A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:heya, my head is so confussed, i just found out im pregnant! im not in a realtionship and have slept with two boys this month with about 3-4days appart, so have no way in knowing who the father is. this isnt the first time iv been pregnant, but last time i was in a realtionship, but my ex partner ended the realtionship when he found out and said he didnt want anything to do with the baby, so i decided to have an abortion. i have told both pretentional fathers and both are shocked and have told me it would be best to abort, but this time i dont want to rush into it just because i may be a single parent. i have a scan next week, but i am so neverous as now i am more towards abortions, but dont want to rush and regert it. im so unsure what i should do, and if i would be able to bring this child up alone. please could anyone suggest anything to help me decided and help me make the right disicion? please help !!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 Btw, I guess this depends on what country you live in (and is unrelevant to the original post I wrote), but here in Norway a man can not just choose to ignore his child. They have to pay, and then they have to spend time with the child in shared custody etc.
But, forcing a man to spend time with a child he does not want? I don't think anyone would do that, I don't think the OP would want that either. I'm just saying this to put it straight: men can not run from their responsibility just because the baby doesn't grow inside of their bodies for 9 months. Only for those 9 months is is down on the mother, the rest of the time it's equally as much a responsibility to the father as to the mother.
And, btw, if the OP wanted to I am sure SHE could bail out. As in, have the child, and then dump it on the dad and take off. It's happened before, really. I know several single dads...
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 March 2014):
Men don't get pregnant. But men do become fathers in the very same sense that women become mothers. It's not the pregnacy that is the problem here, it is the potential future as a mom or dad... And yeah, guys become dads just as much as women become moms. So if guys thinks it is the womans job to make sure THEY dont become fathers, I have to laugh. That's just ridiculous. If a man doesn't want to become a father he puts on the rubber, anything else is idiotic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): Chi in all fairness we don't have to deal with pregnancy, the decision to abort or anything like that. We can even ignore the child if we like. It's easy for guys not to worry or care about protection because we can't get pregnant. We will never find ourselves in the OP's situation, so in that respect it's more on the woman to ensure she doesn't have to go through with it.
It may not be "fair" but it's simple biology. They can tell her to abort and if she doesn't they can then ignore the child and frankly until the baby is born they have no obligation to her in any way because she doesn't know who the father is.
Chi is right though in the sense that their opinion is not your decision but you cannot ignore their opinion's either. You have two guys who don't want a child with you so it's well possible neither guy will get involved and it's also possible neither of them will pay for the kid either. You do have to factor those points into your decision. But you can do what you like here, being a single mother is tough but doable. If you want the kid, keep it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 February 2014):
You don't get pregnant if you use a condom, it really is that simple. My guess is, as it is with most of these cases, is the guys assumed the girl was on the pill and didnt bring a condom and didn't care. If he cared, he would have used a condom and made sure he used it right. The only times a condom doesn't work is when it is used wrong, or not used at all but forgotten about.
I'm convinced these two guys didn't care to use a condom and thought she'd "take care" of it, because I've encountered way too many guys like this to believe otherwise. I say this to the OP because I want her to not pity these two guys. They knew they had it coming, they need to take responsibility for their actions (and not just dump this on her as her problem). OP: do not pity or feel sorry for these "surprised" guys who thought with their penis instead of their brains. They were reckless, and they played 50% part in this act, so they are responsible for the situation as well. Even if they pretend to be surprised. And if they actually are surprised, well, then that just says something about their level of intelligence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): You've had an abortion before, OP, so you know the emotional toll it can take.
Get some professional advice. That Brook website looks good, see if you can go in and get some advice about your options. Talk to someone in person if possible, OP.
I don't have an opinion on abortion, I'm a man and it doesn't affect me in the slightest but I do believe that women should be able to make that choice themselves, for whatever reason they choose. I do know though that it's a medical procedure that can have nasty side effects mentally and physically, and the risk of those increase the more of them you have, so you need to see your GP and discuss those risks. OP you have a tough decision to make and you have time to research all the implications of that before you have to make it so make sure you do that.
One positive about keeping the baby that no one will mention to you is that you get to go on the Jeremy Kyle show and do a DNA test, you'll get to hear him say "well you should have put something on the end of it" in person and he'll no doubt tell you you shouldn't have been having unprotected sex with two different men.
OP no one here can make this decision for you, it's too important and both choices have their good and bad sides, learn as much as you can and get as much professional advice about the subject as you can then just make your decision.
Seriously though, OP, you really need to make better sexual decisions. I mean this is second time you've risked your health and life for a bit of fun. I'll honestly never understand why a person who is not willing to raise a child will have unprotected sex. I mean I've made that same mistake but I have never had unsafe sex without explicitly be willing to be a father if it was a consequence. Sex is not worth a life changing STI or ruining your body with an abortion or a kid when you're not ready for one. Be smarter.
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female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (28 February 2014):
While I consider myself pro-choice (and I've had an abortion before), I also don't consider abortion as a form of birth control.
How did you feel after your last abortion? Do you think you're going to be able to handle it emotionally this time around?
The best thing I've heard is someone said (I'm paraphrasing) that they've often heard of women regretting an abortion, but not regretting having a child. I say, if you're on the fence about it and leaning more toward keeping it, then don't have an abortion. But consider adoption or just remember that people take care of their children everyday while not having much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): @chigirl: Most people are surprised when the find out someone they slept with is pregnant, and I'm sure the OP was too, even sometimes when they're married and trying to have a baby people are surprised.
It's ridiculous to act like they don't know where babies come from and there's no reason to insult these guys, unless they didn't use condoms and even better, came inside her. But she didn't indicate either.
To the OP: I'm always against abortion as a form of birth control. I was in love with a girl who got pregnant and she decided to have an abortion. It wasn't something I was happy about but it was her choice. I eventually married someone else and had two kids who mean the world to me. It's only now I realize what a mistake that abortion was.
Being a single parent is tough but you should have help from the father and hopefully your family. The government often provides aid for people in your situation. And even if you are in love and married a divorce is a 50% chance, so you may end up a single parent despite your best efforts some day in the future.
One last thing: abortions can make conceiving a healthy child more difficult in the future.
All in all its your choice, but I think people are sometimes too quick to choose the easy way out.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Hi,
As others have said, the decision to abort the pregnancy has to be made by you. In the UK, you have access to Brook, which offers all sorts of info and advice. You could call their hotline or go to one of their centres to talk about all the issues with a trained professional.
The website is http://www.brook.org.uk
Since you had unprotected sex, you should get yourself checked for STDs, which can have a harmful effect on the foetus. Even if you opt for abortion, you should get yourself checked and then perhaps get a coil fitted or arrange other contraception (though a coil or pill or implant doesn't protect against STDs).
I hope you can get some support through either Brook, your local family planning centre or even the GP.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 February 2014):
Both are shocked? I think they're dumb, didnt they know sex can lead to pregnancy?
Sorry, but there two guys don't sound that intelligent, and if I were you I'd certainly not depend on either of them to step up. Or contribute to much, they don't sound like they have a bright future, not even knowing where babies come from...
As for you, well, that's your choice I am afraid. But you will by all likelihood be a single mother if you decide to keep it. The identity of the father can be determined later, once the child is born, so you don't have to worry too much about that bit. But, even if you know who the father is, it wont change much. The child will most likely grow up without the father being involved much, if at all.
There have been several questions about abortion on this site, you should search the site and read what has been written before, sereval young women have been in your shoes, and several great answers have been provided.
Best of luck to you. In the end, if I was in your shoes, it would come down to what I would be able to live with. What I would regret the most.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2014):
 Have you talked to your own family about this? I mean being a single mom isn't ideal for anyone. But if you have a good support net of friends and family it can be "less" hard on you.
Have you sat down and figured out if you can afford a child? Do you have a job? A job with security, that offers paid maternity leave? Can you afford the diapers (nappies, I think in the UK)wipes, clothes, bed, crib, formula (if you don't breastfeed), food, shoes, daycare and so forth.
There is no right or wrong decision. JUST what's RIGHT for you. Having had ONE abortion doesn't mean you HAVE to have this baby now.
You have to accept that if you choose to have it you CANNOT make the father BE a father (other then help with Child maintenance) You can MAKE him ordered to PAY, but that is it. The "boys" have already BOTH told you they don't want the responsibility, so IF you choose to have it be fully prepared to raise the child alone (with help - hopefully) of family of and friends.
Are you ready for it?
There are 3 options.
1. Have the baby & keep it.
2. Have the baby and adopt it out.
3. Abort the fetus.
Look into all 3, talk to someone you trust about it.
And don't wait too long to make up your mind. No one else can tell you what you should choose. THIS is YOUR choice.
No matter what you choose, talk to your doctor about birth control as well.
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