A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We have 2 kids together both of whom are under 2 years old. We have lived together for 2 1/2 years. We have been talking about buying a house though and stop renting as it's dead money. I have just started up part time at University so money is tight but he is on a very attractive income.He has asked me to save for the mortgage deposit while he continues to pay utility bills but that will cost thousands - thousands I don't have (still paying off loans and have a 60k student loan) I don't want to buy a house until I am married either. I know i am in deep enough with two children but have been screwed over with a mortgage previously that I had with my Mother (she didn't pay it and i had to sell the property) also, I'd like to get married!I have told him I'd be happy to go to the registry office or elope and have plastic rings it does not bother me at all but he wants a big fancy wedding which I think is totally stupid. But we are not even yet engaged! And no sign of it.We had an argument over the deposit of the house this morning and I told him that I felt like he didn't love me. (The way he was talking to me made me feel like a child) he mocked me because I am only studying part time and said it must be "so hard" *sarcasm*He said if I wasn't happy then I could leave and he would take me to court to get custody of the kids. I was taken aback as I haven't spoken of leaving him. It was as if he wanted me to leave? That's the way I interpreted it.I don't know if my relationship is toxic or abusive. Basically, we don't ever go out to dinner, movies or anywhere as a family. He works and comes home and spends time with his friends. I take the kids out and do my own thing. We sleep in the same bed and occasionally (a month) have sex. He doesn't kiss me anymore either. I feel like I am very unwanted, feel my needs are being neglected and as if I am only here because we have children. I am not sure if my reasons for feeling this way are valid.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 August 2016):
 You both had children very very quickly in to the relationship and sometimes that makes things to serious to quick for you both and you do not get a chance to properly get to know one another before being parents. So this is difficult on you both.
You are both talking about buying a house which yes can be promising but it does not mean that living together will get any easier. If you don't feel wanted in the relationship and you are not getting what you need emotionally then you both need to work together to get that spark back, and believe me taking out a mortgage is not going to do that, it will only cause more resentment when you already have student loans and only study part time.
You want to be married before a house and he does not so you both need to sit down and make a compromise. Something that you will both be happy with, maybe he does want the big white wedding, but maybe he is also using that as an excuse to get you off his back. Either way you are not engaged yet so I would take the thought of marriage out of your head unless you feel it is needed, if so then tell him and if you are unhappy again try and work towards a happier relationship not marriage, people think marriage will sort out there problems but it won't if anything it is stressful!
It is good to see that you do talk to him about how you feel, maybe he is feeling the stress of being the sole income earner. I am sure you are busy studying and being a mum but you also need to see that it is tough on him supporting all off you as a family. Therefore I hope you to show your appreciation.
I am sure he spoke to you about this as he was feeling the pressure of the argument between you, not because he truly meant it, I think people say things all the time just to get a reaction out of there partner, it sounds like he may be stressed as much as you are. So it would be much better to talk in a calm environment when the children are away to bed and talk as adults about each off your problems, take your time to see it from each others point of view and hopefully resolve them.
You don't go out together as a family which is not a good sign, but if he has a good income maybe it is because he is working a lot, talk to him about taking sometime out with you and the children, if he spends all his free time with his friends and not helping you with the children, then he needs to be a better dad, and you need to tell him that, buying a house and getting married is not going to fix that, you both need to fix your problems before entering in to a mortgage or marriage. If the passion is gone then make more off an effort to reintroduce it, again it probably got difficult after having two children in such early stages of a relationship. If you miss being intimate tell him, or better still show him.
If you feel neglected and unwanted and he is not willing to change then maybe you do need to look in to the possibility that you are not compatible and that you might be better parents being separated. Having children is not a reason to stay in a relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): Unfortunately you are experiencing the negative effects of shacking up and having kids with a guy whom you barely knew.I suspect his insistence of having a big fancy wedding is just a way of putting you off (and if he really does want one then he's irresponsible, whatever money he may want to spend on a wedding should go towards his children's future); as of now he has no incentive to marry you because he currently enjoys all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities while enjoying the freedom to leave at any time with no risk to his assets or obligation to you other than child support. And given that you've been shacking up for 2 1/2 years and have two kids there is no point in becoming "engaged," you're either married or you're not.Sorry, but you did it ass-backwards; the logical sequence would have been to get to know each other, become engaged, get married and THEN buy a house and have kids. Because you didn't you are now in the unenviable position of seeing him for who he really is yet being stuck with him in your life for the next eighteen years as baby daddy times two.Only advice I can offer is to consult an attorney to ensure your children are legally protected as the offspring of unmarried parents and see what rights you may have as a live-in girlfriend who is not financially independent.
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