A
female
age
41-50,
*nhappynewlywed
writes:Hello all, please please can anyone advise me on this.My husband and i have been together for about 5 and half years. we got married about 6 months ago. And to be honest i just think i have made a huge mistake.The months leading up to the wedding were very stressful. Husband is manager of a company and is always very stressed. He blames everything on stress.We dont have sex, he doesnt hug, kiss or touch me. we had sex 2 times on our honeymoon. Marriage just isnt what i thought it would be. he drinks a lot at weekends and puts me down constantly. he has even said that its no wonder he doesnt have sex with me with the state of me. he says that women would die to be with him and what he has to offer. He has a lovely house which i moved into about 4 years ago. Everything is in his name. he bought me a car, he takes me on holiday etc etc but everything gets thrown back in my face during an argument when hes drunk. He says he gives me everything and i dont appreciate it. i do and always have but he makes me feel so bad about everything. its so hard to put everything in words as to how he is with me. Whenever i got o leave him, he starts to cry and tells me not to and that he loves me etc and then thats it! nothing else said, not even any makeup sex!!he refuses to talk/discuss anything unless he has had a drink and then he just gets aggressive. I finally got him to go with me to see a relationship councillor and they said he needs to go see them alone as they class the relationship as abusive (mentally/emotionally). Since then we have not heard anything for them and i just thought we had to wait for an appointment but he admitted this weekend that they called him to make an appointment which hes due to go on this thursday but that he has 'no intention' of going to see them.We have no kids and i really dont want them when we are like this. The problem is im 28 now and i do actually want them soon.Sorry for going on and on and for any spellling/punctuation errors!
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drunk, moved in, on holiday, puts me down, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Please find the nearest Al-Anon meeting and go there at your earliest opportunity. This program will support you and help you think clearly so you can decide what your options are. Here's the website to help you find a meeting near you. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): I think you've been given some good advice here about your options, so I don't have to clarify any of that. I just want to tell you that I support your strength in finally, standing up for yourself. You husband is resorting to being a bully...plain and simple. He is not used to you being assertive and standing up for yourself! Listen, your rights and feelings are just as important as other people's and just as important as your husband's – and their feelings and opinions are no less important than yours. You are finally becoming assertive and being this way is all about valuing yourself as well as others. It's all about expecting to be treated fairly and treating others fairly, it's a being heard and hearing others.Being assertive is about respecting mutual rights, and asking to be treated with respect, in a marriage. Assertiveness in you is basically, having the self-confidence to be yourself. Learning how to stand up for yourself means being honest. And your husband is not respecting that. So you have choices on which path to take...now it's up to you to decide which is the more sensible happier path for 'you. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 May 2009):
It only stops when you are married if you don't marry a jerk.
It's not like you are in your 50's and just found this out.
You can do it, you just have to stop messing about and make a big to do list of HOW to do it.
Don't waste your time on bitterness, just accept you made a mistake in going through with the wedding and move on from it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, unhappynewlywed +, writes (19 May 2009):
unhappynewlywed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for replying.
I have got an ok secure job as a civil servant(thank god) and i also have some inheritance money that my grandma left me which she insisted i keep for myself in my own savings bond. I know that leaving is going to be the best option deep down, but i just cant believe i have to start all over again. I thought when u married someone that meant u didnt have to worry about all this, Feel so mad with him for doing this. He says IM the one who has changed as i now 'answer him back' or argue with him!!! Can you believe it! He is right, i HAVE changed because im not going to sit there and take it!! He asked me why i wasnt crying once after telling me he wanted me out of HIS house. He said "see, u HAVE changed, you would have been crying normally if i had said that".
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 May 2009):
If you want kids then you have to be pretty decisive.
If we set a deadline of 35 to get pregnant by (for fertility reasons) then you have 7 years to either:
a) stay with him, stay miserable in what you know is an abusive relationship, get pregnant, have kids and then just hope that he doesn't decide to trade you in for a younger model and leave you with nothing.
OR you take the clever and obvious option.
b) Get a job if you don't have one, get some cash behind you, move out into a little rental place. It doesn't have to be nice as you can move somewhere better later. Then DIVORCE your husband. Get your life in order. Find a nice place to live and a better job and start dating. Meet new man and get married and then have kids.
7 years is more than enough time to take option B in. But the sooner you act the better so get a job that pays ANYTHING and look on rightmove.co.uk for a place you can afford to rent.
Sell your wedding dress and anything else you have that is definitely yours and get the cash in a savings account in your name.
You can do this. It will be hard but you can do it. Even working in Tescos for a few months till something better comes up has to be better if you know you are working towards happiness and children with a decent man.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, confwom  +, writes (19 May 2009):
 Dont let this situation continue in your life. I think he is taking advanatage that you wont leave him whatever he does. Next time if he says he has given you everything, tell him that he hasn't given you what he is supposed to give (love/sex/support)you. Try to make him understand you want a good family life with him, kids and move on in life. If he doesn't listen to you or atleast not trying to make it for counseling, tell him you are moving out of this relationship no matter he cries or whatever he says.
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A
female
reader, mandyyyy +, writes (19 May 2009):
that makes me so mad how dare someone tell you youre not sexy and millions of women would die to be with him thats crap i recon he loves control people who manage and control jobs 9 times out of 10 are control freaks in all areas of their lives personally i would divorce i would let no one speak to me like that you should respect yourself and tell that b****** where to shove it
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