A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:This is a recurring problem in my life: flakey friends, partners, ex'es. I get really upset and angry when this happens, because of a history of friends letting me down at the worst possible time. I realise now at 25 I have to confront this anxiety. How do I respond to people when they flake on me (with no legitimate excuse). Like they were too lazy, too drunk or just couldn't be bothered to respond to their messages. They always talk their way out of it. Am I a walk over? What the ideal way to deal with people? Those who have a problem with time management, or are always trying to please everyone (and I always end up getting let down)...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Below is a list of things I have started doing to get the results that I want and to weed out those individuals who are "flakey:"
1. I do not have texting on my phone. I used to, but not anymore because, most became so reliant on it that they would start holding long conversations. When a flakey person texts, they will start doing so to avoid a connection, they get lazy thus it shows in the way the communicate. Therefore, I don't have texting on my phone, meaning, I can't text them back, so if they do text me and I don't respond, I have a legit. reason why I didn't. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind texting, but I also don't mind talking on the phone either and I don't try to avoid a connection with others, I don't try to distance myself and I don't prefer to communicate in a lazy way either, but I have encountered people who do. My best friend is the same way, if you want to contact her, you have to call...it's that simple. If a person is that interested in communicating with me, they will call ,if not, they won't and that is how I weed out the "bad ones."
2. Only get close to them if they get close to you. Since I know I am a "rare gem" and that my intentions towards others are pure, I don't want to risk having them take advantage of me, so I do things to protect myself BUT that is ONLY AFTER the person has displayed a disregard for my feelings several times over. Decent people must learn not to go into "overdrive" when people are being flakey towards them....give them a taste of they're own medicine...in other words, don't mistreat them, but don't treat them either.
3. Don't be available all the time and don't always jump to go out or make plans with flakey people at the last moment either. For the most part, I want a 48 hour advance notice before agreeing to any type of plan...not all the time, but most of the time. Why? Because, I want to make certain that I am not being the "chosen" one for this weekend's outing simply because, the person didn't have anybody else to hang with. I am not an "option" for someone and if that person is a true mature friend, they wouldn't treat me as such. This also applies to a guy I am dating as well. If he doesn't schedule in advance esp. for the first three months of dating, I will assume he just wants a "booty" call and I will stop dating him all together.
4. Don't condone or co-sign they're bad behavior. Don't nag them, but tell them how it is and tell them that one time only and if the behavior continues, then cut them loose.
I have had to let go of people that I really enjoyed hanging out with and wouldn't have mind being friends with, but after showing me time and time again that they could not be trusted, I had to let them go...I was the one hurting while they were full of excuses with no shame at all. I had let go of one woman I had befriended about one year ago, she had started acting flakey towards me which led to her talking about me in a negative manner behind my back, so after careful consideration and talking to my mother about it, I decided to cut all ties with her...I even changed my cell number and blocked her email address. One day, she called into the call center where I worked at the time pretending to be a customer!!!! She said she was "sorry" and wanted me to call her later on when I got off work...I don't recall what I said to her, but I never called her again. I had made up in my mind that she wasn't worth my time and would strike again if I allowed her to come back in my life AGAIN. I didn't want to cut her loose, but I had too and I am glad that I did.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (20 July 2010):
 In life you are going to meet a good share of fair-weathered people (most people do!). By fair-weathered I mean they are around for the good times but not when things are not ok with you. You are never going to change these people - they will always be superficial. We sadly live in a ME, ME, ME culture where many people prioritise their needs over others. You can change your own interpersonal relationship style so you limit your expectations of other people. I am not suggesting you become cynical about everyone around you. However, I am suggesting that if you develop the independence to manage your own problems yourself without relying on others then you won't be so disappointed when they let you down. Sooner or later you will meet people who are trusted, loyal companions and you will come to appreciate them for what they are. In the meantime, limit your expectations of people and what they are prepared to do for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): I have the same problem, but i m a girl. i went through multiple girlfriends who would cancel the last minute on me,when i was standing at the door ready to leave the house for exciting night out.
I had guys not even remembering about our date. I had guys texting me asking questions and not responding when i wanted to talk.
I had my friends not coming to my birthday party only because they had something more exciting to do.
At first i would confront everyone telling them how flaky they are. Now i stoped doing it. I also stoped being friends with people like that. You are not a walk over. You are just responsible and respect your words and they are not and don't respect what comes out of their mouth.
Do you need friends or partners like that?
Don't waste your time on people like that, may be one day they will change when they get older, i don't know, but in a mean time i am sure there are plenty of not flaky young people.
You can hang out w.them but only if don't get upset w/them. If you don't really care. But telling them that are wrong it's really is a waste of time.
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