A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is this really the way that blokes behave with their friends?My story is a little complicated, but in a nutshell...I met up with an ex again after many years apart, we had both moved on in that time and are in new relationships. However when we met there was something still between us. At first he admitted this as much as me and we met only a handful of times, flirted, kissed, but no more. There was mutual attraction and we still fancied each other but equally acknowledged we could not progress things. The thing is we get on so well. He has been a good friend to me and I love spending time with him. He has said that if we were both single we would definitely be starting a relationship together but friends is all we can be and I understand that. The trouble is that when we first met up again he got in touch quite often, he returned my messages within a few days and I felt we kept in touch really well. The last time we met, I think he got a bit scared of the attraction and feelings that are there when we meet. Anyway since then he has been really distant. I called him twice about it saying I felt he was avoiding me, going cold etc. He said that wasn't the case. He said he would always be my friend and did not want to lose my friendship. He said we would meet again but he also had to acknowledge that we needed to try and keep it purely friendly. I said it was hard to do that when we fancy each other and as we only meet about 2 times a year, a bit of flirting and an odd kiss can surely be a bit of harmless fun. Anyway I also said I didn't think he was even treating me as a good friend like he claims to want to be with me as he leaves weeks/months after I message him and even then I have to message him again, he never initiates. He said that's how he is with all his friends, some he doesn't get in touch with for a year! But then they pick up where they left off. He then said I shouldn't take it personally and he is not consciously avoiding me but he is just rubbish at communicating. Is this really the way men are with mates? I can understand we can't be more but I really don't want to lose his friendship, but am confused by his behavior. He says he doesn't care about me in any other way than a friend and that he doesn't think about me etc. I also doubt this is true as the chemistry between us when we meet is unbelievable, we act like we have been together years and yet he claims to have no feelings.Why did he communicate and keep in touch so well at the start yet when he claims it is just friends and according to him always has been, does he stay distant? It has been 3 weeks since I sent himA message and I've heard nothing, what do I do?
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female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (21 August 2012):
 Unfortunately we can't always get closure. It just comes in time when we accept that it's over. I think what you miss is your feelings between each other and the chemistry, not so much missing a good friend. I think he does mean that he could be sad if he never heard from you again but he won't ever be able to talk or hang out on a regular basis, maybe just an email from time to time. And it is inappropriate to meet twice a year then flirt and kiss by the way, if he's in a relationship. I don't think anyone would want or accept their partner meeting with an old flame a couple times a year and kiss a little as harmless fun. He obviously wants to stay in his relationship and knows being around you makes it harder to be faithful. But that also means the chemistry you both feel isn't enough for him to leave his girlfriend over. You need to move on from the friendship even though it's hard. Even though he makes excuses and comments to be nice. Accept that it isn't going to be what you want. And someone who would never initiate contact or talk to you unless you do first isn't what you could consider a friend anyhow.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): Dear OP, It's much better to watch his actions than to listen to his words as these will give you a much accurate view of how he feels about you. Also, he is in a relationship, whether he's interested in you is neither here nor there, his actions are telling you he values his relationship more than the thought of a potential relationship with you. You need to move on with your life, and although people will tell you that you need to work on your relationship, you've stated that it's new, so I actually think you should get rid of your current relationship and start a new one with someone who makes you feel as this other man does as yoou obviously don't value your current relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose because he said my friendship meant a lot to him and he would always be my friend etc I am now confused as to how he can seemingly appear to not care less if I drop off the face of the earth. It's hard for me knowing he can move on with his life so easily and not give me a second thought. I'm also the kind of person who needs closure and at the minute I'm not getting that as I'm left dangling wondering if/when/after how mahy months he will be in touch again.
When I tried to say to him I might find it easier to let him go and walk away he said he would be very upset if he never heard from me again and lost me as a friend, but were these just words, because his actions don't match that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose because he said my friendship meant a lot to him and he would always be my friend etc I am now confused as to how he can seemingly appear to not care less if I drop off the face of the earth. It's hard for me knowing he can move on with his life so easily and not give me a second thought. I'm also the kind of person who needs closure and at the minute I'm not getting that as I'm left dangling wondering if/when/after how mahy months he will be in touch again.
When I tried to say to him I might find it easier to let him go and walk away he said he would be very upset if he never heard from me again and lost me as a friend, but were these just words, because his actions don't match that?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 August 2012):
 Hi
If you back off I don't think he will persue you,no, he will just carry on with his life as he has for years. He was probably intrigued at first,meeting up with an old flame, but then reality kicked in.
I have friends,female, I don't hear from or contact for years but when I do its like the time doesn't matter, so I get what he means. As for the 'feelings' when you met,maybe they aren't mutual, perhaps he sensed you might want more.Who knows, it really isn't worth worrying about anymore is it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice. It is so hard though. Why does he say he wants to stay friends and then not contact me? Did he mean that? or am I likely to never hear from him again if I back off too?
I know he probably means more to me than I do to him and he probably realized that. I understand he is being kind and doesn't want me to get my hopes up, expect anything from him or be led on, but how can we I be in friend zone when there are these feelings when we meet? And how can he be my friend when I never hear from him?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (21 August 2012):
Hi
You do nothing. He has backed off because he loves and respects his partner and doesn't want to do anything that will jeapordise their relationship. So he put the breaks on regarding you. He probably started having lustful thoughts and being a decent man didnt act on them.
He has by his actions, tried to distance himself from you in a nice way, so he doesn't upset you or lead you on. Your in friend zone and thats what you are, a mate from his past.You managed without him for years so now you have to do that again.
Focus on your new relationship.
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