A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm facing a difficult problem. The guy I am currently with slept with someone else. He did NOT "cheat" because we weren't committed to each other at the time. But we were involved, and he knew I had been cheated on in my past relationship, so I was, and am, oversensitive about anything like that... He slept with someone else before we were officially committed but after we had been seeing each other for a little while, and then was honest with me about it. When I told him how much it bothered me that he was seeing somebody else, he didn't want to lose me and said commitment was perfectly okay with him.I was trying to play it safe by not getting attached too soon, so telling him I wasn't ready for commitment beforehand really only served to hurt me in the end... It was my fault for saying one thing and meaning another, not his, and he seems completely devoted now... But thinking of him sleeping with this girl while also dating me, only brings a lot of unwanted memories and emotions to the surface.He's 5 years older than me and has had multiple sexual partners (not a ton, but a few). I'm fairly inexperienced (only slept with one person, my ex) and I can't imagine sex as being a purely casual thing as he said it was with this girl (mutually casual). I feel he also disrespected me in another sense, because he obviously plans to have sex with me if we stay together, and he did not know this girl's sexual history when he had sex with her... But that is grasping for straws looking for a way to blame him, I'm aware...I very much need some perspective on how I can not allow this to bother me. I think this is a very promising relationship that has just gotten off to a bumpy start. How can I get over this issue? I'm afraid I might resent him for it, and that's not at all fair of me, nor does it make any sense...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): I think it is hard for a man to commit himself without making a firm decision to just focus on one woman. It seems that this guy will run after any woman that takes his fancy. Men have different needs from women and so he may seem to be saying some nice things, but I doubt if he really means it seriously.
You need to learn to be happy just to be yourself and single (you are still very young and have plenty of time to find a good man). If you rely on these kinds of people, you will end up miserable a lot of the time.
OK, I'm not Ann Landers, but I just try to write what I can.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): perhaps while you are feeling a bit sensitive around his past sexual activites you two should hold off a while before having sex. get to know one another a bit better. just enjoy being with each other and exploring the endless possibilities that can transpire.
at least there is honesty from the start. you are lucky. also plse make sure he is "clean" and let him get a checkup . nowadays you have to just be doubly sure.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right, I will just have to swallow this ridiculous feeling. :( I know it was my own doing, I just wish there was some way I could NOT feel so oversensitive... Logically, it makes absolutely no sense at all.
Thank you...
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (2 June 2009):
 No there is not, because you chose to tell him to not feel guilty about "hitting it off" you gave him a green light to go ahead and do this anyway. Her may never have done it, but most guys when given those words, look upon that as an ok to go out and fuck whoever they want.
Honesty is always the best policy, and you should have given careful thought to how you said what you said. He says now he wants commitment, so you got lucky. Most guys would be screwing anything that moves with what you said to him. Being that is the case, you will have to make sure in the future you are completely honest upfront to avoid the miscommunication and the personal fallout you have encountered.
Basically think before speaking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe offered the information to me. I've been sort of a basketcase because of my previous relationship. I said something to him along the lines of, "If you hit it off with someone else, don't feel guilty. Just please tell me about it so I know where we stand." I was reluctant to be committed too soon. I sort of pushed him away. But the truth was, I really liked him. I still do, of course. So yes, I feel like this is my fault and for me to be upset with him is unfair.When I explained to him that I couldn't deal with the feelings this situation brought me after all, he said commitment was okay with him. In fact, he seemed happy for it.I really just want to know if there is some way I can look at this situation without feeling sick to my stomach, hurt, and anxious. It's my own psychological issue when I so blatantly told him that it was okay for him to see someone else at the time... If anyone can offer advice, that would be great...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Why do you think the relationship is promising? Do you really think he will change his behavior all of a sudden? He acted in a way that demonstrates disrespect for himself, you, and other girls, plus secrecy, and you have your own doubts about it. Don't commit yourself to him because you will always feel insecure and doubtful.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (2 June 2009):
Couple questions....
did he offer this information, or did you get wind of it and ask him about the other woman?
If he has no history with this woman, and just hooked up then what makes you think he wont try to convince himself the next time it happens?
Because there will be a next time if you two aren't on the same page. will YOU be trying to convince yourself that you were oversensitive? Well you aren't. You have been cheated on before, so have I.
We have a distrust based on past experience, so it's ok to be wary. I certainly would be.
You have every right, and no its not grasping at straws.
Trust your gut on this. Seems to be devoted and being devoted are two different things. You need to spell it out to him, and do it now. If you are communicating where you want this to go, he has the choice of meeting you halfway, remaining casual, or not being together at all. But you can't progress unless you two have an HONEST discussion about where you both want this to go.
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