A
male
age
36-40,
*avai
writes:[Moderator's Note: 2 Questions from the same poster have been merged together into one post]Question 1: Me and my girlfriend recently broke up a week ago after being together for 3 years. We do have a daughter together. Since we broke up, all I have been doing is trying to get her to come back. She denies me, and in about 5 days, she's dating another guy, who supposedly comforted her while she was sad at all the mean things and text messages I sent to her during the breakup. The only reason I even said anything mean was because I was angry. I was angry because I tried and tried so hard to get her to come back and the frustration got to me.Anyways, besides that, she's dating this guy now. I'm over her dating him, because that's what makes her happy. And if she's happy, i'm happy. We decided to stay friends and to agree to me being able to see and spend time with my daughter whenever I want. After almost a week and 2 days, I am starting to get over the fact that she doesn't want to be with me anymore.Now, since I stopped acting crazy and stopped texting her and bothering her, she's been really nice to me. We went for a car ride yesterday with my daughter and we talked for a little bit. I asked her, do you even miss anything about me? What makes him so much better than me. She tells me that there are things about him that are better than me, but there are a lot about him that i'm better at. Such as talking, he's not really good at it with her. Or when they cuddle, he doesn't keep her warm like I do. Those things meant a lot to me because I still do love this girl and I miss her.All i've been doing is trying to keep my mind off of her but I can't. I go to work or try to do something with friends, but I'm still constantly thinking about her. I respect her wishes and if she wants to stay really good friends then we will. I'm always here when she needs me.But! I don't get it, she says she doesn't miss me, she doesn't love me anymore. But why does she talk to me late at night on the phone, while her boyfriend works 3rd shift? Why does she always think of something so that I me and her still have to see each other in person? For example, taking my daughter to her grandparents house? When her boyfriend has a car, why won't she tell him? And most importantly, why does she ride in the car with me late at night, probably about 1 or 2 am, to talk? Is it because she really does miss me and care for me? Or is it just because of my daughter?For example, today, we stopped texting at about...6 pm. I didn't call or text anymore. Usually it's always me starting the conversation or getting ahold of her. I didn't do that today, after about 5 hours of me not calling or texting her to check to see how she's doing, she texts me to see what I'm doing. I don't get it, she's with her boyfriend all the time, and i'm sure when I text or call her during the day, he's still there. If she didn't love me or miss me, wouldn't she be focusing on him rather than spending time with me? I mean, she's only been with him for 2 days yet she's still putting time in for me. I just can't figure it out, is she still attracted to me after 3 years and just putting on a front about her not loving me anymore? Or is she just doing it so me and her can be on good terms for the baby's sake?Question 2. I've already had a question regarding the break up of me and my girlfriend of 3 years. I now have a problem i'm dealing with. We've been apart for a week and 2 days now. 2 days ago, she started dating this guy. I accept that, but I continue to keep on thinking about him and her having sex. And it bothers me and quite frankly, pisses me off. I think it's because I miss having sex with her. I mean, we've been together for over 3 years now and some other guy is taking care of her. She says that they haven't and that she doesn't love him, she just likes him. But how am I supposed to know or not? I'm not there with them. Does anyone have any suggestions for me to stop thinking about this so much? All I can think of is my girl who I loved for so long, getting fucked by some other guy. I know it's not my business whether they are or not, but it's the thoughts about it that bother me so much.
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male
reader, curiouslyopt +, writes (17 January 2010):
OK, I read these a lot and I'm always curious as to what is going on later (in this case, 3 months later). I'm sort of in the same situation (no kid tough) but she is trying to keep me while dating someone new. NOT going to happen. So please give us a update if you don't mind.
Thanks!
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male
reader, Savai +, writes (24 October 2009):
Savai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlol...katyani...ok, i'm sorry for making you mad. I'm not even bothering with her anymore, i'm actually playing with my daughter right now. I'm not gonna get with her, ok guys? Like I said, I can't take this shit anymore and not only that, but I don't like this dude she's with. So yeah, i'm good with being friends with him.
And I know it's her loss, i'm the one thats going to make some other woman happy and give her a great life like she could have had but like I said, her loss. I'm just caring about myself and my daughter. I'm still young but so that means I have plenty of time to make a good life for my daughter and myself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): This girl doesn't deserve you! She lost someone who loves her, and you've lost someone who doesn't love you anymore. It's her loss. Don't get back to her EVER. She will break your trust again.
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reader, Savai +, writes (22 October 2009):
Savai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike I said, I appreciate all the answers and you guys are totally right. I'm done with her, I am OVER her. I'm sick of all the bullshit. Today, I almost had to go to jail because of a situation. I was talking to her, and joking about joining the Triads, only joking. He runs his mouth in the background talking about, you need to stop trying to join a gang and take care of your kid. I got so heated, for one, it wasn't his place to say anything to me. Two, don't get into my business like that.
I really almost went over there and killed this kid. But because of my daughter, I didn't. I can't take this shit no more.
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reader, Savai +, writes (22 October 2009):
Savai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys are right, today, we rode together again. She talks to her boyfriend on the phone while in my car and I have told her already, to stop doing that shit. Giggling and flirting type conversations. I got angry because i've asked her to stop doing that stuff in front of me. I start getting road rage, I yell at someone who is slow as hell in front of me. She says, wow, you have road rage now? You used to yell at me for that. And I said I guess i'm like you now aren't I? She tells me I guess, are you? And I told her, well, if i'm a liar, backstabber and would sneak out behind my boyfriends back then yes, I guess so. She said that was a low blow and made me drop her off about a block from her house. She yells at me and tells me to leave her alone.
Why am I the one getting yelled at? She's the one who actually did all that. I think i've come to my decision to not get back with her. It's her loss. She'll end up with some low-life who abuses her verbally and probably physically while she watches some other beautiful girl live a happy life with me that she could have had. I'm tired of crying and fighting over her. I'm tired of the fucking lies. I'm just sick of me being blamed for everything, and me being the one who's wrong. That's just not fair to me, at all. I hope this guy hurts her and breaks her heart like she did mine. And then, i'll just add to the pain but rejecting her as well.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (21 October 2009):
 Why would you even consider getting back together with a game player? Just so you can get hurt again?Dude...MAN UP!
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male
reader, Savai +, writes (21 October 2009):
Savai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the answers, I really do. But lets say I do end up getting back with her, what can I do to make her regain my trust? What can I do to maybe prevent this from happening again? I'm not sure if I want to get back with her or not but I still care for her, deeply. I still love her, I have dreams about her getting back with me every night now. Any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): GrimmReality might be right too. What's her self esteem like? If it's pretty low, average even, then she may have been cheating on you. When you know you're enough, you know you can get a high self esteem girl next time :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): Yeah, I hate that other guy thought too!
You could try something like this...
Imagine approaching her and going on a date with her. State to yourself that you are enough for her. Don't focus on being the very best for her, that kind of focus will cause you to focus on the opposite outcome (it'd be like balancing on something high up and saying to yourself, 'don't fall off!'). When you get the focus correct, it will seem like a fact, and when something is a fact, you aren't in your head thinking about it. There's no need to think about it. You'll be nice and relaxed.
Of course, you won't be going on a date with her (not yet anyways), but you will be meeting with her again. She may not see things your way either. But there are thousands of other girls you are enough for.
Don't ask her questions like, 'do you even miss anything about me?' 'What makes him so much better than me?' That is the opposite of being enough.
When you've well and truly got the perspective I described (practice it plenty first!), you could calmly say what she means to you, state that you would like her to come back to you, and give her all the time in the world to decide (always be enough for her). It's kind of like being a prince or something. It's the power of this perspective. And she will probably test you too. But no thought can refute a fact!
Hope this makes sense :)
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reader, Savai +, writes (21 October 2009):
Savai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee, that's the thing. When I found out that she was messing with this guy, I also found out that she has been sneaking out while she was with me to go to that house. I had been suspicious when her phone went off and the id had his name. It was a guys name and I never knew of anyone like that. I confronted her, she said it was a friend she had "bumped" into at a gas station. A friend who went to school with her in middle school. So I forgave her for hiding him from me if he was just her friend.
He starts calling all the time. One day, he called at midnight, then at one, and then once again at 3. All while me her and my daughter are spending our time together. I became very angry and she defends him. She says, I don't understand why it's ok for my girlfriends and sister to call me this late at night, but since he's a guy he can't? It wasn't just because he's a guy, but seriously, what guy "friend" calls you at 3 in the morning knowing that you're with your boyfriend. He's a guy, so he had to have known how I reacted.
She says I never let her go out with friends, do anything. I work, all day, almost 7 days a week. When I do have time at home, I really don't want to go out when I can relax with her and my daughter just watching a movie at home. Is that wrong of me? We can go out once in a while but it seemed like she just always wanted to go out.
Anyways, when they told me that they were dating, I asked how long. They told me a day, then she tells me she's been coming over to his place, who has a bunch of other people living there, for 2 weeks while she's with me. I'm pretty sure it's been longer than that. But the most important thing is, she broke my trust. She continued to tell me, this happened because you couldn't trust me, well how can I when now I know you've been sneaking around for weeks, maybe months??
It's just that I love her not only because of my child but because I truly did love her. I actually think that I would take her back like a dumbass. But who's to say she won't do this again? Does it make me a bad person to work to take care of my family?? I can't take anymore lies, and I know even though we're now just "friends," she's still telling me lies....I feel like this is mainly my fault because I didn't give her freedom like she wanted..I could only give her what I could..
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (21 October 2009):
(Grimmreality Scratches Head)...Hmmmm.....Savai,Lets take a look at this.You say that your GF and yourself have been broken up for around a week. also that your GF is already dating somebody within 5 days?. And that she claims its because this man comforted her during the breakup?So excuse me while I become a tad incredulous to all of this....what precipitated the breakup? Did she just tell you that it was over and took your daughter, or is your daughter with you?I mean yeah you are hurt, and I understand that. But let's be honest.Unless your GF was very very susceptible to another man's charms in a very short span of time, and he was just so wonderful in that 5 day span (which you refute in your second question as you say she rides with you in your car together while the new BF of just a week is working 3rd shift)....I can only surmise that this woman is simply keeping you strung along until she can ascertain whether or not this will be working out with her new man. and if it does not, she knows she can pull your strings and you will accept her back.sounds like me that this didn't happen overnight. It's pretty obvious that your ex has probably been seeing this guy for quite a bit longer than you knew about.Having a child together is tough. But I suggest you simply move on. This woman is playing games with you and she knows you will accept her back after she gets it off this guy for awhile. Its all this is. She is playing you like a fiddle.If she is the mother of the child, then I suggest the only contact you have with her at all is contact concerning your daughter. Otherwise, cut her out of your life like an abcess tooth. She will keep toying with you like this and making your life a living hell.And don't feel bad about not being over a breakup in a weeks' time. You would'nt have asked the second question if you were. It's ok, you need to grieve too. Just remember that this woman is playing you for a fool and she knows that if things go south with this new guy she can always rely on good old Savai.Don't let anyone ever treat you like that. Man up, and don't let her back into your life.Go out and find someone who will not mess with your head.
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