A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A month ago, the guy that I was seeing asked for some time to think through a life-crisis he was having. He said that he had big questions about his career, future, goals in life, and whether he was healthy enough to be in a relationship. He insisted that it was nothing to do with me and that the two months of dating me had been "like a dream come true" for him and that he wanted to work this out before we got too serious so that he didn't hurt me after years together.We agreed to go no contact and, as much as it hurt, I went my separate way. He took the time, bought several books, did research, and went to a counselor. He said that he thought through things and is confident he knows what he wants for the timing being. He knows that he has to do soul-searching on a regular basis to make sure he's on the right path but he also thinks he knows how to deal with it if it happens again. Recently, he has been initiating contact on a regular basis, asking me how I was doing, how my sick relative was, and how my summer has been. We go to the same grad school but live in separate cities for work during the summer. I have a strong feeling based on our conversations that he will ask to get back together when we're in person (he has a heavy emphasis on doing things in a romantic way and I think he wants me to know he means it).He is one year ahead of me in school and will graduate May 2014. After that, he plans on going to a big city on the east coast. I am from the Midwest and plan on returning. I already have a job lined up and so does he. He has an incredible job opportunity with an employer that is in the top 10 of our industry. My home means a lot to me: my parents, entire extended family, and close childhood friends all live in my city. Both of us have admitted that we would be willing to entertain the idea of moving for someone else but neither has indicated that we were eager to do so. I adore this man. He is patient, hilarious, kind, emotionally intelligent, gentle, and I am very attracted to him. He was a perfect gentleman the time we spent together and I got butterflies quite often with him. I know that may fade but our personalities worked so well together that I feel the attraction could be long-lived.My problem is the fact we only have 9 months left in the same city and then we're bound to be separated for, at minimum, two years. Following that, one of us would have to make a huge sacrifice to be together after only a year figuring each other's personalities out. I'm young; I'm only 23 years old. He is 26.Would you begin a relationship where you know you had to make a decision of this magnitude at the end of it? He hurt me so badly with the month separation (he did not promise he was coming back because he didn't know how long it would take to figure out). I would move for someone that I was sure about but I don't know if I can be sure after only a year. I don't want to give up my roots, my job, and my friends to be with someone I'm not even married to or living with. I'm reluctant to jump back in with my whole heart if I know we're inevitably going to be apart for so long.I know that I can *probably* meet someone else but I don't know if the attraction will be as real or as deep as it is with him. I have never felt so happy and healthy in a relationship but the "break" also brought a heavy dose of reality with it and I'm struggling now that I'm not longer inside this relationship "bubble"."Dear Cupid" readers, do you have any long distance relationship success or failure stories? I don't think cheating would be a problem on either end but I know jealousy, lack of physical contact, and personality evolution also take place. We would have enough money for plane tickets and we already visited each other twice in the two months we were previously together.What factors do you think are important in deciding this? What has helped you decide to continue or end previous long distance stories? What about friends that you've seen in similar situations to mine?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2013): I'm about to end a 2 year long distance relationship, by moving in with my bf in his country. (I searched for and found an amazing professional opportunity there.) We had dated for a year living in the same city before he relocated and it became an LDR. Like you, we broke up for a bit at the start of the relationship because he needed to find himself. So I've been through something very similar.
My advice is no two relationships are the same and you will have to listen very closely to your gut on this one. You need to decide what you want for yourself now, in a year's time and in 5 years time. Ie what are your personal goals? Only when you know this can you then look at a potential relationship and evaluate whether it will work for you.
For example, would you be open to dating for the 9 months for the sake of enjoying each other's company but without expectations to stay together after the move? If you are, you could date and then see how it goes from there. You might find at the end of the school year that he is not the one for you. Or you might realise that he's pretty close to perfect and you both want to commit to making it work.
If on the other hand, you don't want to date without the longterm in mind, ask yourself what you want to in your personal life. What do you want to achieve in your career and in what time scale? Is living far away from your city permanently really an option or is that something that you would always resent him for? Do you want to travel or live the single life as a young professional before getting tied down? When you know the answer to these questions, you can sit down and let him know what you want in life, ask him what he wants for himself as well. Unfortunately, love is not enough. You need to have the same goals for it to work. You are 23 and he is 26. He might be ready to get married sooner than you. He might want kids before he is 30. Which would mean kids for you in the next 3 years. Is that something you would consider? I obviously don't know him, but I'd encourage you to ask these questions so that you both know at what stage you are in your lives.
Long distance relationships necessitate such directness. You don't want to waste either of your times if you both know you don't want to date each other casually and if you both know that your longterm goals are incompatible.
As for the lack of trust after the breakup. Follow your instinct. People are complex. Things are not black and white. The fact that he needed time doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you enough or that he is not committed enough.
You know his reasons for wanting space, you know how he treated you before, during and after the breakup. You know how you felt with him. You also know whether in general he is a man of integrity or whether he doesn't usually stick to his commitments. You know his romantic past, you know how highly he values you in his life - was he keen to show the world that you are his other half or is he half hearted about affirming your relationship to friends and family. Only you know all the answers to these questions. Listen to your gut about whether to give it a second chance or not.
To directly answer your questions;
- 'Would you begin a relationship where you know you had to make a decision of this magnitude at the end of it?' - I did, and I've never regretted it.
-'I would move for someone that I was sure about but I don't know if I can be sure after only a year.'I think you will be sure after a year. And even then, neither of you would have to move straight away. You can both afford long distance and you're both still focussed on building your careers.
- 'I don't want to give up my roots, my job, and my friends to be with someone I'm not even married to or living with.' You're not giving up anything for at least another 3 years! Relax. Even then,you won't exactly be giving them up. In the same way you can afford to visit him long distance, you can afford to visit your family and friends long distance. He has to be open to moving as well. You'll both have to be willing to compromise. Talk to him about this - let him know that when the opportunity for you comes up for you to move closer to him in the future, you would expect some sort of commitment from him, whether that's living together or an engagement. So see if he is comfortable with that level of commitment in the next 3 years.
-'I don't think cheating would be a problem on either end but I know jealousy, lack of physical contact, and personality evolution also take place.' Jealousy and personality evolution could take place in any relationship and would mean the death of the relationship if either was extreme. What you do need to take into account is the lack of physical contact. That is a reality you will have to live with. Some people can take it, others can not.
I'd say for any relationship, especially long distance - you need honesty, trust, commitment, communication, and the resources to make it work. You also need to both look into ways that you can cut the distance eventually and discuss how soon that can be feasible and at what cost. You also really need to share as much about each other's separate lives as possible so that you are as involved as any partner should be :-)
Good luck in love and life, hope I helped!
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