A
female
age
51-59,
*amurai girl
writes:I've been dating a great guy for about 5 months. In the beginning, kissing alone would get me all hot and bothered. When we finally did have sex, it was fantastic. Now that the relationship has progressed and I've learned more about him (nothing of which is terrible), my ability to get easily aroused is nil. I feel more ambivalent and this is manifesting itself in my body - I can't get aroused enough for him to enter me w/o lube. And even when we do that, I end up sore and irritated for a week, reluctant for him to touch me again because I am in so much agony afterward. Been to the gynecologist, and I'm fit as a fiddle. How do I get the spark back? I really do love him; thinking about not being with him makes me sad. But then I focus on the things I perceive as negative about the relationship and become torn.I am desperate because I can't continue this way. I want to be back in a 'good place' mentally with him and about our relationship, so we can enjoy ourselves together physically. Any advice?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2009):
 The crazy woohoo honeymoon-esque period does eventually end in almost every single relationship. I think it generally takes a bit longer than 5 months for it to fizzle, and in your case, actually it's done more than that, it's reaching "call the coroner!" status.
So why is that happening? You've ruled out one possibility, that it's a medical problem. So, that leaves the mental side of sex, obviously. There's also the physical side of it, as in what is he doing (or not doing) and what are you doing that does and doesn't work? Let’s break it down, give you some things to think about, ask you a couple more questions and maybe you’ll get that ‘aha!’ moment. I hope.
I think you are either angry with him for not being Mr. Perfect or really disappointed in him. It could be a smidgeon of both. I think what you’ve learned about him, while not awful, isn’t exactly resume material. You don’t like what you’ve learned and you’re taking this with you to bed now. You strike me as a woman of strong feelings and opinions on how life should go. (We met on a previous question ;^) and you definitely have a point of view.) When it doesn’t go as you had planned or think it should, I think you develop some small but real feelings of resentment. And in his case, that resentment has turned you off him.
How does that sound as a working theory?
Okay, the physical side. Maybe when you two were still fresh and new to each other, you would rush into the meetings with your anticipation very high and probably already fairly hot for him before you even saw him. You were already warmed up and purring along like a well-maintained engine. Now when you see him, it’s like you’re starting up a sluggish, gunked up diesel engine on a cold day. [Any mechanics out there, cut me a break, think of it as poetic license.] So he’s used to you being at a certain level and it didn’t take much to move you right along. Ahem. But now, you’re actually miles and miles behind, you’re cranky and you need more seduction – and he doesn’t know that. So he thinks it’s business as usual and proceeds with the steps that have worked in the past. And you haven’t told him that you need more convincing, and you’re holding yourself back because you’re a little peeved at him, and there you have it. You are so unaroused you need lube and even then it hurts for a long time afterwards. Good grief, hasn’t he noticed you’re not really ready for him? Doesn’t he care? Or are you telling him it’s all right, go ahead, we’ll use the lube and that will help. Are you even having an orgasm? I can’t imagine that you are if things are going as you describe.
So you’re compounding the issue, because you’re now not only resenting him for those character flaws you’ve discovered but also for actually hurting you during lovemaking.
Girl, you have GOT to talk to him about this. You need to come to terms with those traits that you hate, dislike or feel negatively about. You either do that with him or without him. Personally, I think you should be able to manage some of this with calm, loving, active listening and discussion.
You also need to tell him that you need more seduction and more ‘convincing’ because it is taking you longer to feel aroused.
I have a little theory about you, and I am not trying to be mean here, okay? I think you think you’re too good for him. I also think that you are working so hard to be perfect that you can’t let yourself admit to him that the lovemaking just isn’t doing it for you anymore. Your body is betraying your mind’s secret. You can’t get the spark back until you acknowledge that.
How old are you? Late 30s, hmmm. You might be having this conflict with him because you have reached an age where things start getting etched in stone. In other words, you’re getting a bit more rigid in expectations and less flexible when things aren’t to your tastes or match up with your morals. Hey, it happens to us all, but getting together with a new guy requires a great deal of patience and a whole lot of understanding. And I’ll tell you a secret: you’re going to have to stay flexible with the guy. Yep, even when married. Sigh, I know. Of course, he has to be flexible too, it’s a two way street. So maybe your guy isn’t being as flexible as you’re expecting yourself to be toward him? Maybe that’s another little chunk of resentment that’s causing this physical stalemate?
Okay, I’ve theorized long enough. I’m just trying to think things through, trying to understand what MIGHT be happening here. I could be so off base that you can cheerfully ignore this post. But I hope you find it helpful in some way.
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