent, sharp woman. Do I continue with this relationship, realizing that every relationship has its challenges. Do I not allow the daughter to "win" and split us up. Or do I read the handwriting on the wall and find another relationship (as we all know, not easy to do). Finding time to share with this man is at a premium and I sit alone many, many weekends, reading and cleaning closets while he and the daughter travel together or just hang out in one of the most interesting cities in the U.S. Why don't I get out and do something else, you say? My friends are all married and though I do spend time with my kids, weekends are when they need to be with their spouses and I wouldn't push my way into their lives like that, even though we are very close. Valentines Day weekend is coming up and I am going to put my "bid" in early...there is an event in town that I would love to go to with him. My bet is that he will hesitate, look uncomfortable and tell me that "Gosh, so and so has tickets for whatever already for me to go to Big City, with her. Gee I'm so sorry" Maybe another time. We'll see. If this happens, I think I may be done.By the way...this IS his daughter he is seeing. One would suspect that maybe it could be another woman, but I have heard them on the phone over and over with their conversations and know that it is, indeed, his daughter he is with.
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female
reader, kitkat2z +, writes (10 January 2010):
kitkat2z is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all very much for your very good advice. I will be using some of your tips. As an update to a few questions here in your replies: His daughter knows I exist. I heard her asking for details about me when he was on the phone with her. She calls him every night, so when we are together and the call comes in, he grimaces a little and shakes his head but usually (not always) takes the call and will mention that she drives him a little crazy after the call is over. When I asked him if his kids liked his old GF (she broke up with him because she had plenty of money, didn't work, had lots of time on her hands and he just did not have the time to devote to her, but also the daughter had a hand in this). He told me that "No, his kids wouldn't like any GF of his". Very immature. These are not 12 year-olds were talking about here. They definately want daddy to themselves. Maybe they think I will take their inheritance. Not so. I don't care if this relationship ever leads to marriage. I am rather independent, tho certainly do not have the money he has, by any means. Just want a great man and companionship (who doesn't). Anyway...I do know, from reading between the lines that it sounds like the daughter really worked over the former GF with little tricks ala Parent Trap (remember the movie? He has told me of a few outings they took together, concerts, etc. where things went really haywire and incredibly annoying and the daughter innocently stating something to the effect of "Gosh, it really wasn't my fault". And dad saying to the GF something like "Honestly, you really can't blame (daughter)". So I think this young woman (30s) figures, "If mom can't have him, nobody is going to have him". There is a lot of dysfunction in the family as the kids were growing up (mom severely alcoholic and gambling addiction). Thanks again for the helpful advice. Very appreciated!
A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (7 January 2010):
 The daughter is not 'winning' he is choosing to spend time with her instead of you.
Honestly he sounds married to me. all this cloak and dagger stuff. why won't he let you meet his grown children. he travels the country with his daughter why not take you with him. after 4 years you should be his mainstay, his anchor why would he ever dream of being without you for these period of times. Was he on speaker phone or did you just hear his side of the conversations. And why when he is with you, he is still on the phone with his daughter. Now I've heard of some close fathers and daughters, but really this takes the cake.
This just sounds fishy to me. I say get someone who will put you first and move on. 4 years is way to long to be put on the back burner until he is free.
If you choose to stick it out with him, I will agree with the other posts. Make appointment/dates with him well in advance and make him tell his daughter when she springs one of her suprises on him that he is other wise occupied.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): HelloIf I were in your position, I would ask about valentines day and if he reacts how you expect him to, point out that she has a husband who would appreciate to be with her on valentines and she is no longer a child. It can be your chance to point out a few home truths to him about how you feel, valentines is a day to celebrate with the one you love. He should want to be with you and you should put each other first on that day, no one else. Relationships are an equal partnership and there should be an equal balance between you both. At the moment you are putting all the work into the relationship. It isn't fair for you to be left alone. I think he doesn't realise what a good woman he has and takes for granted that you will still be there when he comes back from his jollies with his daughter. I won't say to find someone else, he is probably a lovely man and you should just tell him how it is for you in a calm and polite manner but stress that you can't keep the relationship afloat on your own and that you aren't sure how long you can keep being pushed aside.Take care and I hope things work out for you. Whats meant to be will be.
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A
female
reader, stella-confused/angry  +, writes (7 January 2010):
Tell him how you feel ask him how he feels then ask him if he can talk to his daughter and if maybe you 3 can have a little time together if he takes his daughters side its time for you to mive on and if he says he'll think about it then maybe he wants to start taking this relationship nseriouselyxxx stella-confused/angry
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): If I was you I would ask him to come along for the Valentines event thing. Valentines day is a couples day, and his daughter should by all means be with her husband that day and not with her father. If she however has tried to snatch your BF, he needs to make a choice. Also I would be quite surprised and not to mention disappointed if MY bf didn't already plan to spend Valentines with ME. Your boyfriend should be the one plotting and planning vacations for the two of you, and plan for you two to be together, not leave this up to his daughter.Get involved! Sit down and plan vacations with him! Even a year ahead if you must. Being in a relationship with you means there needs to be a level of committment, and if he is a good boyfriend he would love to travel and spend time with you, so plan it! Maybe he has stuck it in his head that you are too busy for him, or maybe you dont come up with ideas often enough so you sort of turn into the back-up-plan in case his daughter is too busy to spend time with him?
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (7 January 2010):
First of all, does the daughter know you are in her father's life? If she doesn't know you exist then maybe she feels her dad is lonely and wants to be there for him like he was for her. If she does know you live with your father, then you have to force an introductory meeting. Even if it means calling her yourself. Just a 'get to know you' thing where you just chat and have a dinner or something. If she has not met you then you can't possibly expect her to be considerate of your feelings because she doesn't know you. If your boyfriend is definitely not interested in his ex then his daughter will eventually give up trying to unite them. But once your husband's daughter knows you then she might start to include you. As long as you are certain that its his daughter not another woman, then why let a good doctor go to waste? Find a way to work through it. Not every situation is grounds for breaking up. Out here in the cold the pickings are slim to none. So work it out.
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