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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there,I am very concerned about a friend of mine.She is english and is living and working in a resort in Turkey. Last year she got married to her turkish boyfriend, so they have been married not even a year yet. However I went there for a month this summer to visit her and her husband. He owns a bar which is open all night.What I saw was not good. He has been cheating on her ,quite a lot! I have seen him kissing other girls at the bar and often disappearing with them for hours at a time!! She hardly ever goes there - do you think this is the reason why because she knows what he is up to? I can't believe it as they are not yet married a year and this is already going on! Why did he marry her if he is doing this? I worry he may have married her to get into the UK easily!I haven't told her what I have seen as I think it will deeply upset her especially being over there with not many other english people around. Also I assume she will want a divorce if she knows what is going on.They don't see each other that much as she works all day and he works all night, it seems all rather weird.What would you do in my shoes?x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): I recommend that you tell your friend, don't let her live her life this way, it would break her heart to find out that you knew and never told her. I don't want to encourage you to sneak around and spy, but i would recomend that you get some proof before you approach your frind. Get some photos of him with the other women, kissing and touching etc. Otherwise you may find he may try to convince her that you are lying or trying to ruin there relationship. Don't give him the chance to convince her that he isn't cheating. I know that i didn't believe my partner was cheating even though people warned me, only when i saw absolute proof that he couldn't talk his way out of did i see that he was liar and a cheat. And most of all be there for her after, don't say i told you so, give her a cuddle and help her rebuild her life. Goodluck, and don't doubt yourself. She needs to know.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree that this is very wrong it doesn't matter about the culture! Why is it other turkish men don't feel the need to cheat on their wives and instead are very devoted to them.
Also I must say that there is one particular lady who he seems to pay a lot of attention to and I think they have known each other for some years, so his brother said. Longer than he has known his wife (my friend)! As I think this woman lives there in the summer. I went there to visit my friend with my boyfriend (we were staying with my friend and her husband in their house)and we even saw him and this other woman out together during the day in the town when my friend was working!! They didn't see us and I must say they looked more than friendly! Another thing is he came to the Uk in the winter but for most of the time he was here on his own without her! x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2006): I agree with the other poster. You need to let your friend know as none of what is going on is good for her. Yes it may result in the marriage ending but it sounds as though that might be a good thing for your friend.If you were in the position she is in what would it be that you'd want her to do? I bet you'd probably want to be informed of the unfaithfulness that is going on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2006): I worked abroad at a holiday resort for a couple of years and the same sort of things were going on. Many of the male bar/restaurant owners who were married, were openly having sex with the female tourists. The main reason being that it brings in the female customers. Not only that if the girls enjoyed the flattery and attention then it was certain that they would visit the same old bar the following year to see if 'so n so' was still running it and maybe bring a few more friends along to spend money. These guys know that the girls engaging with them are only out for some fun as they're on holiday and may have partners at home too.It's a totally different culture out there, it's common for the wives to turn a blind eye to their husbands indescretions as it is helping to bring in the money for the family but some of them don't. Also as tourism is only part of the year, then the bar owners have to make hay while the sun shines..make enough money to last through the winter. I could well imagine that your friend knows all about it. But I would be inclined to mention jokingly that her husband was a terrible flirt and see what her reaction was. What you have to remember it's a totally different country and culture. Your friend realised this too when she chose to marry him. I don't think that if he is running a successful bar,making money and obviously enjoying himself that he would have married her for easy access to the UK. It's more likely that he married her for status among his friends.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2006): Whether he married your friend to get into the U.K. easily or not, he has no right to behave like this! If he's having sex with other women on such a casual basis, then with his wife, she could be at risk of sexual disease. You should talk to her about this, urge her to get tested, then apply for a divorce! I know this will be very hard, but surely better than what she's living with right now - a guy who is using her, a real scumbag.
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