A
female
age
36-40,
*apple_a_day
writes:Here is a letter my "fiance" sent me.. we have a 21 month old daughter have been together for 3 years. Please read it and let me know if I should bother trying to work this out. thank you.----(from him)So let's cut the crap.I don't like you. I think you're a manipulative, deceitful, self-serving child whose priorities seldom move past the desire to have your ego stroked. When faced with a problem or a concern that involves you, you typically favor deliberate, strategic evasion and outright malevolence over reason, communication, and the desire to see the problem solved. You fire off insults and sarcasm at genuine attempts to reach past your enormous, frail ego and resolve conflict with you. When you finally get under my skin enough to give up your "rebel without a clue" act and see that your behavior is entirely counterproductive, you scramble to act like a sensible person just long enough to gain my trust back. You are a self-informed, jealous paranoiac who refuses to acknowledge any goodness in me, any honesty in my intentions, or any validity to my own thoughts and feelings, unless that acknowledgment will get you praise in return. You perpetuate this air of accusation and defense therefrom in order to hide the truth about you. That truth being that you are hugely insecure. You're not pretty enough for yourself, you're not smart enough for yourself, you are not ENOUGH for yourself, YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOURSELF. You try to drown that insecurity by incessantly clambering for my approval, attention, and arousal, even in the wake of the most epic communication failures I have ever experienced with another person. And when yout entire maniacal stream of tactics cascades down around you in a heap, you blame me.I used to like you. A lot. Hell, I loved you so, so much. You were my Dreeeeeeam girl, man. And not because you liked girls; because the fact that you did meant you didn't see any girl as a threat to you. You were confident and funny and easy to hang out with and you took care of yourself. And I actually wanted to marry you when I said it, that one, ill-thought-out time. But you're a fuckin' monster now, bro. I mean, look at how you handle yourself. You can't even maintain a positive emotional relationship with yourself, and you honestly expect me to maintain one with you? Every time I give you my hand, you use it to pull me under the current with you.I have a daughter with you, thanks to your indifference toward my feelings and desires for my life. And, lucky for me, she's AMAZING. Don't sit here and console your apathy toward the quality of this relationship by saying that she'll be "fine either way". Are you fine? No, you're a fuckin' mess, and so am I. And the reason I've spent the past 2 years putting up with your horseshit is because she deserves to not be a mess, and to have both of her parents, more than anyone in the world does; because I have been waiting for you to pull your head out of your ass and realize what a precious family you could have if it didn't revolve around you.So, bluntly: I used to love you with every bone in my body, now I trust you to be a loving wife to me about as far as I can throw you, and I am wholly convinced you will try to destroy me in any way that you can as soon as it looks like it will feed that insatiable hole that sits where your self-worth should be. If you feel that anything I've said here is untrue, I challenge you to prove it, to me, your daughter, and yourself. I challenge you to prove it by being patient and caring toward me, to accept that the distance I've placed between you and me is a well-deserved answer to years of your antics, and to show that you really want me to love you again by allowing me the opportunity to fall back in love the girl I fell in love with in the first place, by surrendering this constant quest for my attention and letting her out from behind all that resentment once and awhile.I want to love you again.-Leif
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): I agree with sarcy24
I would also add that it took me 3 or 4 years of counselling to suddenly realise - like a light came on - that if I wanted my wife to change, I had to help. Previously, for 3 or 4 years, I would happily have written a letter like that one to my wife. As I've started to do some things differently (some pretty obvious things really: showing more affection etc), I've been surprised how much my wife has changed. It's a long road mind ....
Your partner is looking at you and insisting you change. What about him.... if you can get him to regular relationship counselling, perhaps he'll realise that he could help you by being more x y or z. It isn't easy being great when your relationship isn't nurturing.
I hope it works out
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 Well he clearly loves you very much or he wouldn't have bothered drawing up such a long well thought our well verbalised letter. He clearly doesn't want to lose you and has given you the opportunity in the last paragraph to turn things around. If you feel what he is saying is justified and you love him try to make a change. If on the other hand he drives you nuts and makes you behave in this matter and you don't want to change then let him go. Whatever you decide do not answer straightaway as quick responses in these situations are always angry and not well thought out.
I have had similar letters from men who are basically at the end of their tether with me, because I tend to push and push. I have found always a bit of distance helps if only just a day or so to let things calm down. It is a very angry letter and it appears that he doesn't think you behave like a normal rational person when faced with adversity. The problem with this kind of letter is that you may well be insecure and insult people etc when you are vexed but this is normally just a coping mechanism. Knocking you for this doesn't really help you to change your behaviour. He is disgusted by your behaviour and your manipulative ability to tone and down and behave 'correctly' when you think you might lose him. If these comments about you are true then you are very similar to me. The thing is in the main men like a smooth ride with a nice, loving caring woman who behaves decently at all times. Sadly i am not like that. I am volatile and disruptive at times and my husband hates it. All of us are different. I suggest keeping a lid on these feelings of anger or annoyance or vent when he is not around. If you want to keep him be calmer around him and more loving and keep quiet if you can't say something nice. Above all don't belittle him or people he cares about. This is all down to you as you can change these features with a bit of effort and self control. As he loves you so much and you have a daughter together I think it is worth a try. Good Luck xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 January 2010):
When a man takes this kind of step, genuinely, he's had enough. It's very easy to say he's a narcissist, but usually when a guy gets to this stage something is very wrong with the relationship. He wants to work it out, but clearly is terrified of your reaction. If what he has said in the letter is true, then you need to take a look at yourself. If not, then you're better without him in your life. But I would suggest to you that it's worth working out for the sake of your daughter.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 Is he Swedish? I thought Swedish people are very gentle!
Tell him he makes Swedish people look bad!
He did not accuse you of doing any thing wrong but he made you sound like a mortal sinner. You just basically had a conflict of communication. His letter is written in a very elaborate manner. It is very empty in meaning.
Every word he said about you could be applied to himself. It is possible it is mostly about himself. He is spiteful and is projecting his negativity upon you. He cannot handle his or your emotions.
You could be better off parenting your daughter yourself than to have him hate you.
He said it very clearly. He used to love you. Now he doesn't.
Has he even thought that you are insecure because you spent two years with him and he is constantly letting you down?
And that you are looking for approval because he needs to approve your behavoir?
He sounds like a narcissist.
You are better off parenting your daughter yourself.
Trust me, this is predictable: He is going to say you are nothing without him.
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