A
female
age
41-50,
*b6471
writes:I have been married for 9 years Together for 13 years my husband was always in charge of everything he made all the decisions I will always be the good wife and just sit back whatever he wanted he got. These last couple of years I changed I started to hate myself for what I let happen. I started speaking my mind arguing more and threathing to end this when he does something wrong mostly when he goes off and does something without asking me first. What do I do I feel really bad when this happens but then I don't want to be controlled I hate that. I tell him he says he understands how I feel and he was a jerk back then but then I see somethings happening like in the past not as bad but I don't want to let it get that way we love each I know that Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): first of all, good for you for finally waking up and taking a stand for yourself!! of course he is going to flip out when you stand up for yourself, he is so used to bossing you around and you being a doormat. When control freaks don't get their way anymore, they freak out.You need to stay strong and not give in. if you give in again and fall back into old patterns of behavior it reinforces to him that he just needs to escalate his control tendencies and you will once again give in.However this can also create the new problem that you talk about which is now there is a lot of conflict. Previously things were peaceful - because you always gave in so there was no conflict or arguing. But obviously that was tearing you down inside so now that you stand up for yourself he doesn't like it so now there's conflict.First remember that this is still better than the old status quo of you being bullied into submission. Now how to handle it. He has to learn to deal with it. in grained patterns of behavior don't change overnight, they take time, so both of you need patience. you may need the help of a counselor to teach you both new ways to communicate with each other. however one thing I want to caution is that often, control freakishness is a trait that people find very hard to let go of. you can't change other people, he has to want to change on his own.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 December 2010):
 Deep breath. Even being upset is no excuse to not use punctuation... You're over 30, so come on.
ANYWAY
So, he's making efforts to change. That's a good sign. Change doesn't happen over night. It takes time, and if you let this go for a long time, then he didn't know it was a problem for all that time. Have you two tried some councelling? Do you have regular discussions? Or does everything just come to a blow up fight when the bottle where you're putting your emotions bursts?
Address these problems before they get out of hand. Stay calm and rational. Remind him that a marriage is a partnership and partners need to have equal input.
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