A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello, I hate to ask this but I have a question about my dad ...I just dont know what to do :/I am full time uni student who has a lot of time off through the week but this is filled up with my uni work and also i have a part time job where i work during the weekend and one day through the week - i also have a long term boyfriend too. So yeah, Im usually pretty busy til about seasonal holidays when i have no uni work at all. My mum and dad broke up about 3 years ago and i dont think my dad has fully gotten over it. My mum had an affair and me and my sister found out and told her to tell our dad which she eventually did (ciritice all you want, we were in a difficult position, what were we ment to do ?? tell our dad - then loose our mum?? keep a secret and tell my mum to not tell my dad - then make my dad out to be a fool??) but basically, my dad was willing to forgive, but my mum wanted a divorce and said she loved the other guy - my dad still begged her to stay and my sister got angry and kicked her out the house and told my dad to get the divorce cause he shouldnt be beggin for someone to stay with him when they cheated.so yeah, my sister kicked my mum out. But, my dad has always held the fact that we knew against us. he also says that if it were him he wouldnt speak to his mother again - but me and my sister didnt talk to my mum for weeks after. and in the past three years i think i have seen my mums new bf like 5-10 times?? my sister maybe slightly more - but believe me it is no more than 30 times at least and thats in three years!! my dad has this illusion that my sister prefers this guy to him and that she always spends time with him, which is not the case when my mum always meet us she comes alone because she knows that i have never really came to terms with it and that i will always resent that man - he is genuinely lovely, but he broke my family up. i cant be best mates with him. i do try tho when he is in my company. my sister, is more the person who has gotten on with things. Although being 2 years younger than I am, my mother says she is the stronger one and so, she has came to terms with things or accepted them if you like more easily. my dad always says he is lonely and it bugs me so much though :/he doesnt have many friends in scotland as he only ever wanted to spend time with his wife and us, his kids (he moved from another country to be with my mum)he has joined various dating sites and has a fair amount of dates. he is with a women just now but they barely see each other - i think it maybe that she is 20 miles away - but he refuses to go to her house to stay the night because he doesnt want to leave me and my sister alone - because kids comes first - which i totally get but I am 21 and my sister is 18?im fed up with him saying he is lonely all the time, i feel bad as it is. but what am I ment to do?? according to a lot of folk i do what the average teen does?! i spend time in my room. I watch the tv in my room, i do my uni work in my room?but when it comes to the tv soaps i watch them down stairs with my dad and also we watch a wee thing just before bed most nights. he says it doesnt apply to me its always aimed at my sister - but im my opinion she does what i did when i were 18.I spent all my time with my bf, i went out partying every weekend cuz i could and i spent a lot of time at my friends thing is, when i done this when i was 18, my mum was in the house too so he had company.he also says that everytime my mum mentions coming round to the house me and my sister both jump and stay in for her but we dont!my mum says to us like a week in advance "when will you both be in next week at the same time, ill visit" cause she understands that we both are grown up and are busy. but my dad always says it to us like late at night - fancy staying in tomorrow night? and give me a rest!cause everytime me and my sister go out he will wait up for us regardless of the time we come home at, even if we come home at 5am. we have told him to stop doing that and my family have also told him to not do it also. but he wont listen and keeps tellings us that his mum done it for him...i just dont know what to do, we arguing quite a lot due to the whole staying up thing and the whole mum thing. i want to move out next year when i graduate but then what? will i be accused of something else like abadonning him? as he usually takes offence when i say i am moving out next year - this means i will be 22 and i still share a room with my sister! i mean come on, i need my own space, room etc when i mention moving out, he says "youll be back" - i dont know how to take this? and also "why are you wanting to get away from your father?"also, i want him to uderstand why when my mum comes round we spend hours in our room talking to her - its because we chat about our bfs. and just things in general since we dont live with her. my dad feels hurt that we dont talk to him about our bfs but we do, but when it comes to serious stuff he aways wants to "punch their faces in" ... we just need a womens opinion not someone who will want to hit them ... but you get me girls? we speak about different things with each parent. my mum i talkj about everything. my dad i speak about my ocd, the tv etc.please help me out :/
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (28 February 2012):
 HI
Its always very sad to hear when a family breaks down. But this is not your fault , neither your sisters or your dad's. You cant walk on eggs shells, your dad has to snap out of this or he will loose you all. His obviously still very hurt by it all, and is scared of loosing you both too, and I can understand this. But to try and make you choose ( because this is whats happening here ) between loyalties to him and your mother is unfair of him. I think moving out will do you the world of good and him, he will see in time that just because you are growing up and moving out, dont mean your going to leave him too, Arguing about it wont change the fact that in life we teach our children to grow into respectful adults, who will leave the nest one day and make a great life for themself. His afraid to be alone , again I can understand were he would feel scared, but his a grown man and will just have to learn, your his daughter not his keeper. Fly the nest, make a great life for yourself, and never compromise your future. he WILL in time be just fine and realise he has two wonderful daughters who DO care for him.
Mandy x
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