A
male
age
36-40,
*eaf4eva
writes:HI! Been with my girlfriend now for nearly a year (11 months to be exact)like any couple we have our ups and downs but latley im having trouble trying to work out if she still loves me or just really stressed out.she has become difficult to talk too the last couple of weeks it all started around late december when everytime we would try to arrange something it always backfired so far it has been the weather,car breakdowns, family and work commitments all this in a space of a week and yes i was the one that got angry spoke my mind and spoke to her like she was rubbish that was my fault i was being selfish and we worked through it now when we talk on the phone the last few weeks she seems a little distant when we talk but when together everything is just amazing .But the last couple of weeks she has become stressed (like i said above)because of her work ,dogs,setting up her business and college assignments.she keeps saying she is gonna fail because her teammates are backing out of the work and imo leaving her to pick up the extra work. Last night we spoke and i said " i got something to help you" another friend of mine did the same course 3-4 years ago so i asked her if she still had the notes yes was the reply so i had them emailed to me. i told my girlfriend this and she went mental saying 1st line " so you think im stupid" why did you do that? " Nice to know your telling your friends im struggling?" i ment no harm i just didnt want her to fail because other people couldnt pull their weight she works so hard it just upsets me and today now i have no reply from her at all her we have had probs with our phones on both networks of late neither of us recieve them now and again but her face book today just has a simple :( face on on it and pics have gone up. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, deaf4eva +, writes (14 March 2013):
deaf4eva is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again ! i spoke to her last night for about an hour did everything in both advice colums before i read the latest one i didnt back down "she explaind shes proud its amatter of pride and wants to do things like this on her own steam she didnt agree with me asking a friend she didnt know for help on the subject .She said "why?" and "dont you understand me?" I explained to her "because i dont like seeing you stressed and i just wanted to live upto what you think a partner should be! no harm intended i just didnt want to see you telling yourself your gonna fail if you see it as a matter of trust talking to someone who has been there and done that course and passed for help thats your opinion not fact but i did this out of pure love for you thats the way i am " i think i did upset her as i could hear her voice it sounded like she was trying to cry (and in truth it hurt me too)thanks again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): Janniepeg is a great resource here. Though i must add my own advice from personal experience. In a way i identify with your girlfriend, but I will spare you an evaluation of my own psyche. Judging from what you're saying, these behaviors are more about your girlfriend than you. See "reaction formation" as referenced by J. My advice, and the "technique" that worked on me is this: 100% reassure your commitment to the relationship/tell her how much you love her... and then proceed to stick up for yourself and tell her how her behavior makes/made you feel. NEVER EVER EVER give a sense that this behavior is likely to make you leave. Or even possible. She needs to feel both secure and empowered. It won't be an immediate fix. But with patience you can transition into a real source of stability for her and a "safe" person to go to when she is stressed and feeling out-of-control. Remember, her last relationship stole her control. You are in a very unique position to give it back to her. Just remember, stay supportive and steadfast. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can bring out the side of her that wants to create a nurturing and loving relationship. You seem like a great boyfriend. If it doesn't work out (and it might not! she might not be there yet) trust that you will find happiness in the future. You deserve someone who loves you and is concerned about you as you are them.
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A
male
reader, deaf4eva +, writes (13 March 2013):
deaf4eva is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much ! A lot of what you said i have thought myself before i post on here it was good to know that it just isnt me.When she told me what happenened to her i thought she was building a wall to stop getting hurt again i have been through the same in the past (always been cheated on) I never opened up to anyone like i have with her but 11 months later here we are I think i just need to give her a bit of space now and again and encourage her to have a social life with her friends or do more outdoor things to take her mind off work :) thank you again
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 It sounds like she put up a wall and developped a strong woman persona to protect herself. It is reaction formation from what happened in her past. She thinks being smart and independent will prevent her from getting hurt by jerks. Now I see that this is not her real personality. It is a front and actually a lot of baggage. I know you want to help her but you still have to care for your own well being. You can't excuse her selfishness. A certain amount or respect is expected in a relationship, basic things like punctuality. If her pain is so consuming that she can't think of others' needs then she needs to work on herself first, and not hide underneath school and work. When people don't want to deal with pain they engage in an addiction. School and work obviously sound better than drugs and alcohol, but at the end the root of the issue is not dealt with.
When a person is stubborn, the only option is to burn out then surrender, or whichever one comes first.
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A
male
reader, deaf4eva +, writes (12 March 2013):
deaf4eva is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that ! can i add another part to this story ?in the past she was in a abusive relationship 3 years before we met! her boyfriend of 2 years (at the time)beat her up ,locked her in their house,cut the phone wire ,read her msn and emails, miss work, and made her loose all her friends (one of her friends being my sisters fiance hence how me and her met) real control freak ! im the longest boyfriend she has had since that idiot !her last 2 cheated on her is she just worried that il turn out like her ex so shes not able to except my help or from any man(trust issues) . Yes i do love her and she does tell me she loves me too on the phone and face to face . Is there a way to deal with overacheivers?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 March 2013):
The words I would describe her would be overachiever, workaholic, a do-it-all, independent to a fault, and cares about image a lot. A person who thrives on stress. She likes to get herself so busy that she can brag and complain about her busyness. She doesn't actually want your help. She may think that achieving in life earns her love and acknowledgment. She measures her self worth with grades, money, and intelligence. So when you helped her she didn't like it because you are revealing her weakness to other people, which wasn't really.
In your post you do not sound like a needy clingy boyfriend. You have concerns and reasons to be upset. Being productive is good, but not to a point when you miss loved ones' appointments and ignore their needs.
Everybody has varying levels of stress in their lives. If she is this way now, when she marries and have children her stress will not go down. You are still supposed to be at a honeymoon stage. If this is how she is behaving now, you can expect the following years she will be the same way, or worse. You will just become a verbal punching bag of her stress, and become neglected because there is always something else more important.
Saying she doesn't love you is not exactly accuate. She just does not give relationships a priority as most of us do. People can always defend the importance of academia. If she is so busy then she should not have involved in a relationship, which is more like an obstacle and distraction to her.
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