A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for some perspective on my situation.From age 19-27, I was together with someone but due to our religious upbringings, age difference, etc., and the fact that both of us didn't believe in premarital sex, we never had sex with each other. We always had fun together, and were best friends, and I asked her to marry me, but she wasn't ready at the time. A series of misunderstandings led to a breakup and we both found our first sexual experiences with the next people that came along, and hadn't spoken for 8 years.In my case, I met a young lady who had just returned from bootcamp (she'd joined the Army reserve) to find used condoms and heroin needles in her bed, a notice on the door that she was being evicted in 3 days, and a note from her husband telling her he was leaving (in case she hadn't figured it out, apparently). She was still married, and has told me she was just out "looking for a piece of ass" when she met me. I lost my virginity to her and we began a very intense relationship, and a year later, we got married. I think I am the best thing to happen to her life. We don't have any children, though we've tried every kind of fertility treatment available. Until a year ago, I was quite content, though. She has been a great friend and partner, and though there is love in our relationship, I have always secretly hoped my first love would come back into my life. I have always felt that I might as well make the best of things with her since I lost my true love.And last year this person looked me up on MySpace and sent me a note asking how things were going. And we started emailing each other. All very innocent. I felt so glad to have this person back in my life, even as a friend. And I have been careful to make sure there is a clear boundary in what we talk about and not to betray my wife's trust. She was in a relationship for a few years, and then her boyfriend started using drugs, so she left, went back to school, and discovered her passion for helping children with learning disabilities. And I think I have fallen in love with her all over again, and even more deeply than when we were younger. Our friendship is so much deeper than the one I have with my wife.I know she feels the same way and I know she is lonely and has told me she has no interest in dating anyone right now. And she has told me she is finally ready to have children and raise a family. I know I am in love with her, and I am so torn. I feel empty and lonely even in my wife's arms. I don't find joy in our sex life, though I fake it and keep her satisfied. And I am afraid to talk about it with her, because no matter what I say it will only hurt her feelings. Our relationship seems so empty and superficial now. She has been nothing but good to me, and I feel so guilty for wanting to leave. But I know in my heart we are not the right people for each other, that we probably got married to be able to have sex without guilt, and that I truly belong with my first love.I am ready to leave, but she tells me every day that I am the best thing in her life. I feel so fake. Like I am betraying myself, like I am betraying my wife, and betraying my first love. I feel like I should file for divorce, and try to get together with my first love. But I can't tell her anything about it because I don't want her to be painted as a homewrecker or would-be adulteress. She has done nothing wrong but look up an old friend.Apparently, the divorce rate for people that reconcile and reunite with their first love later in life have a 1.5% divorce rate. To me, that says something and gives me hope.My overarching theory in life is: figure out what you should be doing and do it. And if you figure out you're doing something you shouldn't be, stop doing it. But everything in our society says what I'm thinking about doing is very wicked and evil.Any kernels of wisdom? Anyone else faced a simlar dilemma?-Torn
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Go for it. I am in a similar situation, but I have 3 kids and my o it now before kids. You will always wonder, "what if...." Just do it, if it doesnt' work out, you will know and have no regrets.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Your story is heartbreaking. I don't know what to say. Should you really have started a friendship with her again? How do you know for sure unless you meet her...and you could have a little fantasy in your mind, but the reality could be quite different. Could you live with yourself all the consequences to follow.
I know this is hard, especially if you're wanting children. I don't know what else to say, but can offer you a prayer. Take care.
p.s. you really shouldn't have married your wife to 'save' her. It's not fair to her or to you...
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A
female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 im experiencing some of the same...and personally i don't think you should let this opportunity pass you by...
i do have one question though...were these feelings of emptiness present before you reunited with your 1st love? if so then you know you're not feeling like this just because of the reuniting.
i say go for it...you're not getting any younger...and even though your wife will be hurt, in the end she will respect you for telling her instead of cheating on her behind her back...
another question...does your 1st love feel the same way about you as you feel about her????i hope so especially when you're considering leaving your wife...
go for it dude...i've been trying to reunite with my 1st love for almost 3yrs...he says we've grown out of each other...when in reality (to me) he's the first and last out of my 28yrs here on earth that i've experienced that unconditional, pure LOVE. it's kind of indescribeable.
best hopes
~T~
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