A
female
age
36-40,
*ngellove
writes:My boyfriend has recently broken up with me. We were in a relationship for more than 4 years, this being the 5th year. (Additional Info:- He was my first ever boyfriend and he said I was his first too. At the beginning we had a wonderful relation but slowly things did get annoying, especially coz he was over possessive and insecure, he wanted me to stop talkin to guys that he didnt like from my friend circle n preferred me to wear what he wants me to. We did have arguments in these 4 years of relation but somehow always sorted things out and got back together again and we also had real good times as well and being good support for each other at the same time. At the start he complained about me hanging out with friends more than being with him n wen i did do what he wanted me to he was happy with it. I changed so much about me just to see him happy but later when he kept expecting too much, i stopped doing it as he was never satisfied.(This nearly continued for 3 yrs)In the fourth year, we then went out for further studies, he was the only friend I had there, did make friends but we two always had mutual friends, but then he started getting bored of it and saying hang out n make new friends with girls. He just never tried to understand the situation, so I let him hang around with his friends who r my friends too and use to spend time on my own. In this course of time he tried to break up with me many times saying that he needs some space and we could get back together if he we wants to later, at the start I was really hurt but slowly tried to get out of it, but he himself tried to patch up again. Every time he broke up he gave different reasons, another being that I wasn't ready to lose my virginity to him before marriage (but its not that I never changed my thoughts to keep him happy, we use to be physical coz he really wanted to n it wasnt fair on my part so i did whatever made him happy except for losing my virginity to him, at the beginning he was ok with it but later this kept bothering him). Somehow he himself patched up again and he was normal.In all these years we were never apart as we studied the same course and in the same college/university. But last year in November 2010 he had to go back home and I wasn't able to and had to stay back (we both come from the same town), so it happened to be a long distance relationship. We spoke almost everyday and missed each other too but slowly things started changing, in december I broke up with him temporarily coz I wanted him to change his rude behaviour and abusive tone regarding my sister and her bf, who has nothing to do with him, its a bit coz he thinks he is perfect n all others useless.. so i told him till u dnt stop behaving like dis we wnt b together, but we still spoke as friends, later i myself cldnt take it and wanted to welcum the new year without such fights, so i sorted tings out and told him to stop behaving that way n get back without such arguments n he was fine with it. But days after that he started avoiding me, if i called he would say my mum is der n cut the call n so on (my parents and his parents knew about us being in a relationship). After pleading him to let me know the reason of avoiding me and asking him if he found sum1else, he in turn asked me if i would lose my virginity to him wen he gets back here after few months, n gav me two options saying, if yes then we continue, if no than we gotta move on... I was really hurt n said no coz i felt if he truly loved me, he would never keep such terms. So v stopped talking but he called me or mailed me weneva he felt n I spoke as a friend politely n helped him weneva he wanted, but if i did the same not for help but just to share my problems or just general talk, he showed attitude n lack of interest. 2 days back, I happened to call him again n he spoke very rudely, i asked him y he treats me like an enemy n b so rude even after me being polite n there for him as a friend wen ever he needed n accepted the breakup without saying nothing. He then later told me another reason for the break up was because his mother didn't like my family, and even if he wants to be with me he cannot coz of this,,so i asked him what is my mistake in that n y u getting all this now, after 5 yrs, n he said um not saying that its my mistake or yours, its just the family and also the previous reason he gave was a secondary reason (of losing my virginity to him)... after that he kept talking nasty things about my family n using abusive language and after which I was so annoyed and hurt at the same time (his mother got some misconception about my uncle and sum irrelevant things n my bf also spoke ne crap without evn confronting me about it, my parents are much well to do dan his parents, n he n his mother think they hv the highest standard in comparison to us, without even getting to know my parents. I poured my heart out n tried to explain but all what he said was,,, "y u being dis way,, just to get back together,, just dont act like a kid, grow up and move on, may be if u didnt keep ur old fashioned thoughts wen u were going out with me about losing ur virginity after marriage dan i would think about it and leave the family thing aside". I told him I will move on, n i wasnt being in contact to get back together, it was only coz i at least wanted to have u in my life as a friend, coz dat is how i am,, i dint want to end it by cmpltly stop spkin n in a bad way.. but guess he dsnt want to.Really heart broken... I am here alone far away from family and friends too which is making me feel even worse. I know I need to move on but right now i feel so terrible n not knowing how to give it a fresh start. All my friends back home say that he will repent sumday n feel sorry for himself for kicking me out of his life this way coz he will never get ne1 better than me.. whatever it is,, even though I know that he isn't right after speaking ill about my family, um still hurt coz i truly luvd him and had decided to spend my life with him and feel so hurt that i m in pain n he is feeling nothing about it (Though it was he who proposed to me n was so madly in luv with me at the start but now changed so much, just feel as if he never loved me coz the reasons he gave me are so preposterous, even after knowing the fact that i was very serious about our relation n would spend my life with him n nobody else). :'( Sorry for keeping it so long
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broke up, get back together, got back together, heartbroken, insecure, long distance, move on, needs some space Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Angellove +, writes (14 April 2011):
Angellove is verified as being by the original poster of the question As I read through your reply,, at the start I felt really sad facing the facts and the truth but as I continued reading, it kept getting a smile on my face... I will do exactly what u have advised me :)...
I so want to know if I was wrong telling these personal things to few of my close friends, did I do anything wrong?, jus wannin to feel lighter so Id shared it wid my close frnz...
Another thing being, when he broke up wid me, i was totally depressed, and during this time I was working at a place, just as a part time job, I made some frnz, 1 friend being a person I knew before working there, as he is related to some ppl i knw..(but neva spoke much b4). He was very caring and advised me with my problems as he is quite elder to me,n the ppl i knw told him to tk care of me at work,,, I took him to be like a good frnd,, at work he use to crack jokes, make evry1 laugh, flirt wid every gal includin me, n he said dat don mind but dis is my nature, so i was fine since he use to b very joyful n the same wid all,,,evn after v finished workin der, v continued to b in touch, ... But slowly he started saying that he has feelings for me n would wnt to b wid me for long term n marry me, he evn said dat I knw u r attracted to me but its jus the way u r, dat is y u aint acceptin it, (For this I told him dat, may b I am attracted to u but its jus coz u r really caring, u shw some affection n respect towards me n nothin else),,n he even said dat my ex n I neva loved eachother n it was jus coz v both were use to eachoter (he knws my ex too),,, n he kept getting closer n doin unacceptable things,, he spoke in such a manner, dat sutimes i actualy felt he isnt lying n is very honest bou wha he feels(by the tone, expression on his face, sumtimes as if he was bou to cry), But after thinking carefully,, I told him dat I wasnt interested at all n wld respect if he treated me only as a frnd, n since I have jus broken up I do not wnt to b in a relationship wid nobody, another reason being dat he was married(twice)n um not the types who wld eva wreck ne1s house (n the reason i dint tell his wife or ne1 is coz if i did dat it wld ruin their relation n i din want dat n he also trusted me wid his feelings,,, Infact i also told him dat u evn thinking such a thing is a sin n shld b truthful to ur wife n from den I stopped meeting him evn if he asked, he evn said,"I had made up my mind long bac bou dis evn b4 meetin u,,so if its not u dan i would marry/b wid sum1 else in future if i felt she was right, coz um not happy wid my wife"...I told him many times dat as a frnd i advise dnt eva do it, but dan he said dat he understands dat um saying it for their gud but his big enuf to decide wht he wnts n by forcin himself to b in the relation his hurtin him n his wife indirectly...
This is the first time i eva experienced such a thing, but um thankful to god dat i dint fall for it n took an u turn on time....But he den said dat he respects my decision so I continued spkin to him weneva he called only and maintained my distance, coz I felt he was jus tryin to get close and knowing the type of person dat I am, Jus felt I was taken advantage of. Now he spks to me as a frnd only but sumtimes does get emotional n asks if i miss him but weneva he does it,, i ask him if his spkin as a frnd or what? n if not as a frnd dan obviously No n avoid n change the topic n show dat um not interested. (I totatlly shw dat I aint interested but he still continues to hv me as a frnd, so I jus respect his friendship)... Is it wrong to continue to be frnz wid this man?,,,Am i to be blamed for nethin? (I cnt brk the frndship coz he made it clear dat if I dnt wnt him in my life dan its fine wid him but he expects me to atleast be his gud frnd foreva)...
My life has neva been in such a mess eva, this is the worst phase of my life, coz b4 dis I have neva been alone,, always had my family/ friends/ my boyfriend around me everytime...It feels like I am experiencing life now on my own n its happening coz God wants me to get stronger or sumthin and learn from my mistakes...
I am a too emotional person but at the same time I also know what is right and wrong... I so wanna change my nature,, I don wan to be too polite, too naive, too humble, too caring n too kind to others, n trust ppl very soon,, coz of which I have always been taken for granted and advantage of..... How do I change this nature of mine. It has lot to do wid the way I was brought up too... I was brought up by my grandparents n aunts as my parents worked abroad, and hence I have this mild nature as I grew like as if in a shell (overprotected), its not dat I hate myself, coz all ppl around me luv me for wha I am except for my ex, but I still wan to change these things bou myself, like have control over it... I dont knw if um makin ne sense to u... Jus cnt put it right. I wnt to really change these things bou me.
(Do u mind if I msg u once a day or wheneva I have to ask or tell sumthin, but u can reply me weneva u r free) ....Thank u sooooooo much once again... Feel really nice when I read what u have to say n advise me... :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Hun, read what you have written out because you have answered all of your own questions that you are asking..."y is dat u r happy wid me only while being physical n otherwise u dnt like spendin time wid me n all dat,,,Your answer is staring you in the face- n he always replied saying, its nothing the way u think, n i love u alot but u can think whteva u wan n so on"Meaning- his main focus is pleasing himself but he does not want the 'only' lady who does that to stop, so he used the magic words every woman wants to hear 'i LOVE u'!! he does not truly love you because he tells you "but u can think whteva u wan n so on"My reply- in a 'real loving healthy' relationship, a man will always make sure you are as happy as him in all things you share and go on to explore what can connect and bond your love for each other in more ways than just getting frisky. LOVE is everything from understanding how to communicate, agreeing to diasgree and respecting each others opinion, enjoying each other company without always being physical, building goals and dreams that lead to the same destination-being together, amongst many beautiful things you will discover with a person who feels the same and also 'making love' which encompasses all that you feel. You have been intimate with 1 man and that is the only person you trusted to share 'love physically'. You are so attached to him that any small compliment will make you feel amazing. This is where sex and love is confused. Sex/ sexual acts are what anyone can do with anyone. Love is when you can completely 'give' yourself to someone you consider special and know that they also make you feel like a very special person in their life. Stand by what you want in life (your v), a really special person will appreciate this when you feel ready to be with him physically (regardless of being married or not).BTW it is nobodys business what you did/did not do, if anyone asks just say I realized I could do better than him (which is the truth) and right now am focussing on myself so please respect my wishes I do not want to discuss the past."Should I meet up once and the last time when i go?I dont even know if he would meet up coz days back when i told him i would be cumin n asked if he wld evn talk to me wen i came der,,,he said,, "not sure, il see bou dat"but I jus feel like meeting once (but makin it clear to him that the meeting is nothing to do with gettin back, as I too wanna move on)"Again you have replied to yourself-You may think that its so foolish on my part,,,My reply- when a relation ends people need 'closure' ie the final time to understand what went wrong and get things off your chest...be careful as this may be when you analyze the relationship with him and end up focussing on how 'much' you are still in love. If you choose to meet him or speak on the phone, state from the beginning why you are talking (you want some answers, clarify things, say goodbye etc) and stick to that agenda, do not get physical (no last kiss!), once 'you' are done say: I am sorry i ever hurt you and forgive you for all the things you did to me, thank you for all the memories and i pray all goes your way in life and do this like you mean it even if it hurts bad. Let it go, let it go...You then walk away and when you are in a better place promise yourself to be good to yourself and make sure any man you meet treats you like you want to be treated, an Angel!You have stated what you think i will think by saying 'its so foolish on my part' hun, I am not here to judge or tell you what is 'right'. The advice is given and only you can decide what is best for you because what you sow you will reap. One last piece(s) of advice if you really want to turn your life 360 degrees once you are willing/ready:Believe in yourself and what you are worth, what your time is worth and what your future is worth (A LOT!).Write down any ten goals you want to achieve for the year incl love life no matter how impossible and when you want that goal within the year and write it like you already achieved it eg I speak basic Japanese by October 2011.Every day spend 1 hour minimum on how you will do something that day to get closer to achieving these goals.Motivate yourself by imagining/seeing/visualizing/dreaming having achieved all goals.When you are 6 months into this, have a look at how far you have come. If you are yet to achieve any goal then you atleast know you are halfway there and you can do it!Hun, you are a star shining bright, not every man will see your beautiful light. keep the faith in good things yet to come your way and some day you will dazzle a guy. :)
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A
female
reader, Angellove +, writes (12 April 2011):
Angellove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts very true!! I did ask for advice bcoz i wanna be in a better situation and feel positive bou myself. He feels that without him I will be completely lost. I wan to show him that I can be happy and in fact better without him. All that you have mentioned is so true... I will definitely try doing what all you have advised me with.
You are so right that he has bashed up all my self confidence and my self esteem. I dont blame him for everythin though coz it was both of us that were inexperienced, as u said. The only complain I have with him is dat he was neva honest with his feelings coz now i feel as if it was all about getting physical,,,,,yes it is natural, n its not dat i dint let him be physical wid me at all, understandng his point of view, i did try keepin him happy, and he did enjoy it as he said... I only wannin him to respect dat 1 decision... Many a times he too said that I understand it completely and respect dat n very lucky to hv a gal like me n he too wld wnt to keep it special aftr marriage but sometimes he spoke opp. He was neva stern with what he said, kept fluctuatin.. ,,and this being another reason I neva wanted to lose my virginity to him, as I had doubts at times, coz he use to be very polite and happy wid me only wen he use to get physical otherwise he neva cared, like if i wanted to have a talk or go out may b jus for a walk wid him (neva expected too much), he neva enjoyed it/ liked doin it,,but other dan being physical wid me wht kept him joyful was hanging out wid other frnz or playin comp games, which I respected, though it use to get annoying sumtimes when he use to cross the limits but i still tried to keep my calm. I even asked him y is dat u r happy wid me only while being physical n otherwise u dnt like spendin time wid me n all dat,,,n he always replied saying, its nothing the way u think, n i love u alot , but u can think whteva u wan n so on,,,n the way he spoke i felt dat he really meant it and also sometimes bein very loving,,so i kept my doubts aside thinking dat all relationships cant be 100% perfect n u gotta accept the good AND the flaws too... (To mention that weneva we had fights he did raise his hands on me MANY times n sumtimes wen i cldnt take it I too have raised my hands on him at times but most of the times when it got out of control id hurt myself dan hurtin him)...
Days back he even tried asking me who all I told bou us breaking up and the reason he gave (stressin more on the virginity issue not family).. Its natural dat frnz will ask y it all hpnd. However, I told this personal sensitive thing to only 4 of my close friends, my sister and his cousin, whom I take as my brother (i shared coz i was dead n depressed, did i do ne wrong?)... But when he asked me whom all I told I said dat i shared it wid my sister and his cuzn,, I dint tell bou the other frnz (mutual frnz) coz he was like, I swear, il bring chaos in urs n ur family's life n all dat, so I was scared for my family, coz his a person who can go to any extent if enraged and is very manipulative...
I will be going home for 1 month vacation, I was thinking whether I should meet him, coz this all happened on phone or through chats... Just wanted to meet him in person once, not coz I want to get back together BUT to see if he can spk to me bou all dis the same way as he chatted n also wntd to clarify the family issue for my family,n clear his misconceptions n NOT to clarify bou me n him... Sumwer i feel dat IF I WAS THERE N NOT HERE when all dis hpnd, he WOULDN'T be dis way n wld try to sort things out wid me n not listened to his mother.. (he neva was dat close to his mum or listened to her, coz he told me dat she neva understood him, he is very close to his dad though, i hv met his dad many times n mum too n i love n respect his dad so much coz he is a nice man n he likes me too.. Wheneva my bf got angry wid his mum, i always told him not to spk to her rudely, coz no matter how she is, shez still ur mum, i always respected his family)...To be honest I had been dying to see him jus once, even though it might have to be from far. You may think that its so foolish on my part,,, but I jus feel like meeting once (but makin it clear to him that the meeting is nothing to do with gettin back, as I too wanna move on)... No matter what all he did in the past, i always felt he was my soulmate,,,,could be coz he was the first guy i had eva been with and I was too naive about everything n had a thought of one man woman,,, I dont knw y...
Should I meet up once and the last time when i go? I dont even know if he would meet up coz days back when i told him i would be cumin n asked if he wld evn talk to me wen i came der,,,he said,, "not sure, il see bou dat"... (he had told this before he got up the family issue)...N if he dsnt wan to dat um totally fine wid it as well....
I will definitely do all that you have advised me... Thanks alot dear for spendin ur precious time replyin me... :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Before you read on I will ask this, why have you posted your problem? Keep your answer aside and continue reading...
Angel, any relationship that comes to an end after much energy, love and time has been invested will feel like the end of the world esp this being your first love. Things may have been amazing in the beginning but think about it, you two had a lot in common, same town, common friends, same uni, course etc which did not give you time apart to develop as individuals, discover your true selves and enjoy other experiences. THIS is exactly why your ex became insecure and overpossesive. When people are 'mature' they trust their loved ones and understand some time apart will keep the relationship thriving. But because you loved him and were both inexperienced you changed your character over the years to suit whatever he was feeling. You may not like this but it was 'natural' that he wanted to be physical however he should have respected your choice or been honest early on and gone his way. He kept pushing for sex and was not getting it thats why he acted like a jerk and treated you so badly. As for his abusive behaviour towards you and people you care for, it just shows how much he does NOT care about you. The arguments were created by him to break up with you as he was clearly not getting any goodies. This is the BIG SIGN you should have spotted that the relationship is over it is called a deal breaker. People who stay friends afterwards are headed for disaster as they are together/breaking up all the time UNLESS they can really benefit from staying friends. In your case it is absolutely a NO-NO as he wants sex and you don't. He will keep you hanging on until you give in and chances are when he gets what he wants he will use sex to control you even more than he already is...this is not LOVE!!! Woman to woman trust me please when I say do not waste one more minute on him you WILL REGRET IT. Most people build their own 'hell on earth' with drama, drama, drama. Do you want to be in his version of hell?
Be selfish and think only about yourself for one week, if you looked back 5 years to now where would see yourself?
Unhappy, crying, changing your values and character, fighting, hurting all the time BECAUSE OF HIM....OR meeting new guy and girl friends, experiencing things for the first time with people you can laugh with, have fun going out to events, learning that YOU make your own happiness and life and may be even meeting someone who wants to share the same views and fall in love?
Now tell me what answer did you give at the beginning...so you posted to ask for help because you want to be in a better situation..right?
If you decide to BECOME the person who is worth so much more (YOU ARE!) then follow these steps:
1. Accept that all these things are in the past. Stop ALL contact with this tosser which will be hard as he'll try to be sweet and make you feel guilty but remember YOU are moving on to better things in life, you are so young!
2. Build up your self esteem and confidence by making new friends, talking to your family, going out, doing 'girly' things like make over, basically think about all the things you would like to do for yourself, anything write it all down and invest energy into yourself. He has bashed all your self believe but the good news is YOU control your life and you can create NEW BEAUTIFUL dreams by improving your self-worth!
3. Do not go out with a guy for 3 months, no getting to know a guy well or giving any the time of the day, keep em as mates. YOU need space and time to look after you first and find your 'inner true self' and realize what you are all about. Being with the ex, you never has opportunity to have fun and just relax by yourself. This is your chance!
YOUR LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT THE INSTANT YOU TAKE CONTROL and by asking for help you have taken the first step. Hun, i wish you all the best WHEN you take the journey forward...
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