A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. well basicly im 17, living in the UK and im not going to be all dramatic and cry at you, because its my fault im in this mess and whats happened cannot be changed. i was with my boyfriend for 2 years and a month. ill admit, im still madly in love with him, i got with him just before my 15th birthday, we went out for over a year before we slept together, i was on the pill, we used condoms too. we were always so safe! in febuary i was off school (6form) for 2 weeks ill. was taken to hospital, and anyway i ended up on antibiotics. not realising it would stop my pill working, im sure you can see where this is going.. im 17! i found out in march that my boyfriend was cheating on me for 4 months so we finished, because i finished him, he got me beaten up by 6 girls on my way home one night, and he broke into my house through my bedroom window and took all his belongings. so now.. im 17, im single, im still at school, jobless and 11 weeks pregnant. i dont agree in abortions, and its my fault im in this mess, not the innocent babies. my parents know. they obviously arent happy about it, but they understand we were in a long term relationship at the time and it was a mistake. but i know im not financially, mentally or physically ready for a baby! i have no job. i dont even get EMA, i dont have very good qualifications, i dont have a boyfriend, i dont have the time, im the most impatient person i know! and the birth is petrifying me already! is there anyone in the same position, if only just to talk to? any advice from anyone would be greatly apprieciated! i dont actually know what im asking, im just so worried. is there any help i'd get? thanks for reading, sorry for the long post. x
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abortion, condom, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPebble + AuntyEm your advice was great. im trying my hardest to look up, and be positive but i just feel like crying every single second of every single day. self pitty is no good i know lol. im sure ill be fine (: thankyou for the reassurence though :) its greatly, also thanks to the anonimous pregnant lady. i agree hes a tosspot. i dont need nobody :D xxx
A
female
reader, pebble +, writes (21 May 2009):
 Hello sweetheart, I'm around 10 weeks pregnant at the moment, so I'm understanding almost every fear you're going through here. I got pregnant while taking the pill so at first my partner and I were not impressed. But, we let it sink in for a few days and we finally realised that maybe it's not the worst thing in the world. I definately think that the pregnancy is the worst part of having a baby, because everything is so uncertain, thinking about the birth is scary, you don't know how you're going to cope - and all those other things that are running through your head right now! But, I promise you that once that baby is here and you get into a routine, you'll wonder what you did with your time before and how you coped without your baby.
It's so easy for people to say 'get an abortion!' - especially men, but that is an easy way out that isn't so easy. After 9 weeks you have to have the surgical procedure which in itself is horrible. And people seem to forget the emotional distress that most women go through after aborting something that was a part of their body. Some women take years to get over it, if at all.
Ok, so about all the financial stuff. Don't worry, there is lots of help out there. I'm seeing you live in the UK so first and foremost, you are entitled to be re-housed by the council. They will find you probably a two bedroomed house fairly quickly (we're talking months) with a garden where you can bring up your baby. To apply, you just need to pop in to your local council office and pick up a housing form.
Next, money. If you don't have a job, you are entitled to claim jobseekers allowance, providing you meet a few criteria. Some more info here
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Employedorlookingforwork/DG_10018757
Because you will be a lone parent, you will be entitled to income support.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/On_a_low_income/DG_10018708
And because you will be on income support, you can also claim a £500 materntiy grant to help buy stuff for your baby (you don't have to pay it back).
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Expectingorbringingupchildren/DG_10018854
Every expectant mother is entitled to a Health In Pregnancy grant of £190 to help you with eating healthily and looking after your self
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Expectingorbringingupchildren/DG_10018854
Every mother can claim child benefit
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/TaxCreditsandChildBenefit/Childbenefits/index.htm
And you might want to check if you are eligible for tax credits, 90% of families in the Uk are.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/TaxCreditsandChildBenefit/TaxCredits/index.htm
In fact, www.direct.gov.uk is useful for all sorts of things - money, employment, your rights, everything!
Ok, now I've blown your mind with all the money issues, I'll stop lol. My point here is, there is endless help out there for you. Your midwife will probably explain all these things to you as it gets closer to the time. You won't be left in the dark at all. You and your baby will be ok. I promise.
I honestly share your feelings about the birth. But I just look at it this way, that baby has to come out of there somehow! Don't worry, you aren't the first woman and you won't be the last. And what's a few hours of pain for a lifetime of being a mother with a beautiful baby? They say you forget the pain when you hold your baby for the first time anyway.
I've made sure I am clued up about all this stuff because I too, thought I was in a position where I could not cope. But you know what? I'm strong and I can do it. And so can you.
Feel free to inbox me if you need anything else. Good luck sweetheart :) x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): I'm 19, pregnant and living in a one bed flat with my boyfriend who didnt want the baby. He told me the second we thought i might be that he really really didnt want a child yet and wanted to wait a couple of years before we did. We both made stupid mistake of unprotected sex and both got ourselves into a right mess! We're stuggling to get by but love is pulling us through. You dont need that tosspot to get you through m'darlin! The love and help from your parents will be enough, your fortunate you have that :)
As for money, have you tried jobseekers allowance or dole money as its known as? I'm on that at the minute, its not alot but it defintiely helps.
Also, the ex has to pay child support til the child is 18 and make sure he doesnt get away with not paying like so many men do! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 May 2009):
 Darlin' I feel for you, what a very worrying and scary time your going through and thank god your parents are helping you. There is no point preaching as whats done is done and you need to give yourself a little alone time to absorb and sort out how your life is going to change. There is help and support available. The NHS run sure start schemes for young people who find themselves pregnant and you should qualify for grants to help with the practical costs, but hunny I know how sad and betrayed you must be feeling at how this boy has treated you.
Boys tend to shy away from their responsibilities in these cases, and mostly it's because they don't know how to react or cope with the situation. Girls have to cope because, obviously it's their life that is mostly affected by the birth of a child. If the boy is trouble, your probably better off without him, although I do think you and your parents have a right to inform his parents, if only for financial support.
Get as much help as you can from your midwife. She is the best person to put you in touch with all the support you will need about the birth and childcare. Listen to your parents and take their advice for they are the ones who will stand by you.
Take stock of whats happened, sort out who can help you and just deal with one thing at a time. Don't worry about not having a job, it's something you can sort out when your child is older. You should be able to stay in school and finish your education, or pick it up later. Life isn't over for you...it's just going to be different, but from your letter you seem like a very sensible articulate young woman and you will get through it.
I am so sorry you are facing this...it's a massive wake up call but it is not the end of the world for you.
Don't be scared hunny, lean on those who love and care about you, seek help and give yourself some time to settle on the idea.
My prayers and wishes are with you,
Aunty Em xxxxx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 May 2009):
Darlin' I feel for you, what a very worrying and scary time your going through and thank god your parents are helping you. There is no point preaching as whats done is done and you need to give yourself a little alone time to absorb and sort out how your life is going to change. There is help and support available. The NHS run sure start schemes for young people who find themselves pregnant and you should qualify for grants to help with the practical costs, but hunny I know how sad and betrayed you must be feeling at how this boy has treated you.
Boys tend to shy away from their responsibilities in these cases, and mostly it's because they don't know how to react or cope with the situation. Girls have to cope because, obviously it's their life that is mostly affected by the birth of a child. If the boy is trouble, your probably better off without him, although I do think you and your parents have a right to inform his parents, if only for financial support.
Get as much help as you can from your midwife. She is the best person to put you in touch with all the support you will need about the birth and childcare. Listen to your parents and take their advice for they are the ones who will stand by you.
Take stock of whats happened, sort out who can help you and just deal with one thing at a time. Don't worry about not having a job, it's something you can sort out when your child is older. You should be able to stay in school and finish your education, or pick it up later. Life isn't over for you...it's just going to be different, but from your letter you seem like a very sensible articulate young woman and you will get through it.
I am so sorry you are facing this...it's a massive wake up call but it is not the end of the world for you.
Don't be scared hunny, lean on those who love and care about you, seek help and give yourself some time to settle on the idea.
My prayers and wishes are with you,
Aunty Em xxxxx
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