A
female
age
36-40,
fishdish
writes:I just broke up with my boyfriend of six yrs, my only serious relationship at this point. The most startling feeling I have is after weeks of build up of anger, bitterness, and hurt towards my partner, the ambivalence and second-guessing I'm now going through. I guess I thought that things were more black and white than they are, that people only left 100% BAD relationships..what I recall from my six years is positive, and I don't know if this means I made a mistake, or that I'm idealizing what we had because it's scary to do something new and different and he has been a comfort, he has been my life. I allowed relationships with others to degrade in favor of fostering a relationship with my boyfriend. I feel lost and abandoned, even though I was the abandoner, both of friends, family, and now my partner. But I wanted so much for this man to be my One. I've known something didn't feel 100% right after about a year, but I was full of explanations, solutions, self-blame, fear, hope, guilt...excuses. I kept putting time caps on the relationship: if it doesn't feel right once I get a new job...once he returns from Iraq (he's out of the military now)...in six months..next year..I'd write on dearcupid "is it right?". When I got affirmation, I felt assured, and when I got skeptics, I became defensive and wanted to prove them wrong.This past fall was the first year we had an opportunity to live together and we took a risk and leapt at it. We were so happy at first, but it spiraled during our second semester of law school. I tried to ignore the parts of him I didn't like instead of accepting them as part of the man I loved. I became a selective lover. I realized this was problematic, and became more able to articulate my concerns with us. I pointed out flaws to improve our relationship but he felt reduced, pidgeonholed by my observations. No change, hurtful patterns remained. I didn't. I became tired of trying to resist the fact that I was not in love.I did not expect my partner to fight for us like he did. It was beautiful and heartbreaking. Holding my ground amidst proposals of a temporary break felt unspeakably cruel but necessary. Only hours after breaking up,though, I feel the guilt, of having given up, of wishing I didn't want more, and the reluctance of losing someone who knows my skin, my heart, my humor, my pain, my stories until nothing is new, it's all been told but we retell it til it becomes ours. Someone is carrying my life now, and it's not me. Most people have to recover from the bad things a partner did. I have to recover from what I did, by forgiving myself. I don't know how to begin that process. So many times I wanted to share things with him today, but got slammed into a mental wall: I no longer have the privilege of interaction with my person, how do I fill that vacancy, how long will it take...
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female
reader, frikkles1213  +, writes (3 June 2011):
Hey fishdish,Aren't there some things you've always wanted to do that you couldn't while you were in that relationship? Travelling maybe? It is quite natural to feel alone after that kind of break up...but if you had the guts to end it, don't go back with him because of that lonely feeling. It's going to be hard at first but you have to think about you, and just you now. As I said, take a trip arround the world, get in shape, try some new hobbies or language classes, try learning how to play an instrument, anything! You have to fill the cup if you want to have a chance to hold your ground and not going back there for no more reason than pain. Get busy the most you can. Try to get in touch with old friends, go camping, listen to a lot of music, anything! In fact, the hard part will be to find happiness and fulfillment in other things than this other person. Try to make a list of what you wish to accomplish, get independent. You will attract more and more people to you as you get happier by yourself.Plus, nothing stops you two of remaing friends, but Of course you have to take a break for some time.And then someday you will find a person that you truely love.I wish you joy,Frikkles
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